A dark and misty night

the road no lamp to light 

i know where i should be

but the way i cannot see

I recall a foggy evening when I was a small child, I have a very distinctive memory of this particular night.

We were out as a family, my parents, my eldest sister and my grandparents. We couldn’t get home because the fog was dense and it was impossible to see see the road in front of us.

My nan could drive (not many nan’s drove in the 1960’s) so my dad had an idea that would get his family safely home.

He would walk in front of the car, with the palms of his hands facing backwards. With the headlights on, my nan could clearly see my dads hands as he led us home. She drove behind him and followed him closely and slowly as he walked ahead.

There was no negotiation with my dad which way we went home. There were numerous routes, but the choice was his to take and our only hope of getting home was to follow his hands.

If we had not followed my fathers hands we would have got hopelessly lost, until the fog cleared.

 All our eyes were fixed on my fathers hands.

We couldn’t see the road ahead, though the route was a familiar one, we couldn’t tell where we were. All the regular landmarks were invisible to our senses. We couldn’t see any possible dangers or potential risks. Neither was there any conversation between my father and his mother. She simply had no choice ~

but to trust his hands to get us home.

There were others on the road, facing the same challenges and avoiding similar hazards, but we couldn’t see them, we couldn’t help them and they couldn’t help us. we were alone in our bubble of temporary blindness, with only the palms of my fathers hands to lead us safely home.

I remember very well, we were not at all worried, or frightened.

We trusted our guide to take us home.

He loved us, we were his family, his wife, children and parents. He would do nothing to cause us harm or alarm, we were confident in his ability and assured by his knowledge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is still misty ~ on the brink of dawn, and i don’t know whats  ahead.

One thing is certain…

Daylight always arrives ~ on time ~  the sun will rise again ~

the expectation is bright.

 

What is getting me through the fog?

The palms of my heavenly Fathers hands…

Even there Your hand will lead me and Your right hand will hold me ~ Psalm 139:10

Yes I’m ready to write

back on my feet to fight

with no option of flight

in the wake of such a fright

I don’t know what to say, the situation I am in now is very confusing.

I am enduring an extreme set back. We both knew it would be a long journey of reconciliation with determination that would include some set backs along the way.

As long as we both had the will to reconcile, we would make it.

It has brought to the surface once again all emotions that escalate through betrayal and deception. But what is far worse now is that the children also feel betrayed, deceived and lied to.

Betrayals of this magnitude are raw for the children, they haven’t been through the layer by layer exposures that i have experienced. Even so my bounce back is a long time coming. I feel overwhelmed at the site of a pile of dirty dishes or a full laundry basket. The simplest and mindless of tasks that i have ‘Just got on with’ in the past are not serving me the distraction they have previously.

Never in my dreams would I have imagined that my husband would choose to withdraw from his family, because the decision he recently made excludes them as well as me, from his life.

My husband is ruthlessly and wilfully committing relationship crime against his Faith family and friends. 

If a person is feeling compelled to commit a crime, but doesn’t follow the action through ~ their family and friends link arms with them in love and support.

If a person has committed a crime, then along with regret and sorrow, pays the penalty for their wrongs and vows never to commit the crime again ~ their family and friends stand by them.

If a person intends to commit a crime and ignoring the advice and the pleading of friends not to persist with the transgression, proceeds with the crime ~ they will lose their family and friends.

No-one wants to aid and abet with crime. Even crimes against morals, values and ethics.

The outcome of behaviour of this sort is judged more severely if the lawbreaker is known to be a committed christian.

When I recap the last few weeks before his dramatic announcement, first to his family, then later to me, the signs were becoming visible. I could sense the influence that was revealed by the U Turns in my husbands words and behaviour, he changed overnight, his warmth and affections were gone from his eyes again. He was becoming angry again, pro porting blame to me and others, demanding accountability from others regarding their feelings towards specific issues.

At around the same time my husband touched ‘send’ to his family cancelling his promise to put all his wrongs right ~ He touched another ‘send’ to a text to me ~ that simply read

“I love you xxx”

These are the actions of a person who is confused and deeply troubled.

i am almost convinced my husband didn’t compose the script that would once again ruin him.

 

I catagorically believe he is not in his right mind. It is my judgement that my husband doesn’t know who to be with his family.

He has fallen between his two identities. His flaws are so intrenched in his mind and soul ~ that to choose the flawed lifestyle, was his only option.

Has he fallen on his sword? To spare us all from the double life he cannot hide from or live without anymore.

He needs a mental health assessment, and medical professional help before any other intervention.

I fear my husband could suffer a stroke, heart attack or a complete mental breakdown if he continues in his chosen lifestyle.

He says it is ‘Love’ that he has chosen, yet while saying so he messaged his ‘Love’ for me at the same time…

The love he has chosen is what my husband would call ‘Mars Bar Love’.

