Didn’t I Say ~ Move Out Of The Way?

Didn’t I Say ~ Move Out Of The Way?

God saw every sin

an open book to him

i poured out my tears

in anguish and prayers

his answer ~ always love

in him did hope not move

I am not usually so self-absorbed, but this last year has been one big fat drama blown up within proportion to its demands.

We need to take our divided paths through the valley of doubts and climb back up to find a new landscape that will bring closure to suspicions and deceptions.

We need to rediscover ourselves in our own time.

We both have to face our failings, travel through the tunnel of an uncertain outcome and come through the other side before we can fully know if our future will lead us back together or not.

There was not a single cross word between us while we prepared for separation. We were not talking about the details of our situation so much. It was incredibly difficult for my husband to watch us dismantle our home and marriage, due to his infidelity.

I was intentional about my attitude as knowing my husband and the Grey One as I did it would have made things far easier if I was hostile. I didn’t want to be hostile at all during our final days together. I wanted them to be remembered as a peaceful and positive process. That is how I felt ~ peaceful and positive.

My story is extreme, and I still only know that because of the expressions of shock on the faces of my family and friends, as they hear me unveil another layer of the depth of addictive and promiscuous behaviour to which my husband declined.

I wasn’t aware of how spoiled my mind had become. It was friends and family who recognised my inability to see how wrong things were, due to my blind loyalties towards Reverend Grey.

I will need help to unwrap the layers of impairment, and then to erase the stain and contamination my mind has been programmed to accept as normal. I will need to reboot my sensory receptors to achieve a correct perception and understanding to what a marriage relationship should truly reflect if I am ever to be able to trust again.

I am who I am because of the unconventional fashion of my marriage. I now know that I can and will recover mentally and emotionally.

Over the years I have normalised my husbands addiction and become desensitised to the impact it has made.

I do not respond, as I ought to the degree of emotional violence it caused.

My husband didn’t master control in the early days to separate from the Grey One’s influence when pornography came to seduce. She knew the Reverends deepest and darkest want. She knew how to stroke his ego until he could not resist her lure. She did not stop enticing until she had stripped reputation, dignity and hope.

Then the fool was duped into paying the bill of consequence.

A high-end price tag of designer disbursement and the currency was his wife, family, many fond friends and two very successful careers.

I feel sad that for now my husband is completely dominated by the giant he is foolishly aligned with, and cannot say no to. I should feel humiliated and degraded, yet I feel I am rescued from the final outcome of a neglected sea vessel wrecked by a turbulent and raging storm. I was bailed out, overboard and I am safe, wounded but recovering, while my husband is stuck to the wreckage and is still going down with the ship.

To print our thirty-four year history is worth every word if it can prevent such extreme recklessness that exists to steal the soul from the core of other families.

Someone needs to break out of the silence and unmask the ultimate depravity uncontrollable lust will crave!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was good to be back in the town I have called home for many years.

I had a few days with my daughter and her family, and then we were away together at the annual Festival, where a year before Reverend Grey’s morals were exposed.

What a fabulous week it was back in the bubble of love, care and affection from many wonderful people.

Spiritually it was a remarkable time for me – but that is another story!

One of my brothers in law asked me what was the worst thing my husband has ever done. There are a few worst things that have affected me in different ways.

I chose not to say what they were. But they did involve her crossing the threshold of our family home.

My marriage that was consecrated at the alter, was desecrated.

It was my hope that we could be a positive example by the way we handled the shameful and humiliating exposure. That as a whole family we would stand united to defeat the assailant of my husbands public demise.

We still can, it’s not too late for my husband to beat the Grey One into nonexistence.

The family and I are rebuilding together estranged from him for now.

This will not be the end of my story!

I am on an assault against everything that facilitates deception and betrayal within an intimate relationship such as marriage.

I know that deceit and betrayal go hand in hand with humanity, affairs will continue, relationships will end, pain won’t stop.

My argument is with those who both encourage and facilitate lies, betrayals and deceptions. And those who carelessly target married people to satisfy their need for sexual porn style significance through the secrecy of the Internet.

