Offences ~ Let Them be the Making of Us ~ Not the Shaping of Us!

Offences ~ Let Them be the Making of Us ~ Not the Shaping of Us!

Proverbs 19:11
The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger.

It is his glory to overlook an offence.

The opportunity to be offended can be a daily occurrence, unless we learn how to handle them. Amazingly, as we practice positive and healthy reactions to offences, they occur less often.

We cannot do anything about the judgments and reactions of others towards us.
It isn’t actually my business what others think or say about me. I am not responsible or accountable for anything that is said of me by others.

None of us like to be judged ~ BUT ~ there is a big difference between being judged and someone simply making a personal judgement.

We cannot avoid making judgments. We make them every day about what someone says or the actions they take, without even calculating the effect of our judgment. Most of us in that moment decide what we think or feel then carry on with our day and forget the moment immediately.

The danger of becoming judge and jury depends on how we continue to process the conclusions we come to, then become judgmental, by categorising a persons character and motives, based on our judgments.

For us to know the undiluted incentive and purpose behind another’s words and actions we would have to get inside their head and heart ~ which is impossible.

All we have to make our own evaluations on an issue, is the filter of our own experiences.  It’s at this point that our opinion can become polluted and judgmental. Even when we know a person really well, we only know of them what they want us to know.

There are countless men and women who have suffered terribly throughout their lives, carrying the stigma of historical abuse, domestic violence, mental illness and so much more. And no-one ~ ever ~ knew.

This impacts monumentally on their judgements and reactions toward others.

The colour of the thread of all they endured is woven through their entire lives and throbs within them like a contorted tendon that no one can see or comprehend. The fact that they have sustained life at all is admirable.

If we fail to understand that we can never know a person completely, we will make misunderstood judgements.

That is ok ~ it cannot be helped ~

~ It is what we do with that judgement that may not be ok.

Words and actions don’t automatically reflect what is in our heart. We learn to compensate for our painful reality.

Just as we would if we had a limping leg, we use our healthy leg more.

Emotionally most of us present ourselves as healthy and keep our limp hidden, for no one to see.

Sometimes, not always, there are three truths when words are spoken and deeds are actioned.

  1. What was actually said and done.

  2. The perceptions that motivated what was said and done.

  3. Our personal perception of what we heard and saw.

Why? Because my thread is a different colour to your thread, you cannot see my thread, i cannot see your thread. The knots, twists and turns and frayed edges of my thread are in a different place to yours.

We don’t even know ourselves entirely, because the needle and thread begins its masterpiece in our infancy, even before we are born.

My husband and i were in someones else car many years ago. I was in the front passenger seat and i saw a condom in the door pocket. The car belonged to a married man.

Due to the effect that my husbands behaviour had impacted on me, i immediately suspected the car owner was being unfaithful to his wife. It was more than probable that there was a moral explanation, but my default was set to suspect an immoral conclusion.

i don’t speak as though i am on trial for my words, I just speak. We are all on trial ~ but not to each other, generally.

One day, every one of us will be called to give an account of every glib word we have spoken and every action we have taken.

But I tell you, on the day of judgment people will have to give an account for every careless or useless word they speak. Matthew 12:36 Amplified Bible

Once words are out of our mouth they are no longer ours.

They will be interpreted and judged in many different ways by our listeners.

When our torments are combined with other people torments, we may find empathy, warmth and mutual appreciation, even when the scars that nag and pull relentlessly are not mentioned.

This is recognised as friendship

When they combine with some others, they may collide with a combustion of anxiety, confusion and inward strife.

A personality clash, this is called.

There have been many comments over the years that might have offended me or negatively nested in me. Their motive may have been completely pure and loving with my best interest and well being at heart. Or their reaction may have spilled over from the pain and disappointment they are carrying from personal life experiences.

I don’t think many people wake up in the morning and decide they want to offend someone today.

This is why is it important to manage possible offence healthily.

We can decide… Are we Teflon coated? To protect our hearts, emotions and mind. So that the residue of last nights offence will simply wash of us. Or are we coated with Velcro? so all the offences will build up then eventually even what is kind and pure will become contaminated by all those layers of burned on flecks and stains of previous vocal and physical exploitations.

