Author: e.carol

Who Are You…

Who Are You…

The only version of you

is your version of you 

 the best or the worst

it’s the one there is…

One life we’re all given.

There are no second chances where we can tear up the years that have passed and begin again.

Every day we have the opportunity to make that day count ~ to be a day to remember.

There is no other YOU. All your past and present experiences ~ both painful and pleasurable have shaped you into the person you are now.

Your filter is unique to you, how you view life and others and process every circumstance, situation and experience ~ how we act, react, think and speak.

No one can ever make a clear decision for you. No one else can decide what will make you, you.

The role of being you is taken ~ you have the job and no one can do it for you, either better or worse.

Listen if you will ~ to the advice of those you trust, who influence you and have no ulterior motive ~ even then the choice is yours to make ~ you are resposible.

There is always a bigger picture to consider.

Your choices, decisions and actions may be in one direction for now, but another for the future.

What is best for your future, and the future of those you love is always without question the best decision and or action to take…

Because the future always comes, with or without you.

Your legacy lives on ~ good or bad ~ honouring or dishonering ~  Your story, your love, your selflessness, your choices, achievements, disappointments and failings continue for genreations.

Yes it matters, because when you’re no longer alive, when the future becomes the present for your children and grandchildren ~ your choice ~ today ~ REALLY MATTERS.



Bubbles Burst?

Bubbles Burst?

Imagine taking the time and tranquility to run a bath of water to the perfect temperature, hot enough but not scalding.

You add your expensive oils and bubbles invested in for the finest skin care and aroma to soak in. They will wash away all the dirt from your body knowing that following a long relaxing soak you will feel clean fresh and smelling wonderful. While allowing all the stresses worries and cares to float away from off of your shoulders.

Then just before you get in you give the water a stir to test the heat and your hand gets caught in the chain and the plug is pulled.

You grapple around unable to see clearly because of the bubbles and the cloudy water they created, trying desperately to get the plug back in the plughole. All attempts fail and the water is disappearing rapidly down the drain.

Until all that is left are the bubbles.

Though the water is all gone in what seems the blink of an eye the bubbles will take a long time to pop. The bubbles may look lovely as they reflect the light and present many colours, but they only epitomize what is gone, and they, eventually will burst and be gone too.

Yes you can run another bath in time when the water heater restores the possibility to do so.

But that will be a new bath, and will take time to rerun.

The other is gone ~ down the drain, plummeting with haste through underground pipes then out into the open waters.

Those elements of water will never exist together again.

There are many varied unplanned and unprepared for catastrophes that will pull the plug on life.

A car crash, illness, theft, assaults, redundancy, medical or other mistakes or negligence may occur. Along with infidelity, relational breakdown and death, they all have the potential to be life changing to an overwhelming level.

Three years have passed since the plug was pulled out of my life. For a year I grappled to get the plug back in so that my entire life didn’t circle down the drain.

There were the confusing meddling cloudy contaminated bitter sweet waters that were unrelenting in their vague mystifying bewilderment, blurring and complicating all efforts to save and salvage the dregs of a precious relationship that had taken years to cultivate and get as good as possible.

Weeds and nettles, thorns and briars as well as the plumes and scents of buds, blossoms and blooms.

Down the drain it all went…

Why am I writing about this now after three years?

Because I am three years ahead of someone who may just have had the plug pulled.

Or two years forward from somebody who’s life in some form has just gone down the drain.

I’m inspired to reach out to help encourage empower and enable others toward hope and faith, strength and resilience.

My last bubble is ready to burst, and i am ready.

I have been living in a bubble since summer 2015.

Many have burst, but there has always been another to draw me in.

I may be in my last one or maybe my last but one, I have no fear, I am ready for the real world and a real life however it may materialise.

Recently I said to friends that I have been living in a bubble of unreality and I don’t have a tangible life yet.

Very kindly and without judgement they replied:

That’s how it looks from outside your bubble.

Though bubbles are real, and you can see the future through them, they are not the future, they’re not meant for permanence. They’re transitional, the space between what was and what is next.

But they are delicate, precious, protective and provisional while they exist.

What are bubbles?

Bubbles are compartments of soapy water that are full of air. When soap and water are combined and air is wafted into the combination, the soap produces a thin coating that traps air inside it, forming a bubble.

What a wonderful picture of our creator Gods shield and shelter in a time of trauma and life change.

With air in the bubble we can breathe, where there is breath we have life, where there is life we have hope and where there is hope…

…we have the joyful expectation of good.

