Long Walk Home

Long Walk Home

 

“I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free” Nina Simone

I wish I knew how
It would feel to be free
I wish I could break
All the chains holding me
I wish I could say
All the things that I should say
Say ’em loud say ’em clear
For the whole round world to hear

I wish I could share
All the love that’s in my heart
Remove all the bars
That keep us apart
I wish you could know
What it means to be me
Then you’d see and agree
That every man should be free

I wish I could give
All I’m longin’ to give
I wish I could live
Like I’m longin’ to live
I wish I could do
All the things that I can do
Though I’m way overdue
I’d be starting anew.

Well I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be
If I found I could fly
I’d soar to the sun
And look down at the sea
And I sing ’cause I know
How it feels to be free

My Husband has played this Song over and over almost every day this year. He told me that he would cry tears as he listened to the words in his desperation to be free.

He played it to me while we were waiting for food to be served at a restaurant about ten weeks ago. The tears poured down his face as we listened to the words.

He confessed that he deeply regretted that he didn’t look for a different solution last summer. He profoundly regretted that I had to walk away. He also bitterly regretted that he did not say NO to her countersigning the contract on the flat and consequently allowing her to move in  with him.

We spent over three hours together. He talked about his determination to detach himself from his circumstances including her. But he asked me if i would be patient for him as it would be a long way back, because his mess was so huge it could take him until after Christmas.

All i could say was that he needed to do what he needed to do for himself without my involvement. I needed to stay out of his way in terms of his personal process.

He broke us, only he can fix us. I cannot be the solution, but i will respond positively to every good and healthy choice he takes ~

I will stand with him as we walk through the difficulties together.

I cannot be the one that makes demands or places conditions on him. He must come up with all the solutions to the very many concerns that we will face as we take each step forward.

My husband had already told her in January that he was unhappy and that he wanted out.

Following our conversation he made changes much quicker than he expected and now as i write ~ he is free ~

How do i really know this is true?

I hear this question many times from people who care about me and my well being.

I totally understand why the question is asked… We both know we would ask it ourselves if the circumstances and history were about someone we knew and loved.

My response for now is that he is different, all his characteristics regarding his loyalty to me are like nothing i have seen before. None of the familiar cover up, lying, transference and avoidant angry and defensive traits are visible to me, and haven’t been since before Christmas 2016

Why didn’t he simply pack his bags and walk away when he was so unhappy? I asked him this question, family and friends said this is what he should have done.

He had his reasons ~ I had to leave him to manage his own way through what were very complex steps towards his freedom.

We are separated, this was his business and as difficult as it was, it was his process not mine.

He took full responsibility for bringing her into his mess.

Back up… I butted in… she walked willingly into your mess. You did not invite her to live with you. You did not intend her to share the contract on the flat. They were her intentions and suggestions.

“I have to take full responsibility” he confirmed…  “I cannot lay the blame with someone else” He continued.

The only way to become a responsible husband and father was to own and accept my sin”.

Is this my husband I pondered to myself?

This is not who I have known for over three decades. To hear him making such clear and decisive statements regarding his personal and private mess without a shrug of his shoulders or stroke of his face  or a scratch of his head was shockingly enlightening in the best possible way.

This was not the Grey One… 

We are taking what has now become our joint process a day to day and step by step pathway. We are not rushing the transition.

Had i not have left our home last August, my husband confessed he would have returned home to me within weeks. Had that been the way our reconciliation had played out I feel we would have stood little chance of my husband making the lasting changes that he is making now ~

~ had he not experienced the worst year of his life ~ His words…

 

Fast Forward

Fast Forward

Thank you everyone who has been reading this blog. My many followers and thousands of visitors from all over the world have encouraged me to continue blogging and writing.
My book Reverend Grey will be published soon. Please look out for my website, titled…

…’Born Of Fire Media’

It will go live before book release. I will provide a link here once the site is ready.

This blog from now will change direction slightly.

The following chapters of Reverend Grey can be read when the book is published and on sale from the website. The remaining chapters cover the most difficult and yet at the same time the most amazing year of my life, where the Grey Identity in my husband got darker than ever. Hope for both our reconciliation and my husbands future with his family became paper thin and could have vapoured into total obscurity through the autumn of last year ~ 2016.

It was also the year where i developed a confident strength of purpose and a healthy independence once the thunderous storms of anger and frustration passed from over my head.