This will leave us feeling threatened, defensive and insecure with a greater potential to carry more offences.

Recently I have become aware of some Velcro coating and I have residue.

I need to be ruthless with the soap and water and scourer.

Maybe like me, you too need to soak for a while.

Are you unsure? We don’t notice the stains from the build up of offences on ourselves. We see it on others but may not notice the gradual build up on our own lives. Ask yourself some questions on the subject and be willing to listen to your consience.

On the subject of threads weaving through our lives, there is another thread that began before we were born. Printed on a our spiritual DNA

it began in everyone who ever they are or were.

It goes like this…

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you.   Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.   Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.   Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.   Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.   Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.   Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.    Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.   Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.  Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book.   Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live.   Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.   Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother’s womb.   Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.   Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me.   John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love.  1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.   1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father.   1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.   Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.   Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.   James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.   Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.   Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.   Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.  Psalm 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.   Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.   Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.  Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul.   Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.   Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.   Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.   Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.   Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine.   Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.   2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.   2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you.   Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart.   Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes.   Revelation 21:3-4

And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.   Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.    John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.    John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.   Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you.    Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.    2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.    2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.   1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.    Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me.    1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.   Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.   Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father.    Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child?     John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.    Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.
Almighty God

 

When Everyone Else Is Wrong

When Everyone Else Is Wrong

and only you are right

you know what’s best do you

as long as you speak true

you’re feelings matter most

you say – is your brand new

honesty is whats important ~ you boast

does it matter who’s right or wrong

there was an angel in heaven before time

he led in chorus the heavenly throng

in song

lucifer was his name

he thought he was right

that he mattered most

he did boast ~ just like now

he had approvals ~ and applauds

from those he thought would count

his pride grew stronger

you won’t be God any longer

for i am right ~ he did recount

from that moment

he fell from heaven

with all who praised his pride

God is still God He does not change

from Him not one can hide

He does not alter

when we falter

then dance on our own parade

is the god in your head

the one you worship?

is the God in your heart

up there ~ with me ~ on the shelf?

He is your faithful Father

while your idol is yourself

He will not leave you ~ never

He knows the end of the story

will give Him the glory

until then

because you think you’re right

and everyone else

and God

is wrong

makes you an outcast

in the wake of your own mess

for now ~ from those you love

acceptance – forgiveness

for you affirms

Grace and mercy too ~ is yours

but sadly – not on your terms.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mine

Mine

nature gave me Legs

you gave me wings

nurture got me walking

you set me free for flying

heritage gave me roots

“you can soar” ~ you never stopped saying

~~~

against me was your worst

toward me your affections burst

dark was your judas kiss

yet the sun shone from your love ~

~ not a day did it miss

your value was over and above

~~~

God saw every sin

an open book to him

i poured out my tears

in anguish and in prayers

his answer ~ always love

in him hope did not leave

~~~

the crime that stole my shine

was not of your design

the cruel that crushed my spirit

was not your arm that did it

fear ~ my daily torment

and unrelenting snores

did not hijack my night ~ through yours

~~~

Troubles were quiet

we became a duet

Our brokenness marked time

patent granted since our prime

while managing your mess

your rescue came to bless

while managing mine

i didn’t see yours climb

~~~

When they could no longer hide

they broke your vow in two

torn from your bride

blinded by shame were you

now you can see

you’re coming back to me

~~~

If you survive the fall.

believe that you can mend,

then climb back up the wall

your dreams did not end

~~~

then together forever

fragile ~ delicate ~ sore

but safe to shore

and soon to soar

no longer an unwelcome guest

tomorrow invites your best