The details of the Grey One’s betrayals left me sick in my stomach.

To see emotional investment in her was cruel. Must he please her to the degree of agony he causes?

 What he cannot see for now is the squalid ambience of mystique that plots to underhandedly influence the atmosphere to achieve its sinister design.

For now he is so morally corrupt he is blind to the depth of degradation he has blindly succumbed to that he will believe his life is manageable. He will be clean and shaved; he will smile in the right places and be funny at times. His flat will be spotless, tidy and well managed with no one to answer to ~ Yet!

Until the day his conscience invades his lonely-hearts door and penetrates through the lies he mistook for truth. The darkness he mistook for light and the lecherousness he mistook for love.

It is my prayer that pure love will devise a way and the means to cast a warmth that will draw him like a moth to a flame, to melt the icy precipitation of his own cold demise so it will drain from his feet.

The sponsored talk-a-thon had begun, this was how it worked.

I was clearing out the trash ~ The whole grubby lot of it.

I was able to go over and over again the details of my real life drama, with lovely family and friends. Every time I arrived at a different home I took a deep breath and relished the opportunity of going over it all again.

Thank you Friends and family ~ you know who you are…

Psalm 34:17&18 The Message

Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,
ready to rescue you.

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.

Master Plan

Master Plan

When Grey could no longer hide

your vow broke in two

torn from your bride

blinded by shame were you ~

when will you see

what you have done to me.

Our circumstances do not sound like we slipped into separation. The plans were calculated and planned for some weeks or months. I am guessing, based on knowing my husband well, he went along with her agenda to please her. Sadly she would have believed he was equally committed.

Three months to the day after I left that is how my husband explained our folly to me. That we slipped into a separation.

I put it to him that we did not slip into anything. It is impossible to equate flat hunting, followed by agreeing a contract, with such an unpredictable outcome of regrettable and consequential proportions, and call it a slip into.

He replied that he was swept along by the agenda and persuasion of another.

That is the Grey One, a chronic people pleaser, who runs with the moment, whatever the moment is at the time and whoever is the influence in those moments.

Of course he cannot say the word no! He must please.

This time it was the Grey One and she not my husband and me.

 He is a chronic people pleaser at the cost of his beliefs; values and his most precious loved ones.

I have just spoken to my husband on the phone for half an hour.

His recollection of our separation has become somewhat grey around the edges. Not only had we slipped into the way things are, but that I was resigned to the separation for a month before it happened.

How does he change the goal posts in the process of events to make the circumstances favour his position?

I was never resigned. That is a huge misrepresentation of my position. The Grey One said he was going to leave me and move in with her. That statement gave me no other option than to walk away from the toxic environment of the Grey One’s painful intentions.

It frustrates me that he allows her to influence his mind. He goes with the tide, open to the power of tempting suggestions, and I should know that as well as anyone. He doesn’t make things happen, he allows things to happen.

It is primal to my understanding of our fallible development, that it takes faith and courage to be free from the underlying mindsets and belief systems that are environmentally forced upon us in our infancy.

They may be drowned out by the noise of the exciting and exhilarating experiences of youth and young adulthood. But when troublesome days encroach they will be aroused, and demand exclusive rights to the soul they shaped.

No one will know the painful effects of pornography, if we allow it to

Remain behind the password that cannot be seen or heard. 

Whether mental and emotional pain was intentional or not it has its effect on our development. Like the uniqueness of the design of our fingerprints is the unparalleled way pain will define us one from the other, irrespective of the level of pain experienced.

 Then when the age of sexualisation is awakened, it will be the sought for piece, chiselled to fit the void unhealed wounds created.

It has become inherent to ignore and suppress mental or emotional damage committed against us. Unlike physical pain, unseen hurt goes unnoticed unless awareness is raised how to recognise it.

Just as vultures hover over the bleeding and dying, ready to satisfy itself on flesh that once represented life and status, pornography and all its weaponry will arouse to satisfy her lust from the fragile, damaged and wounded soul.