Then joy gives way to strength and with strength comes healing and purpose, opportunity and promise.

I want to introduce you to my bubbles.

First, the bubble shock. As in an electric shock, there is a debilitation and feeling of being out of control as the body shakes. The tremors of despair and trauma are numbing. I was able to function without falling apart, because the body has its way of protecting itself with almost a formidable strength that is quite difficult to understand unless you are that person. I talked myself out of that bubble within several months.

Then there was the bubble denial. I refused to let my husband go, even when friends and family so loyally wanted to pop that one for me. I was not willing to face the unpleasant facts and acknowledge the truth that separation means separate directions. That bubble didn’t burst until a few short months ago.

Regret, that one would entice me in every now and then. I would begin to think of what I could have and should have done differently, even in our last few months together.

Anger, I visited that one several times, often vented when I was with my husband. I would express my anger with a text or email that would light my fire of frustration for his stupidity and recklessness. And her, she was the focus of so much anger, which got ugly at times. I don’t really care much on the matter of her anymore, apart from being sorry for her. I have made other judgements but they’re not for airing now.

Diversion, This was a big bubble and I loved being inside the membrane of distraction. Thankfully I am creative and never tire of projects to design. I work with driftwood, pebbles and wool. It has been a delight that many of my designs have actually sold. There is a page on my website where my work can be browsed and purchased.  Elaine Johnston Designs.

Friendships. Though my friends will always be there, and not burst, there has been intensity in the strength and support I have absorbed from them. I love and appreciate friends who have patiently been there when I needed them. I have spent weeks on the road travelling from town to town drawing from their love and care.

Then there’s acceptance, which is the one I am in now. It should be the most painful, but in reality, it is the most liberating. This covering allows me to contemplate my future. Honestly, I never imagined being ready for this. Amazingly I am excited about what’s ahead and am looking forward to finding my own home in the New Year and where that will be. Previously I have struggled to think about where home will be as in the past an opportunity or purpose has determined where I have lived. Now I am at peace in my head about where I plan to settle for the next chapter of my life.

Thank you God for bubbles, in them you have protected me from fear and worry, as I have never felt unsafe or unloved or forgotten.

Look forward to the promise troubled friends; in the meantime remain in the bubble. They will burst when it’s time. Where a person may want to pop it prematurely for you, smile and move out of the way.

I have it on reliable divine authority that everything will be ok, more than ok.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 He (God) has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart…

Psalm 18:30 As for God His way is perfect.



Dear Friends,

I would like to take an opportunity to converse following the release of Reverend Grey.
From the outset I was prepared for the many varied reactions and responses, thoughts and feelings from family, friends and others whom I don’t know.
I appreciate and accept everyone’s entitlement to react, approve or disapprove, according to how they are affected and influenced by Reverend Grey, regardless of having read it or not.
Each persons opinion and conjecture is theirs to hold from where, who or whatever source it is based on ~ I 100% respect that.
However I would like to acknowledge personally the responses that I have been made aware of and I am sure their are many more to come. I accept and welcome them all.

Briefly, I need to confirm there have been many, mainly private, encouraging and positive responses and comments for which I am deeply grateful.

There has also been opportunities to listen to the troubled and broken ones who are suffering as I was.

I am profoundly humbled that wives have felt safe and confident in my discretion, to speak to me.

Also in a few sensitive words, and for the love, concern and appreciation I have for my fellow men. If 42% of Christian men in the U.K. admitted in a private poll to having an addiction to porn, in any group of 10 Christian men, potentially, at least 4 are addicted.
For this reason I can totally understand why men will want to keep this subject silent and buried, as my husband did, because at the moment there is nowhere for them to go.
It is my purpose and hope that Reverend Grey will provide such a place.

Be very very thankful if pornography has not entered your families peripheral sight.

One truth ~ Many perspectives.
A number of people can stand beneath the sun on a cloudless day.

Truth: The sun is shining, there will be shadows.

To one their shadow falls straight ahead, to others the shadow falls to the right or left or half way between. To others there is no shadow in their view because they cannot see it. It’s there behind them. For them to see their shadow they will need to change their perspective. They will need to move, to realign themselves to another reality.

Life casts many shadows in our field of vision, meaning we can become focused only on how and what we see or perceive something to be.

Reverend Grey has cast some shadows that I would like to address with love and warmth to my friends.


“It’s too soon, she should have waited until they’re both sorted” 

Valid point. I may have advised another person the same way. I chatted to a couple of friends about this also with my husband and family, offering my reason for releasing the book whilst still in the aftermath of exposure.