It’s as though I fast tracked forward to catch up with the me I should be now in 2017. I had lost sight long ago of a possible future without the Grey One to manage and a basement to keep guard of, that I got stuck in the role of policing my husbands morals.

In reality I was no more than a cardboard cut out in the shape of an authority figure, with no way of enforcing a penalty for his wrongs.

Now in the present August 2017, both my husband and i admit that as dreadful as the last year has been it was the best thing that could have happened to us.

I had no idea that during the dark months of last year my husband who is not at all vulnerable to the choice of taking his own life, told me he can understand how people in his lost and desperate state could believe there was no other option but to take their own lives.

It was such a dark and hopeless time, many would choose death as their only escape – were his words.

When we met during those months he would weep, convey his deep love for me and how he missed me, then leave me to go back to his dark choices.

This would make me angry for at least two days i would take my anger out on him by emailing and texting him, copying her in to make sure she knew what i was saying to him. Then I would express my anger and  hostility to my children.

They were angry too so we fed each other’s feelings over those weeks ~

even though I was desperate to rescue him from his grave of despair that he had dug for himself.

Once he was back there and out of my reach i knew i had lost sight of him again. It took me months to finally let him go, realising i could not rescue him.

The blog has only touched the surface of my husbands dark identity. The book tells it in its rawness where it is necessary for the purpose of warning others to stay well away from those destructive websites and where they can lead to. One day i believe my husband will tell it all himself, he will fill in the gaps and join me to rescue others from a similar trap.

When i write about her, she represents many others, she personifies pornography and all its subtle seductions. Yes she is a real person, valued in the mind of God, made in the image of her creator God. God loves her, Jesus died for her. I sincerely hope she discovers her Saviour one day.

She also represents the many others ~ she was not the only one. Even during the time he was involved with her, there were others, i have their names and all the messages and emails they also wrote to my husband. when i refer to her, i am also including them.

It was a spirit of seduction he fell for, pornography is a seduction of lust.

There are many other seductions out there who want to capture us. We may not be vulnerable to the lure of lust, but what about the enticement of wealth and possessions that are gained illegally at the cost of others. Then there’s position that is gained by usurping authority or by manipulation. Gluttony, pride and lying or stirring up conflict and causing division. There are those who without thought align with wicked plans. All of these and more can make us feel powerful and in control.

They fill a void in need, or is hungry for significance.

There only power is over the individual they sweet talked into their plans.

Yet most of the ones who get cheated into these seductions, can be blind to the damage and destruction they are causing themselves and others as my husband and she were ~  

she still is…

I invite you to walk with me through my ‘now’. If i can help you, walk with me and we will do it together.

This next season of my life may be the most tricky and topsy turvy pathway i have ever walked.

The path of reconciliation…

Here goes…!

 

 

 

 

 

Didn’t I Say ~ Move Out Of The Way?

Didn’t I Say ~ Move Out Of The Way?

God saw every sin

an open book to him

i poured out my tears

in anguish and prayers

his answer ~ always love

in him did hope not move

I am not usually so self-absorbed, but this last year has been one big fat drama blown up within proportion to its demands.

We need to take our divided paths through the valley of doubts and climb back up to find a new landscape that will bring closure to suspicions and deceptions.

We need to rediscover ourselves in our own time.

We both have to face our failings, travel through the tunnel of an uncertain outcome and come through the other side before we can fully know if our future will lead us back together or not.

There was not a single cross word between us while we prepared for separation. We were not talking about the details of our situation so much. It was incredibly difficult for my husband to watch us dismantle our home and marriage, due to his infidelity.

I was intentional about my attitude as knowing my husband and the Grey One as I did it would have made things far easier if I was hostile. I didn’t want to be hostile at all during our final days together. I wanted them to be remembered as a peaceful and positive process. That is how I felt ~ peaceful and positive.

My story is extreme, and I still only know that because of the expressions of shock on the faces of my family and friends, as they hear me unveil another layer of the depth of addictive and promiscuous behaviour to which my husband declined.

I wasn’t aware of how spoiled my mind had become. It was friends and family who recognised my inability to see how wrong things were, due to my blind loyalties towards Reverend Grey.

I will need help to unwrap the layers of impairment, and then to erase the stain and contamination my mind has been programmed to accept as normal. I will need to reboot my sensory receptors to achieve a correct perception and understanding to what a marriage relationship should truly reflect if I am ever to be able to trust again.