~~~

the dark knight has gone

my prince is home

the script has changed our story

yesterday is history

our love will shine even brighter

through the cracks that hold us tighter

~~~

reflecting the beauty of hopefulness

the supremacy of mercifulness

the power of forgiveness

yielding healing and acceptedness

~ no more to frown

for trust ~ will be a jewel in our crown

The Sound of Silence

The Sound of Silence

I want to hear him say

i want to see him do

i want to want to let him

say and do ~ for him ~ not me or you…

Easy to say ~ not so easy to put into practice.

This is the only way it can be ~ I refuse to make known mine or others demands ~ I turn down the option to ask him for anything in this pathway of reconciliation.

This doesn’t mean there are no demands ~ I have many.

I have a long list ~

He doesn’t know from my voice what they are ~ There is no hurry ~ I am not rushing this process.

It is his conscience he needs to listen to ~

If he is willing to listen it will speak to him.

There are actions he is either ignoring or procrastinating for now ~ he knows what they are…

He has ticked some boxes already.

They’re like instalments ~ they need to be regular and continuous deposits of loyalty and commitment to his God, marriage and family account.

I need to watch and hear him do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said. It’s what he desires and understands to be vital, urgent and important that is going to make things right and will make the difference.

Not because demands are made of him.

If i directed him in these matters he would do them and say them, one by one as i pointed them out. He loves me ~ he will want to please me.

I need more ~ We need more ~ Him ~ Me ~ His Family.

We need to see him taking the initiative and not relying on anyone to point out what is required.

I have done this throughout our marriage in many ways.

Dropping hints ~ most times i needed to drop a house brick before he would hear what i was saying or needed.

He phoned my mother today ~ to say happy birthday to her ~ Brownie point!

He has never phoned my mum before ~ I was immensely proud of him for doing that.

I would never have thought to ask this of him, which made it even more significant.

Truth alone ~ will protect us. Truth alone ~ will heal us. Truth alone ~

will rebuild and reconcile us.

Lies alone ~ will damage us. Lies alone ~ will deteriorate us. Lies alone ~

will divorce us.

A Lie is never our ally. A friend recently said to me ~

‘Truth is our friend’ ~ A loyal friend.

A hard truth is more healing than a easy lie.

A hard truth may take time to figure out ~ An easy lie will only take an instant to mess everything up.

So far ~ So good.

I don’t know yet how to not be suspicious or imagine an ulterior motive in play or anticipate the reappearance of the Grey One.

This will take time to change ~ there are times i think it will take longer than i hoped. There are so many things that trigger doubts and anxieties that need to die. But i am committed to accept the change with open arms and embrace trust for my husband ~ My loved one.

The one thing I cannot demand is his loyalty ~ It can only be given and this is what I need and expect from now ~ I can only give him mine.

 

 

Tick Tock Goes The Clock

Tick Tock Goes The Clock

for Big Ben you do not wait ~ early? no negotiate

you are never out of date ~ or ever even late

struck dumb is not your chime

     you ~ ‘TIME’ 

won’t silence for a dime

above all

~ it’s only what’s TRUE that you recall

it has to be admitted

you will not be outwitted

no-one gets a step ahead 

many try to stand you still

and for a little while ‘TIME’

~ they believed you paid their bill

we need you as you will

for all those things that only you ~

‘TIME’

~ can tell…

for one of a number of questions i face 

‘TIME’ is a friend I do not have to chase

you are my crust 

as you replace my broken trust

for GOLD DUST

thank you ~ that you are mine ~ 

the gift of ‘TIME’

 

 

 

 

 

 

On The Inside

On The Inside

Let praises rise from the inside of me
May You delight in the inside of me
Come fill my life from the inside of me
Set me on fire from the inside of me

Fill my life till all they see is You, Lord
Fill my heart till all they see is You, Lord
Glorify Your name

All I want Is for You to be glorified
For You to be lifted high

For most of the time we have a closed sign on the door to the inside of us. We may make the doorway available to our nearest and dearest, as those who live with us will have more access than most.

But there is always that back room ~ with the private sign ~ that no one else sees the inside of ~

Except God of course ~ nothing is hidden from Him.

This time last year I was angry on the inside. This year I am healing on the inside.

I was grieving on the inside, the swell of grief would rise like a wave and roll from deep inside as the reality of my brokenness crashed over my moments.

The words from our mouths can often contradict what is on the inside of us in an attempt to window dress our lives.