It remains by no means an excuse, to be tolerated by remaining weak against the demands of the child within, and ignore mature adult responsibility for thoughts, choices and actions taken ~

when our history seeks out the present, with a plan to commandeer the future.

We have to be intentional to break free from our past. We must access professional counselling, and all the prayer and support we need, to master the skeletons in our closet. Especially if your skeletons are secrets unseen by anyone else. We cannot do this alone, we need help.

Do not allow what is thought of as a minor issue, become so large a consequence of neglect that in later life wrecks relationships and families.

If this is you? Do yourself and those who love you a favour and get help, pick up your phone and call someone now.

You will not want to do it, so there is no point waiting until you do. Nothing will change for the better; there is no status quo. Your situation will continue to worsen.

Don’t wait until terrible circumstances force you of the road and out of action.

~~~~~~~~~

As i am writing about our marriage, we are currently apart. I know he loves me and misses me very much, as I do him. But his actions brought about circumstances that he couldn’t control and those circumstances rescued me.

I believe in my despair I fell into the master plan of my loving and perfect heavenly father that day. I truly did not process a single thought regarding my personal outcome. My matter of fact announcement to leave first and be free of the noise was a script that had been written in the heavens. All I had to do was step into cast.

 Loving heavenly father, I pray for those who need a plan of rescue now, that you will write their lines and when the moment comes they will know exactly what to say and what to do.

 Amen.

Lyrics from Above The Noise ~ McFly

On the mystery of a love
That always finds itself in me
On the beauty of desire
That keeps calling me to deep
I’ve seen a lot of places
I’ve been to me and back
Every time I take that trip
I always over pack
I bring the dreams that charmed me
One’s that owned my past
Why do I hold so tight the
Things that never last
I want a heart that hears you whisper
I want these eyes to see your plans
I want a soul that holds to something
That’s beyond these human hands
I want the feeling of your presence
I want to love to hear your voice
I want to live above the noise

Ghost Train

Ghost Train

 

The skeletons can no more hide,

Had we made it to the end of the ride.

Then up from the floor bursts the biggest scare of all.

Kindness! My new coping strategy.

I was done with the stress of conflict. It didn’t help anyone. I was done with passivity, that didn’t make any difference either. I made up my mind from then I would kill my husband with kindness.

Meltdowns and hostility played into the Grey One’s hands, as he found it easier to meet me head on with the offensive.

I felt the tension to keep the Grey One hidden while I was benevolent from my heart.

I meant every word when I told him, he lights up my life when I see his face approaching when I picked him up in the evening. How it was my favourite time of the day when he messaged to say he was on his way home. That I was happy to wake up beside him every morning with a hug. There were many more ways I could genuinely show my love and appreciation to him. I meant every word.

I intentionally began to hug him for longer, he would pull away after a couple of seconds, but I would pull him in for more, I practiced this with purpose, to love our marriage back to health.

Everything within a marriage covenant that is so easily taken for granted and it should be, I expressed my genuine love and appreciation for.

I embraced the next few months; there were no arguments, no conflict or division between us.

Thursday 28th July 2016 was our date night, my stomach rolls when I think back to this date. A table was booked at a favourite Indian restaurant.

It was a wonderful evening, we chatted together as we ate.

We talked about our retirement. We laughed together too, silly things that no one else would find funny.

The night ended beautifully, this was the last time we were intimate.

As the lights went out on our date for us to go to sleep, little did I know the lights also went out on my marriage, which at the time, was

34 years 15 weeks and 4 days.

It was Friday ~ it began as usual, it was a beautiful sunny day, and I dropped my husband off at the station at six fifteen am.

I was meeting a friend for lunch at twelve midday. So I set my alarm and went back to sleep.

There was post on the mat, two or three letters.

Deep abandonment aroused from its dormancy when I read the envelope that had lay on the door mat for most of the morning.

The letter was addressed to my husband and her. In black ink on a white envelope were his name and her name, then our address.

What was I about to find out from this post?

There was not a doubt that I should open it, I had no idea what to expect.

I was not prepared for the biggest horror of my married life.