I am who I am because of the unconventional fashion of my marriage. I now know that I can and will recover mentally and emotionally.

Over the years I have normalised my husbands addiction and become desensitised to the impact it has made.

I do not respond, as I ought to the degree of emotional violence it caused.

My husband didn’t master control in the early days to separate from the Grey One’s influence when pornography came to seduce. She knew the Reverends deepest and darkest want. She knew how to stroke his ego until he could not resist her lure. She did not stop enticing until she had stripped reputation, dignity and hope.

Then the fool was duped into paying the bill of consequence.

A high-end price tag of designer disbursement and the currency was his wife, family, many fond friends and two very successful careers.

I feel sad that for now my husband is completely dominated by the giant he is foolishly aligned with, and cannot say no to. I should feel humiliated and degraded, yet I feel I am rescued from the final outcome of a neglected sea vessel wrecked by a turbulent and raging storm. I was bailed out, overboard and I am safe, wounded but recovering, while my husband is stuck to the wreckage and is still going down with the ship.

To print our thirty-four year history is worth every word if it can prevent such extreme recklessness that exists to steal the soul from the core of other families.

Someone needs to break out of the silence and unmask the ultimate depravity uncontrollable lust will crave!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was good to be back in the town I have called home for many years.

I had a few days with my daughter and her family, and then we were away together at the annual Festival, where a year before Reverend Grey’s morals were exposed.

What a fabulous week it was back in the bubble of love, care and affection from many wonderful people.

Spiritually it was a remarkable time for me – but that is another story!

One of my brothers in law asked me what was the worst thing my husband has ever done. There are a few worst things that have affected me in different ways.

I chose not to say what they were. But they did involve her crossing the threshold of our family home.

My marriage that was consecrated at the alter, was desecrated.

It was my hope that we could be a positive example by the way we handled the shameful and humiliating exposure. That as a whole family we would stand united to defeat the assailant of my husbands public demise.

We still can, it’s not too late for my husband to beat the Grey One into nonexistence.

The family and I are rebuilding together estranged from him for now.

This will not be the end of my story!

I am on an assault against everything that facilitates deception and betrayal within an intimate relationship such as marriage.

I know that deceit and betrayal go hand in hand with humanity, affairs will continue, relationships will end, pain won’t stop.

My argument is with those who both encourage and facilitate lies, betrayals and deceptions. And those who carelessly target married people to satisfy their need for sexual porn style significance through the secrecy of the Internet.

The details of the Grey One’s betrayals left me sick in my stomach.

To see emotional investment in her was cruel. Must he please her to the degree of agony he causes?

 What he cannot see for now is the squalid ambience of mystique that plots to underhandedly influence the atmosphere to achieve its sinister design.

For now he is so morally corrupt he is blind to the depth of degradation he has blindly succumbed to that he will believe his life is manageable. He will be clean and shaved; he will smile in the right places and be funny at times. His flat will be spotless, tidy and well managed with no one to answer to ~ Yet!

Until the day his conscience invades his lonely-hearts door and penetrates through the lies he mistook for truth. The darkness he mistook for light and the lecherousness he mistook for love.

It is my prayer that pure love will devise a way and the means to cast a warmth that will draw him like a moth to a flame, to melt the icy precipitation of his own cold demise so it will drain from his feet.

The sponsored talk-a-thon had begun, this was how it worked.

I was clearing out the trash ~ The whole grubby lot of it.

I was able to go over and over again the details of my real life drama, with lovely family and friends. Every time I arrived at a different home I took a deep breath and relished the opportunity of going over it all again.

Thank you Friends and family ~ you know who you are…

Psalm 34:17&18 The Message

Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,
ready to rescue you.

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.

Master Plan

Master Plan

When Grey could no longer hide

your vow broke in two

torn from your bride

blinded by shame were you ~

when will you see

what you have done to me.

Our circumstances do not sound like we slipped into separation. The plans were calculated and planned for some weeks or months. I am guessing, based on knowing my husband well, he went along with her agenda to please her. Sadly she would have believed he was equally committed.

Three months to the day after I left that is how my husband explained our folly to me. That we slipped into a separation.

I put it to him that we did not slip into anything. It is impossible to equate flat hunting, followed by agreeing a contract, with such an unpredictable outcome of regrettable and consequential proportions, and call it a slip into.

He replied that he was swept along by the agenda and persuasion of another.