The exciting anticipation, of eating the mars bar or another chocolate or favourite food or possession or experience is a lovely warm feeling that is often commercialised as a sensual and erotic sensation by image makers.

But when you are full of ‘Mars Bars’ the thought of another is sickening ~ until the appetite revives and a love for it returns.

This kind of love is not long lasting, it does not equal the consistency of fulfilment, contentment and peace.

This is why my husband told me he resented her being in the flat after he had ended the fling. This is why he cried with relief when she eventually left, he phoned me immediately to tell me she had gone. He phoned all his children to tell them she had gone. He felt a weight had lifted from him.

For a few brief weeks earlier this year my husband was the happiest I had seen him for years, his blood pressure that had soared earlier in the year had begun come down.

He told me he had not valued what he had with me and family. Saying his two main regrets were letting me go on the tenth of August 2016 then allowing her to move in with him.

I read an email he had written to a friend telling him he has made things worse by stupidly allowing a women to move in with him.

This was the most depressing season of his life ~ how does he expect to arrive at a station, with a scenery overflowing with love joy and happiness, when he has taken the same Ghost Train.

Early in our reconciliation we talked about a ring he had bought me for our 25th wedding anniversary. He asked why I didn’t wear it as I was wearing my original engagement ring. I told him how undervalued the ring made me feel because he showed no interest and when I went to collect it from the jewellers after being altered he sent me in to the shop myself and he stayed in the car.

He wept and was very sorry he had been so indifferent, he promised he would NEVER undervalue me again….

He was regretful that he had not been there for me when i had surgery, saying he should have been the one who looked after me.

I had to have surgery again recently, he was not around again. I booked a taxi to go to hospital on my own as my children were working. I was fine with this, I’m a big girl ~ but it would have been good to have my husband with me, to look after me.

he confessed he had neglected our marriage, because he worked too many hours in a day, and began to promise us a life with more free time to spend together and take trips to Rome, Berlin and New York that have been on my bucket list for years ~ I was amazed he actually remembered them.

We talked of the reality of a long term dream that we planned in our thirties.

i don’t blame her, my children are not angry with her.

Their father is the one they hold responsible. Opinions of her are about what she represents. She is a product of a different culture to ours, her values and morals are about now and this life, she doesn’t have an eternal perspective ~ at the moment.

My husband told me she believes God is a fairy story and that if they want to be together, every one else should accept it. This isn’t a uncommon value system ~ but it will never be my husbands or his families.

Yes the bible teaches us to ‘Love Accept and Forgive’

~ There is a vast difference between ‘Acceptance and Approval’...

Because we can never approve of my husbands choices ~ this creates an impasse affecting breakdown of relationship ~ with no possibility of a relationship with those he is involved with.

My children do not want their children to be exposed in any way to my husbands choices or that they are acceptable and approved of at any level by their parents.

The bible also teaches us to choose friends and those we spend time with wisely, so that we are influenced towards a healthy and wholesome, honest and as pure as possible lifestyle.

Influence is subtle and we won’t recognise we are being influenced unless we are intentionally aware of it. This is the reason for the biblical guideline.

This is also another issue my children raised ~ regarding the influences they invite into their homes.

Sadly this is how it is at the moment because my husband invited immoral influences into his life.

I sincerely pray that in 2018 my husband discovers the man he is designed to be. The genuine him whoever he is will be loved accepted and forgiven when we meet him,

For now mine and my husbands unknown future is entrusted into the hands of our all-knowing God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you again  for all who read my blog, i appreciate the vast world wide support from you all ~ Catch up again soon x

Proverbs 19:11
The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger.

It is his glory to overlook an offence.

The opportunity to be offended can be a daily occurrence, unless we learn how to handle them. Amazingly, as we practice positive and healthy reactions to offences, they occur less often.

We cannot do anything about the judgments and reactions of others towards us.
It isn’t actually my business what others think or say about me. I am not responsible or accountable for anything that is said of me by others.

None of us like to be judged ~ BUT ~ there is a big difference between being judged and someone simply making a personal judgement.

We cannot avoid making judgments. We make them every day about what someone says or the actions they take, without even calculating the effect of our judgment. Most of us in that moment decide what we think or feel then carry on with our day and forget the moment immediately.

The danger of becoming judge and jury depends on how we continue to process the conclusions we come to, then become judgmental, by categorising a persons character and motives, based on our presupposed and possibly biased judgments.

For us to know the undiluted incentive and purpose behind another’s words and actions we would have to get inside their head and heart and walk a lifetime in their shoes ~ which is impossible.

All we have to make our own evaluations on an issue, is the filter of our own experiences.  It’s at this point that our opinion can become polluted and judgmental. Even when we know a person really well, we only know of them what they want us to know.

There are countless men and women who have suffered terribly throughout their lives, carrying the stigma of historical abuse, domestic violence, mental illness and so much more. And no-one ~ ever ~ knew.