Dear Mr Grey and Ms her, I am writing to confirm that your offer on a one bedroom flat has been accepted. The keys will be available for you to collect on Friday 12th August 2016, when you come into the office to sign the contract, please bring with you your passports and a utility bill.

It continued to address the financial expectations from them plus all other necessary details when renting a property.

I was propelled into a tailspin,

as an aeroplane that is rapidly spiralling out of control descending into a crash landing.

I was in denial to all the implications. I couldn’t think past this moment.

I felt, as nothing made sense. Time hung there, swinging in the chill of slow motion balance between confusion and disbelief.

I was on the outside of my life, looking on in absolute dismay.

As if in a terrible dream I couldn’t wake up from.

I phoned my husband. Without any small talk I began to read the letter to him.

Oh dear, was his response.

He said he would phone me back when he was alone.

I couldn’t stay in the house, I had to drive away, and find space and fresh air.

I needed to be where no one could watch me deal with the elephant that landed on my chest. I was seriously eratic! I could not think properly, I felt empty of reason.

I was sitting on a bench that was situated on the edge of a lawn in a village square about five miles away from where we lived.

He confirmed that he and her had been looking for a flat and that he was going to tell me next week that he was leaving me and they were moving in together and that he was sorry.

I wasn’t angry, I was shocked and numb, but calm. We rang off saying we can talk later.

In the space of an hour my husband had time to work out, with her help no doubt, another face to face crisis between his dual personalities and the impossible task of pleasing both worlds. To devise an explanation of yet another exposure. this was his worst attempt of fake honesty

I didn’t believe for a moment that was the truth around the flat.

The events that unfolded over the following few weeks, and now that today I do know the truth and circumstances surrounding the property, my initial disbelief is confirmed. 

I immediately called a friend; there was no answer so I left voicemail. I’m not sure how I was able to do this due to all the years I have kept his secrets. I didn’t rationalise the situation or weigh up the pros and cons, I simply left a message on a friend’s mobile telling them the details of what had just happened.

I was only able to work out much later that had I not told someone immediately I might well have weakened with a few hours and begged him not to go through with it.

Then he would most likely have cancelled his interest in the plan…

Which I believe is what he would have expected me to do, as it had been my reaction in the past.

I had rescued us enough times from the brink of total wipe out, why did it not cross my mind this time? I still cannot answer that.

It was as though i had arrived at the end of a long and difficult road.

I was worn, torn and tired.

I have spent years, recovering over and over again from an emotional mess. Making allowances, broadening the path.

This was the last time I would be at the direct mercy of my husbands’ grey identity.

I sincerely and prayerfully hope so…

Fake it ~ Will We Make It…?

Fake it ~ Will We Make It…?

Reckless intention

Destructive plan

Beyond comprehension

 Ache for intervention.

It was Good Friday.

I triggered a volatile switch.

I asked how counselling went two evenings before. He wasn’t at all keen to talk about it, he was defensive. I then reacted to his indifference with emotion, which escalated into a full blown torrent of fury displaying what I had become programmed to recognise as –

If I put pressure on him he will silence me with anger. Silent I was not.

The separating option came up in the heat and emotion, which would only be said when the Grey One is personified in the moment of enmity between him, my husband and me.

I did not want a separation from my husband, but I did not want to live with the Grey One or her anymore. As much as I tried to make it happen I was not to have one without the other.

I parked the subject; and prepared for the day. On the surface there was calm, inside I was churning.

Mid morning my husband suggested we go for coffee at our local garden centre.

This was a helpful move forward.

In the restaurant with our coffees and he talked about his counselling session.

We levelled again.

The Grey One was back into the shadows ~ out of sight until the next time.

I didn’t make any more discoveries of the Grey One’s plans for a few weeks.

We had booked a holiday in the Canary Islands during the spring. We had the best weeks holiday I can remember for a long time. We didn’t have one fall out; neither did I sense anything suspicious. Love, affections and warmth between us was comforting.

Normally when we’re on holiday the Grey One is eager to find Wi-Fi in a local café or bar and we would have to visit the same place every day so he could catch up on line.