That is the Grey One, a chronic people pleaser, who runs with the moment, whatever the moment is at the time and whoever is the influence in those moments.

Of course he cannot say the word no! He must please.

This time it was the Grey One and she not my husband and me.

 He is a chronic people pleaser at the cost of his beliefs; values and his most precious loved ones.

I have just spoken to my husband on the phone for half an hour.

His recollection of our separation has become somewhat grey around the edges. Not only had we slipped into the way things are, but that I was resigned to the separation for a month before it happened.

How does he change the goal posts in the process of events to make the circumstances favour his position?

I was never resigned. That is a huge misrepresentation of my position. The Grey One said he was going to leave me and move in with her. That statement gave me no other option than to walk away from the toxic environment of the Grey One’s painful intentions.

It frustrates me that he allows her to influence his mind. He goes with the tide, open to the power of tempting suggestions, and I should know that as well as anyone. He doesn’t make things happen, he allows things to happen.

It is primal to my understanding of our fallible development, that it takes faith and courage to be free from the underlying mindsets and belief systems that are environmentally forced upon us in our infancy.

They may be drowned out by the noise of the exciting and exhilarating experiences of youth and young adulthood. But when troublesome days encroach they will be aroused, and demand exclusive rights to the soul they shaped.

No one will know the painful effects of pornography, if we allow it to

Remain behind the password that cannot be seen or heard. 

Whether mental and emotional pain was intentional or not it has its effect on our development. Like the uniqueness of the design of our fingerprints is the unparalleled way pain will define us one from the other, irrespective of the level of pain experienced.

 Then when the age of sexualisation is awakened, it will be the sought for piece, chiselled to fit the void unhealed wounds created.

It has become inherent to ignore and suppress mental or emotional damage committed against us. Unlike physical pain, unseen hurt goes unnoticed unless awareness is raised how to recognise it.

Just as vultures hover over the bleeding and dying, ready to satisfy itself on flesh that once represented life and status, pornography and all its weaponry will arouse to satisfy her lust from the fragile, damaged and wounded soul.

It remains by no means an excuse, to be tolerated by remaining weak against the demands of the child within, and ignore mature adult responsibility for thoughts, choices and actions taken ~

when our history seeks out the present, with a plan to commandeer the future.

We have to be intentional to break free from our past. We must access professional counselling, and all the prayer and support we need, to master the skeletons in our closet. Especially if your skeletons are secrets unseen by anyone else. We cannot do this alone, we need help.

Do not allow what is thought of as a minor issue, become so large a consequence of neglect that in later life wrecks relationships and families.

If this is you? Do yourself and those who love you a favour and get help, pick up your phone and call someone now.

You will not want to do it, so there is no point waiting until you do. Nothing will change for the better; there is no status quo. Your situation will continue to worsen.