This impacts monumentally on their judgements and reactions toward others.

The colour of the thread of all they endured is woven through their entire lives and throbs within them like a contorted tendon that no one can see or comprehend. The fact that they have sustained life at all is admirable.

If we fail to understand that we can never know a person completely, with all their unique complexities and and entanglements, we will make misunderstood judgements and hold undeserved prejudices, predictions and presumptions, which in some issues say more about us than the person we judge.

In many cases it is crucial to make a judgement on how a person presents at face value. When looking for a childminder to care for our children or a carer for an elderly relative, to name just two critical situations. Though this is not the subject of this blog, i feel i should qualify.

It is the “sometimes i just cannot help it” kind of judgements we all fall into ~ Our humanity is easily aroused. I have heard them, concurred with them and even worse ~ yes i admit pronounced them myself.

~ It is what we do with judgements that may not be ok.

Words and actions don’t automatically reflect what is in our heart. We learn to compensate for our painful reality.

Just as we would if we had a limping leg, we use our healthy leg more.

Emotionally most of us present ourselves as healthy and keep our limp hidden, for no one to see.

Sometimes, not always, there are three truths when words are spoken and deeds are actioned.

1. What was actually said and done.

2. The perceptions that motivated what was said and done.

3. Our personal perception of what we heard and saw.

Why? Because my thread is a different colour to your thread, you cannot see my thread, i cannot see your thread. The knots, twists and turns and frayed edges of my thread are in a different place to yours.

We don’t even know ourselves entirely, because the needle and thread begins its masterpiece in our infancy, even before we are born.

My husband and i were in someones else car many years ago. I saw a condom in the door pocket. The car belonged to a married man.

Due to the effect that my husbands behaviour had impacted on me, i immediately suspected the car owner was being unfaithful to his wife. It was more than probable that there was a moral explanation, but my default was set to suspect an immoral conclusion.

i don’t speak as though i am on trial for my words, I just speak. We are all on trial ~ but not to each other, generally.

One day, every one of us will be called to give an account of every glib word we have spoken and every action we have taken.

But I tell you, on the day of judgment people will have to give an account for every careless or useless word they speak. Matthew 12:36 Amplified Bible

Once words are out of our mouth they are no longer ours.

They will be interpreted and judged in many different ways by our listeners.

When our torments are combined with other people torments, we may find empathy, warmth and mutual appreciation, even when the scars that nag and pull relentlessly are not mentioned.

This is recognised as friendship

When they combine with some others, they may collide with a combustion of anxiety, confusion and inward strife.

A personality clash, this is called.

There have been many comments over the years that might have offended me or negatively nested in me. Their motive may have been completely pure and loving with my best interest and well being at heart. Or their reaction may have spilled over from the pain and disappointment they are carrying from personal life experiences.

I don’t think many people wake up in the morning and decide they want to offend someone today.

This is why is it important to manage possible offence healthily.

We can decide… Are we Teflon coated? To protect our hearts, emotions and mind. So that the residue of last nights offence will simply wash of us. Or are we coated with Velcro? so all the offences will build up then eventually even what is kind and pure will become contaminated by all those layers of burned on flecks and stains of previous vocal and physical exploitations.

This will leave us feeling threatened, defensive and insecure with a greater potential to carry more offences.

Recently I have become aware of some Velcro coating and I have residue.

I need to be ruthless with the soap and water and scourer.

Maybe like me, you too need to soak for a while.

Are you unsure? We don’t notice the stains from the build up of offences on ourselves. We see it on others but may not notice the gradual build up on our own lives. Ask yourself some questions on the subject and be willing to listen to your consience.

On the subject of threads weaving through our lives, there is another thread that began before we were born. Printed on a our spiritual DNA

it began in everyone who ever they are or were.

It goes like this…

 

and only you are right

you know what’s best do you

as long as you speak true

you’re feelings matter most

you say – is your brand new

honesty is whats important ~ you boast

does it matter who’s right or wrong

there was an angel in heaven before time

he led in chorus the heavenly throng

in song

lucifer was his name

he thought he was right

that he mattered most

he did boast ~ just like now

he had approvals ~ and applauds

from those he thought would count

his pride grew stronger

you won’t be God any longer

for i am right ~ he did recount

from that moment

he fell from heaven

with all who praised his pride

God is still God He does not change

from Him one cannot hide

He does not alter

when we falter

then dance on our own parade

is the god in your head

the one you worship?

is the God in your heart

up there ~ with me ~ on the shelf?

He is your faithful Father

while your idol is yourself

He will not leave you ~ never

He knows the end of the story

will give Him the glory

until then

because you think you’re right

and everyone else

and God

is wrong

makes you an outcast

in the wake of your own mess

for now ~ from those you love

acceptance – forgiveness

for you affirms

Grace and mercy too ~ is yours

but sadly – not on your terms.