Emotional reactions and knee jerk responses or even our silence is the voice that reveals the inside of us. 

Listen for the silence ~ They are a revelation from the inside of us.

The whisper of our soul ~ Listen ~ and you will hear your soul speak.

Its that room we call the spare room, where all the stuff goes ~ the buried and ignored stuff.

Every time the door opens to put more stuff in, from our consience we hear the siren in a noisy whisper ~ sound from the room ~ 

Sort me out ~ Clean me ~ Order my chaos ~ Throw me away …

How long will we ignore the inside of us?

Sadly many die with it all still on the inside ~ their life was robbed of a guilt and shame free soul.

Both my husband and I could have been that person. Had he never been exposed we could have died with all that stuff, toxic and decayed on the inside of us.

I cannot tell you how wonderfully healing and freeing it has been to open the door to everyone, to put right all the wrongs, to forgive and one day i won’t need to remind myself to choose to forget the pain and damage.

For my husband, he has his greatest opportunity to live the remainder of his life free from the lurking silent howl of Skeletor, the demon of his past.

In its place in that room i want to use the space to advise, help and serve others to listen to the voice on the inside of them…

The Road Is Narrow…

The Road Is Narrow…

Proverb 2:16-18
Wisdom will save you from the adulterous woman,
    from the wayward woman with her seductive words,

who has left the partner of her youth
    and ignored the covenant she made before God.
 
Surely her house leads down to death
    and her paths to the spirits of the dead.

My husband said recently that everything he reads and everything he hears people say is that he will face temptation and he will more likely than not, mess up again. Even though he feels strong, resilient and determined at the moment.

It’s the same for me. Every thing i read and every word I listen to, as friends and family who care for me tell me he will fail again and lapse into his addiction.

So why do i want to reconcile?

  • Because the alternative is not an option for me.
  • Because i cannot give up hope in my husband committing himself to conquering his failings and being honest and truthful for the rest of his life.
  • Because God hasn’t finished with him ~ then neither have I.

The past twelve months have been the worst and the best for both of us.

Almost four weeks have passed since we made our reconciliation official.

In these few short weeks i have missed a huge part of my husbands character. It feels incredibly weird without its presence.

It makes me feel redundant from a long running role i have functioned in and managed with a nervous strain of anxiety.

The Grey One is seemingly gone from his life and therefore, gone from mine too. This feels wonderful, but i feel his loss in such a way that life is uncluttered without rubbish. The days are lighter and brighter and unusually whole.

Not one secret has sabotaged us and the weight of a hidden identity is no longer carried underneath the surface of an outward apparel.

All kinds of explanations and questions run through my head as they have in the past when change has been promised.

In the past i knew the changes were fragile and were more of a wish than a want for change.

I do still question and will for a period of time i am certain. 

  • Has he learned new behaviours to keep the Grey One from my sights?
  • Is he practicing virtual loyalty rather than practicing actual loyalty?
  • Lies have been an integral defence in his life ~ Have they gone? Or are they only sleeping?
  • Is he dissacociating?

There will be no room for lies and secrets of the Grey One’s behaviours in my life again.

I have changed ~

I do not have a secret compartment now ~

except for good secrets of course.

I have limitless access to all his devises and if he calls me to look at something on his computer screen, as usual i still scan the top line to see what windows are open. Nothing alarming has appeared ~ So far so good.

A friend of my parents who i don’t know very well recently told me he had a dream about my husband and me…

He (my husband) was sitting in a green field, blooming with colour from a meadow of beautiful flowers. A lake was in front him and a boat moored on his side of the lake.

He was looking across to the other side of the waters and the grass looked green and inviting. He got into the boat and sailed to the other side.

Then in the dream he was sat looking from the opposite side at what he had left behind and saw that it was far more beautiful and valuable. He wanted to go back because he knew that was where he really wanted to be.

When he got to the waters edge the boat had drifted away ~ back to the other side.

There is no way back he remorses to himself with regret that he had left.

The I got in the boat and sailed to the other side to bring him home.

well there it is…

I pray the boat has gone ~ and the lake has got wilder, wider and deeper ~ impassable…