Don’t wait until terrible circumstances force you of the road and out of action.

~~~~~~~~~

As i am writing about our marriage, we are currently apart. I know he loves me and misses me very much, as I do him. But his actions brought about circumstances that he couldn’t control and those circumstances rescued me.

I believe in my despair I fell into the master plan of my loving and perfect heavenly father that day. I truly did not process a single thought regarding my personal outcome. My matter of fact announcement to leave first and be free of the noise was a script that had been written in the heavens. All I had to do was step into cast.

 Loving heavenly father, I pray for those who need a plan of rescue now, that you will write their lines and when the moment comes they will know exactly what to say and what to do.

 Amen.

Lyrics from Above The Noise ~ McFly

On the mystery of a love
That always finds itself in me
On the beauty of desire
That keeps calling me to deep
I’ve seen a lot of places
I’ve been to me and back
Every time I take that trip
I always over pack
I bring the dreams that charmed me
One’s that owned my past
Why do I hold so tight the
Things that never last
I want a heart that hears you whisper
I want these eyes to see your plans
I want a soul that holds to something
That’s beyond these human hands
I want the feeling of your presence
I want to love to hear your voice
I want to live above the noise

Ghost Train

Ghost Train

 

The skeletons can no more hide,

Had we made it to the end of the ride.

Then up from the floor bursts the biggest scare of all.

Kindness! My new coping strategy.

I was done with the stress of conflict. It didn’t help anyone. I was done with passivity, that didn’t make any difference either. I made up my mind from then I would kill my husband with kindness.

Meltdowns and hostility played into the Grey One’s hands, as he found it easier to meet me head on with the offensive.

I felt the tension to keep the Grey One hidden while I was benevolent from my heart.

I meant every word when I told him, he lights up my life when I see his face approaching when I picked him up in the evening. How it was my favourite time of the day when he messaged to say he was on his way home. That I was happy to wake up beside him every morning with a hug. There were many more ways I could genuinely show my love and appreciation to him. I meant every word.

I intentionally began to hug him for longer, he would pull away after a couple of seconds, but I would pull him in for more, I practiced this with purpose, to love our marriage back to health.

Everything within a marriage covenant that is so easily taken for granted and it should be, I expressed my genuine love and appreciation for.

I embraced the next few months; there were no arguments, no conflict or division between us.

Thursday 28th July 2016 was our date night, my stomach rolls when I think back to this date. A table was booked at a favourite Indian restaurant.

It was a wonderful evening, we chatted together as we ate.

We talked about our retirement. We laughed together too, silly things that no one else would find funny.

The night ended beautifully, this was the last time we were intimate.

As the lights went out on our date for us to go to sleep, little did I know the lights also went out on my marriage, which at the time, was

34 years 15 weeks and 4 days.

It was Friday ~ it began as usual, it was a beautiful sunny day, and I dropped my husband off at the station at six fifteen am.

I was meeting a friend for lunch at twelve midday. So I set my alarm and went back to sleep.

There was post on the mat, two or three letters.

Deep abandonment aroused from its dormancy when I read the envelope that had lay on the door mat for most of the morning.

The letter was addressed to my husband and her. In black ink on a white envelope were his name and her name, then our address.

What was I about to find out from this post?

There was not a doubt that I should open it, I had no idea what to expect.

I was not prepared for the biggest horror of my married life.

Dear Mr Grey and Ms her, I am writing to confirm that your offer on a one bedroom flat has been accepted. The keys will be available for you to collect on Friday 12th August 2016, when you come into the office to sign the contract, please bring with you your passports and a utility bill.

It continued to address the financial expectations from them plus all other necessary details when renting a property.

I was propelled into a tailspin,

as an aeroplane that is rapidly spiralling out of control descending into a crash landing.

I was in denial to all the implications. I couldn’t think past this moment.

I felt, as nothing made sense. Time hung there, swinging in the chill of slow motion balance between confusion and disbelief.

I was on the outside of my life, looking on in absolute dismay.

As if in a terrible dream I couldn’t wake up from.

I phoned my husband. Without any small talk I began to read the letter to him.

Oh dear, was his response.

He said he would phone me back when he was alone.

I couldn’t stay in the house, I had to drive away, and find space and fresh air.

I needed to be where no one could watch me deal with the elephant that landed on my chest. I was seriously eratic! I could not think properly, I felt empty of reason.

I was sitting on a bench that was situated on the edge of a lawn in a village square about five miles away from where we lived.

He confirmed that he and her had been looking for a flat and that he was going to tell me next week that he was leaving me and they were moving in together and that he was sorry.

I wasn’t angry, I was shocked and numb, but calm. We rang off saying we can talk later.

In the space of an hour my husband had time to work out, with her help no doubt, another face to face crisis between his dual personalities and the impossible task of pleasing both worlds. To devise an explanation of yet another exposure. this was his worst attempt of fake honesty