Many autobiographies have been written about painful and life altering catastrophes years after the event, when the pain had subsided.

Many subjects and situations would require the wisdom of this without question.

I genuinely wanted to write from the centre and source of our all consuming suffering, I felt it was important to our specific experience to convey the consequences of secret sins and the sequence of events that followed in real time, rather than in an historic account.

Realising it would make it tough for the readers who know us well and possibly cause unintentional opportunities for offence to be taken.

Which I honestly do not revel in.

My objective was to create the biggest, noisiest and bloodiest impact in my effort to warn against and ward off temptations to the sinister practice of sexual internet indiscretions.

Plus. When will I be sorted? If ever on this earth?

“She’s cashing in on her pain”

This was a hard one to swallow… Gulp! It’s down and out through the system now. Cynical and sceptical perspectives are not beyond anyone of us and I accept I positioned myself for such. I cannot prove to or convince anyone of my hearts motivations ~ it is futile to try should this be anyone’s perspective. I counted it crucial to my relationship with God, my husband and family, to continually examine my motives throughout the process. I could not live with peace and joy in my heart if in my conscience it was about ‘cashing in’?

“If I was a member of her church I would feel angry with her”
“I trusted her, she shouldn’t have remained silent”

I understand, I am sorry for the contribution I made to deceive.

“It’s gossip

This was quite offensive, but it’s ok, I’m not offended.

Not only could this comment have offended me, but also all who have contributed to Reverend Grey, by insinuating they have all endorsed gossip.

I know that they all searched their hearts and asked me questions and the publishers submitted an early manuscript to friends and colleagues who they trusted for their opinion.

The biblical definitions of gossip are:
Slander ~ spinning lies to cause damage. Or adding one’s own ‘spin’ to a truth to alter its emphasis.
Rumour ~ passing on information that is not confirmed as true.
Backbiting ~ words that speak spitefully against a person who is not present to defend themselves.
Not~Really~Joking Jokes ~ When joking is undermining and harmful to the character of another.
Planting seeds ~ words spoken in such a way that provokes negative assumptions about a persons character.
Whispered Innuendo ~ subtle insinuations that intend to mislead.
Got~All~This~Wrong Gossip ~ admitting it’s untrue but spread it anyway as some part of it may be true.

None of the above can be found in Reverend Grey. Should someone view Reverend Grey from the perspective of gossip, you will more than likely justify it in the
Dishing The Dirt‘ definition. Though I have not detailed any dirt, I have for a specific purpose written clearly the areas and circumstances of where our difficulties were and where my husbands sins lay. All with my husbands complete consent following reading the full unedited manuscript and the final proof, as he also does not want another marriage to suffer from the same sins as ours have.

“What legacy will this leave for your future generations

The legacy is assigned due to the exposure of my husbands lifestyle and my silence.

Families pass all the good and bad history from generation to generation. Some members of a family may choose to keep the bad stuff to themselves, while others will pass it on. Questions will be asked due to sudden changes in the photograph album or someone disappears from history, why relationships changed on social media.

It would be impossible to protect our future Great and Great Great Grandchildren from the reasons of our demise.

We can all relate to a name that is mentioned from the past, and what legacy they left behind.
It was of primary importance for me to turn my personal legacy around by writing Reverend Grey.

To speak out about what is a very difficult subject, that may have made me unpopular with some. By tipping silence on its head and voicing the horrors of secret internet addictions ~

That are prolific in today’s culture.

Silence does not make them disappear, silence feeds, stimulates and increases these addictions.

My husband has the choice to do the same in his own way, I believe he will one day.

My hope is that Reverend Grey penetrates the core of individuals sexual internet addictions, in so doing will save marriages and families, save careers,
callings and missions.

Save a father, a mother, a husband, a wife, daughter, brother or child.

Perhaps not in my lifetime… Even so…

This hope will be my legacy.

With love,


To all my Followers and Visitors…

Thank you so much for all the interest shown on this blog from all over the world. I sincerely hope it has been a help to many. When i began writing i did not have the consent from my husband. In respect of him i used a Penn Name to protect our identity.

Last Friday i launched Reverend Grey as a book, with my husbands consent i have written it in my own name. We did not feel that in the light of our secrets now exposed, we could publicise our story in the dark.

Reverend Grey is available from my website and Amazon. I will continue to blog and publish our lives forward in authenticity and honesty via and the Born of Fire Media Facebook page.

If you would like to contact me, please do so through the Contact page on the website or through

May blessings and goodness overtake you,

Elaine x