Proverbs 19:11
The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger.

It is his glory to overlook an offence.

The opportunity to be offended can be a daily occurrence, unless we learn how to handle them. Amazingly, as we practice positive and healthy reactions to offences, they occur less often.

We cannot do anything about the judgments and reactions of others towards us.
It isn’t actually my business what others think or say about me. I am not responsible or accountable for anything that is said of me by others.

None of us like to be judged ~ BUT ~ there is a big difference between being judged and someone simply making a personal judgement.

We cannot avoid making judgments. We make them every day about what someone says or the actions they take, without even calculating the effect of our judgment. Most of us in that moment decide what we think or feel then carry on with our day and forget the moment immediately.

The danger of becoming judge and jury depends on how we continue to process the conclusions we come to, then become judgmental, by categorising a persons character and motives, based on our presupposed and possibly biased judgments.

For us to know the undiluted incentive and purpose behind another’s words and actions we would have to get inside their head and heart and walk a lifetime in their shoes ~ which is impossible.

All we have to make our own evaluations on an issue, is the filter of our own experiences.  It’s at this point that our opinion can become polluted and judgmental. Even when we know a person really well, we only know of them what they want us to know.

There are countless men and women who have suffered terribly throughout their lives, carrying the stigma of historical abuse, domestic violence, mental illness and so much more. And no-one ~ ever ~ knew.

This impacts monumentally on their judgements and reactions toward others.

The colour of the thread of all they endured is woven through their entire lives and throbs within them like a contorted tendon that no one can see or comprehend. The fact that they have sustained life at all is admirable.

If we fail to understand that we can never know a person completely, with all their unique complexities and and entanglements, we will make misunderstood judgements and hold undeserved prejudices, predictions and presumptions, which in some issues say more about us than the person we judge.

In many cases it is crucial to make a judgement on how a person presents at face value. When looking for a childminder to care for our children or a carer for an elderly relative, to name just two critical situations. Though this is not the subject of this blog, i feel i should qualify.

It is the “sometimes i just cannot help it” kind of judgements we all fall into ~ Our humanity is easily aroused. I have heard them, concurred with them and even worse ~ yes i admit pronounced them myself.

~ It is what we do with judgements that may not be ok.

Words and actions don’t automatically reflect what is in our heart. We learn to compensate for our painful reality.

Just as we would if we had a limping leg, we use our healthy leg more.

Emotionally most of us present ourselves as healthy and keep our limp hidden, for no one to see.

Sometimes, not always, there are three truths when words are spoken and deeds are actioned.

1. What was actually said and done.

2. The perceptions that motivated what was said and done.

3. Our personal perception of what we heard and saw.

Why? Because my thread is a different colour to your thread, you cannot see my thread, i cannot see your thread. The knots, twists and turns and frayed edges of my thread are in a different place to yours.

We don’t even know ourselves entirely, because the needle and thread begins its masterpiece in our infancy, even before we are born.

My husband and i were in someones else car many years ago. I saw a condom in the door pocket. The car belonged to a married man.

Due to the effect that my husbands behaviour had impacted on me, i immediately suspected the car owner was being unfaithful to his wife. It was more than probable that there was a moral explanation, but my default was set to suspect an immoral conclusion.

i don’t speak as though i am on trial for my words, I just speak. We are all on trial ~ but not to each other, generally.

One day, every one of us will be called to give an account of every glib word we have spoken and every action we have taken.

But I tell you, on the day of judgment people will have to give an account for every careless or useless word they speak. Matthew 12:36 Amplified Bible

Once words are out of our mouth they are no longer ours.

They will be interpreted and judged in many different ways by our listeners.

When our torments are combined with other people torments, we may find empathy, warmth and mutual appreciation, even when the scars that nag and pull relentlessly are not mentioned.

This is recognised as friendship

When they combine with some others, they may collide with a combustion of anxiety, confusion and inward strife.

A personality clash, this is called.

There have been many comments over the years that might have offended me or negatively nested in me. Their motive may have been completely pure and loving with my best interest and well being at heart. Or their reaction may have spilled over from the pain and disappointment they are carrying from personal life experiences.

I don’t think many people wake up in the morning and decide they want to offend someone today.

This is why is it important to manage possible offence healthily.

We can decide… Are we Teflon coated? To protect our hearts, emotions and mind. So that the residue of last nights offence will simply wash of us. Or are we coated with Velcro? so all the offences will build up then eventually even what is kind and pure will become contaminated by all those layers of burned on flecks and stains of previous vocal and physical exploitations.

This will leave us feeling threatened, defensive and insecure with a greater potential to carry more offences.

Recently I have become aware of some Velcro coating and I have residue.

I need to be ruthless with the soap and water and scourer.

Maybe like me, you too need to soak for a while.

Are you unsure? We don’t notice the stains from the build up of offences on ourselves. We see it on others but may not notice the gradual build up on our own lives. Ask yourself some questions on the subject and be willing to listen to your consience.

On the subject of threads weaving through our lives, there is another thread that began before we were born. Printed on a our spiritual DNA

it began in everyone who ever they are or were.

It goes like this…

 

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