I didn’t believe for a moment that was the truth around the flat.

The events that unfolded over the following few weeks, and now that today I do know the truth and circumstances surrounding the property, my initial disbelief is confirmed. 

I immediately called a friend; there was no answer so I left voicemail. I’m not sure how I was able to do this due to all the years I have kept his secrets. I didn’t rationalise the situation or weigh up the pros and cons, I simply left a message on a friend’s mobile telling them the details of what had just happened.

I was only able to work out much later that had I not told someone immediately I might well have weakened with a few hours and begged him not to go through with it.

Then he would most likely have cancelled his interest in the plan…

Which I believe is what he would have expected me to do, as it had been my reaction in the past.

I had rescued us enough times from the brink of total wipe out, why did it not cross my mind this time? I still cannot answer that.

It was as though i had arrived at the end of a long and difficult road.

I was worn, torn and tired.

I have spent years, recovering over and over again from an emotional mess. Making allowances, broadening the path.

This was the last time I would be at the direct mercy of my husbands’ grey identity.

I sincerely and prayerfully hope so…

Fake it ~ Will We Make It…?

Fake it ~ Will We Make It…?

Reckless intention

Destructive plan

Beyond comprehension

 Ache for intervention.

It was Good Friday.

I triggered a volatile switch.

I asked how counselling went two evenings before. He wasn’t at all keen to talk about it, he was defensive. I then reacted to his indifference with emotion, which escalated into a full blown torrent of fury displaying what I had become programmed to recognise as –

If I put pressure on him he will silence me with anger. Silent I was not.

The separating option came up in the heat and emotion, which would only be said when the Grey One is personified in the moment of enmity between him, my husband and me.

I did not want a separation from my husband, but I did not want to live with the Grey One or her anymore. As much as I tried to make it happen I was not to have one without the other.

I parked the subject; and prepared for the day. On the surface there was calm, inside I was churning.

Mid morning my husband suggested we go for coffee at our local garden centre.

This was a helpful move forward.

In the restaurant with our coffees and he talked about his counselling session.

We levelled again.

The Grey One was back into the shadows ~ out of sight until the next time.

I didn’t make any more discoveries of the Grey One’s plans for a few weeks.

We had booked a holiday in the Canary Islands during the spring. We had the best weeks holiday I can remember for a long time. We didn’t have one fall out; neither did I sense anything suspicious. Love, affections and warmth between us was comforting.

Normally when we’re on holiday the Grey One is eager to find Wi-Fi in a local café or bar and we would have to visit the same place every day so he could catch up on line.

It was a holiday habit to download emails and answer anything urgent.

But not on this holiday. He didn’t take his phone or tablet out when we went for a walk or a meal. It was so refreshing to have a break from the anticipation of lurking suspicion.

While we were relaxing in the apartment, I mentioned to my husband that I could live happily in a place like this abroad in our retirement.

We both got carried away with hopes and dreams of our future, somewhere abroad but only a couple of hour’s flight back to England, we both began to dream about the possibilities.

I could actually believe for a future without concern for the Grey One.

The holiday was coming to an end; it was the day to leave, we got packed and ready for the journey home.

We were watching the world go by in the departure lounge as usual. I went for a wander around the shops for a browse to kill some time. As I wandered back I saw him scrolling through his phone. Immediately my fears were triggered. I really wish I had not seen him on his phone, more so I wish he had not been tempted to look at it.

He did and I saw him.

It’s fine. I guessed he was catching up on football results, it was Saturday. In an innocent attempt to calm my suspicious mind I approached him from behind so that I could see his screen.

A red mist came over me as I saw her face over and over again as he scrolled through the messages and photos she had sent him through the week of our holiday.

I was livid. I cannot fully describe in words how I felt in that moment. Sadly to my discredit I think everyone in the departure lounge knew he was having an affair. I was not quiet as I voiced my despair.

I had to cope in the only way I knew how to, so that I could sleep all the way home. I did sleep ~

Truthfully I was unconscious, due consequence of my sedation methods.

I remember very little until the next day. We arrived home at around three thirty am; I woke up around ten am.

We had a quiet Sunday; the atmosphere wasn’t great between us. The Grey One was annoyed with me for my uncontrolled display of emotions and too much alcohol which had caused me to vomit on the flight as well as being completely out of it.

He began browsing the Internet looking at one-bedroom flats. I couldn’t cope that he was visiting the option of separation again.

With all the pain he had put me through, he punishes me for an emotional meltdown because of her invasive seductions and intent to ruin what was a very special and wonderful holiday. He could not see, or was willing to accept where the fault rests.

Did he really expect me to turn a blind eye while the duplicitous characters submit to Delilah’s controlling manipulations under my nose?

This was too much.

How much more is he prepared to lose before he comes to his senses?

His pride is like a fortress built around the corpse of dry bones,

left in the wake of the beast that has ravaged every ounce

of life from him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The weeks rolled forward, sadness was my underlying mental and emotional state.

This was not going to be an easy time for either of us. The Grey One was going forward with his addictions and affair. Him doing so meant he was consistent in his deceitful pretences to his family and close friends. They were all sceptical. They were right to be.

My husband was looking at porn, when he should have been looking at me.

He was sending intimate messages of love and desire to others, when his desire should be for me.

He was forsaking me, while keeping all others, when he should be forsaking all others and keeping himself for me.

Every vow my husband made on our wedding day, he practiced the opposing alternative.

It seemed at times that most things were back to front in our relationship.

At our wedding he would have been more honest to make these vows:

Will you have this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

To live together against Gods ordinance in unholy matrimony

To dishonour her, mistreat her, and ignore her

And forsaking her, keep thee unto another.

 I take thee to be my wedded wife,

To have, but not to hold, from this day forward.

I will dishonour you in the better times, and in the worst times,

I will disrespect you when rich or poor,

I will be disloyal to you in sickness, and in health.

I will humiliate and abandon you,

When we are parted by extra marital affairs.

This is my solemn vow.

These are the promises the Grey One has kept without exception.

I cannot advise anyone in similar circumstances, I gave my marriage every opportunity to survive without the agony of separation.

Our break up was inevitable, but I needed to be ready to accept it.

I chose to fake it until we make it ~ it wasn’t the answer ~ I submitted to the torture of slow and painful torment.

I only hope this scene in our story brings clarity to someone who is walking a similar path

The counsellor went through my husbands’ life, finely dissecting every part. He made the connection between the events around his birth with events at seventeen. He also recognised the polarised compartmentalisation and disassociation disorder.

Easter 2016. It was Good Friday.

I triggered a volatile switch.

I asked how counselling went two evenings ago. He wasn’t at all keen to talk about it, he was defensive. I then reacted to his indifference with emotion, which escalated into a full blown torrent of anger displaying what I had become programmed to recognise as ~

If I put pressure on him he will silence me with his anger. Silent I was not.

Mid morning my husband suggested we go for coffee at our local garden centre.

This was a helpful move forward.

In the restaurant with our coffees and he talked briefly about his counselling session.

We levelled again.

The Grey One had gone back into the shadows he was out of sight for a while.

I didn’t make any more discoveries of the Grey One’s plans for a few weeks.

We had booked a holiday during the spring. We had the best weeks holiday I can remember for a long time. We didn’t have one fall out, neither did I sense anything suspicious.

Normally when we’re on holiday the Grey One is eager to find Wi-Fi in a local café or bar and we would have to visit the same place every day so he could catch up on line.

It was usually a holiday habit to download and check emails and answer anything urgent.

But not on this holiday. He didn’t even take his phone or tablet out when we went for a walk or a meal. It was so refreshing to have a break from the anticipation of suspicion.

While we were relaxing in the apartment, I mentioned to my husband that I could live happily in a place like this abroad in our retirement.

We both got carried away with hopes and dreams of our future together, somewhere abroad but only a couple of hour’s flight back to England, we both began to dream about the possibilities.

I felt at that moment I could actually dream of a future without concern for the Grey One showing up.

The holiday was coming to an end; it was the day to leave, we got packed and ready for the journey home.

We were watching the world go by in the departure lounge as usual. I went for a wander around the shops for a browse to kill some time. As I wandered back I saw him scrolling through his phone.

Immediately my fears were triggered. I really wish I had not seen him on his phone, more so I wish he had not been tempted to look at his phone.

He did and I saw him.

It’s fine. I guessed he was catching up on football results, it is Saturday. In an innocent attempt to calm my suspicious mind I approached him from behind so that I could see his screen.

A red mist came over me as I saw her face over and over again as he scrolled through the messages and photos she had sent him through the week of our holiday. There were reams of them.

I was livid. I cannot fully describe in words how I felt in that moment. Sadly to my discredit I think everyone in the departure lounge knew he was having an affair. I was not quiet as I voiced my despair.

I had to cope in the only way I knew how to, so that I could sleep all the way home. I did sleep, truthfully I was unconscious, due consequence of my sedation methods.

I remember very little until the next day. We arrived home at around three thirty am; I woke up around ten am.

We had a quiet Sunday; the atmosphere wasn’t great between us. The Grey One was annoyed with me for my uncontrolled display of emotions and too much alcohol which had caused me to vomit on the flight as well as being completely out of it.

He began browsing the Internet looking at one-bedroom flats. I couldn’t cope that he was visiting the option of separation again.

With all the pain he had put me through, he punishes me for an emotional meltdown because of her invasive seductions and intent to ruin what was a very special and wonderful holiday. He could not see, or was willing to accept where the fault rests.

Did he really expect me to turn a blind eye while the duplicitous characters submit to Delilah’s controlling manipulations under my nose?

This was too much.

How much more is he prepared to lose before he comes to his senses?

His pride is like a fortress built around the corpse of dry bones

left in the wake of the beasts that have ravaged every ounce

of his life from him.

 

The Thin Blue Line

The Thin Blue Line

The path that leads to demise is the only one you can see,

You’re blindly in the belief that it cannot be.

And as you say ~ what i don’t see isn’t hurting me?

January 2016, she was back, Her.

I could see in his eyes that I had lost him, what had been recovered for those few brief weeks were gone again. I felt as though it was me against the Grey One and her. Every time he went backwards after a break, her grip got stronger.

I was still on his side but have no connection with her. He was and still is my husband. She was and still is in an adulterous affair with him.

I was not ready to let him go. I wanted to save our marriage. My fight was strong to rescue us from break up. In our pastoral role we had heard so many people share their regret of walking away from their marriage because of adultery. I didn’t want to be the one that gave up and walked away from ours.

I vowed for better or worse, there are no guidelines in the vow to what goes beyond worse. If that place existed, I wasn’t there yet. 

I wrote to her following her recent unwelcome presence in my husbands’ life. My husband is no longer available to you I wrote. You and he crossed a gross immoral line. You completely broke down trust in our marriage. As long as you remain in contact, you will be a threat to our family!

Stop your involvement with him and let us recover. Now we have to start all over again because of your recent invasion.

A marriage and a family is a whole unit, you cannot secretly isolate yourself to one member of a marriage and family, it will always bring heartache when you do. In the history of mankind no one has ever had a freebie, payday always comes to the culpable in some form.

It destroys, steels loyalty and breaks trust from within the marriage you tear apart.

He chose us – his family, this means he cannot have any part of the world you exist in any more!

I hope this is my final contact with you. If tomorrow, in a few days, weeks, months or even years I find you have been in touch with my husband I will get in touch with a member of your family to gain their support in helping you to move on and leave him alone.

All my interference did was strengthen their force and cause me to feel more obscure within my marriage. My husband was angry at my meddling, he accused me of being vindictive, and it wasn’t like me.

The tolerant one, blindly trusting in his word, had been the person he was used to me being. He was still attempting to convince me it was all her, that she wouldn’t back off.

I was getting less and less tolerant. My goal posts were narrowing.

January 2016 proved to be a horrid month!

The perpetual grim discoveries of the Grey One’s deceptions were grievous.

We argued because he had changed all his passwords and pass codes on his devises so that I could not access his calendar and emails etc.

Before slamming the door to leave, his parting words resounded with a conviction of final resolve. “I want my life back,” said the Grey One.

I was puzzled! What was the need in the Grey One’s statement?

His unseen control was gone ~

The Grey One was exposed there was nowhere to hide now.

He provoked pains that were all too familiar with an injury he had not inflicted on me before.

I was overwrought at his pretence of making progress in rebuilding our family; all that had been assembled was pseudo trust.

A wall built with bricks and no cement to secure them together will simply tumble down with the first blow.

Trust is the cement that holds a relationship together.

I could not continue in this sadness. I needed a break. I packed a case and drove out of town for a few days to get some space where I could get some clarity in my head.

It felt liberating to be out of such a toxic environment. This was the most empowering action I had taken ever through my entire marriage.

I began to understand for the first time that I couldn’t fight his addictions anymore, unless we were fighting side by side. Head to head conflict would never be the answer.

I was on the outside of my husband’s life.

I had to get out of the way. It was too painful to carry on watching from the outside. I could not hold it together any longer. I was heading in a direction that was going to cause trouble for more people and more family breakdown. He was right, vindictive behaviour isn’t like me.

At that moment I had no more resilience.

If our marriage could only survive by relying on my tolerance, it was all going to fall apart. I had to let it fail.

We met up together a few days later. We chatted generally over a coffee, I waited for him to begin, which he did. He had learned his lines well over the years.

He was right that I needed things to be very different. Which he understood and knew what the big change needed to be. Her.

The Grey One as always was grey in his response to change.

We had an important meeting in a couple of days; he needed me to be there. The day before the meeting he rang me, he gave me his word he would sort himself out.

Of course he didn’t intend to make any changes ~ He needed me home.

I went home.

When I arrived we had a long heart to heart about the condition of our marriage. We were both defensive but at peace.

We went to bed, the reunion became intimate and all was well in those moments.

I was willing and committed to giving him a chance to prove me wrong.

I wouldn’t desert him yet.

If the Grey One ever gives me no other option but to leave him again, I would not come back a second time. I would not take that decision lightly. Having left once and felt the freedom of empowerment by doing so.

I knew I could do it again.