It was a holiday habit to download emails and answer anything urgent.

But not on this holiday. He didn’t take his phone or tablet out when we went for a walk or a meal. It was so refreshing to have a break from the anticipation of lurking suspicion.

While we were relaxing in the apartment, I mentioned to my husband that I could live happily in a place like this abroad in our retirement.

We both got carried away with hopes and dreams of our future, somewhere abroad but only a couple of hour’s flight back to England, we both began to dream about the possibilities.

I could actually believe for a future without concern for the Grey One.

The holiday was coming to an end; it was the day to leave, we got packed and ready for the journey home.

We were watching the world go by in the departure lounge as usual. I went for a wander around the shops for a browse to kill some time. As I wandered back I saw him scrolling through his phone. Immediately my fears were triggered. I really wish I had not seen him on his phone, more so I wish he had not been tempted to look at it.

He did and I saw him.

It’s fine. I guessed he was catching up on football results, it was Saturday. In an innocent attempt to calm my suspicious mind I approached him from behind so that I could see his screen.

A red mist came over me as I saw her face over and over again as he scrolled through the messages and photos she had sent him through the week of our holiday.

I was livid. I cannot fully describe in words how I felt in that moment. Sadly to my discredit I think everyone in the departure lounge knew he was having an affair. I was not quiet as I voiced my despair.

I had to cope in the only way I knew how to, so that I could sleep all the way home. I did sleep ~

Truthfully I was unconscious, due consequence of my sedation methods.

I remember very little until the next day. We arrived home at around three thirty am; I woke up around ten am.

We had a quiet Sunday; the atmosphere wasn’t great between us. The Grey One was annoyed with me for my uncontrolled display of emotions and too much alcohol which had caused me to vomit on the flight as well as being completely out of it.

He began browsing the Internet looking at one-bedroom flats. I couldn’t cope that he was visiting the option of separation again.

With all the pain he had put me through, he punishes me for an emotional meltdown because of her invasive seductions and intent to ruin what was a very special and wonderful holiday. He could not see, or was willing to accept where the fault rests.

Did he really expect me to turn a blind eye while the duplicitous characters submit to Delilah’s controlling manipulations under my nose?

This was too much.

How much more is he prepared to lose before he comes to his senses?

His pride is like a fortress built around the corpse of dry bones,

left in the wake of the beast that has ravaged every ounce

of life from him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The weeks rolled forward, sadness was my underlying mental and emotional state.

This was not going to be an easy time for either of us. The Grey One was going forward with his addictions and affair. Him doing so meant he was consistent in his deceitful pretences to his family and close friends. They were all sceptical. They were right to be.

My husband was looking at porn, when he should have been looking at me.

He was sending intimate messages of love and desire to others, when his desire should be for me.

He was forsaking me, while keeping all others, when he should be forsaking all others and keeping himself for me.

Every vow my husband made on our wedding day, he practiced the opposing alternative.

It seemed at times that most things were back to front in our relationship.

At our wedding he would have been more honest to make these vows:

Will you have this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

To live together against Gods ordinance in unholy matrimony

To dishonour her, mistreat her, and ignore her

And forsaking her, keep thee unto another.

 I take thee to be my wedded wife,

To have, but not to hold, from this day forward.

I will dishonour you in the better times, and in the worst times,

I will disrespect you when rich or poor,

I will be disloyal to you in sickness, and in health.

I will humiliate and abandon you,

When we are parted by extra marital affairs.

This is my solemn vow.

These are the promises the Grey One has kept without exception.

I cannot advise anyone in similar circumstances, I gave my marriage every opportunity to survive without the agony of separation.

Our break up was inevitable, but I needed to be ready to accept it.

I chose to fake it until we make it ~ it wasn’t the answer ~ I submitted to the torture of slow and painful torment.

I only hope this scene in our story brings clarity to someone who is walking a similar path

The counsellor went through my husbands’ life, finely dissecting every part. He made the connection between the events around his birth with events at seventeen. He also recognised the polarised compartmentalisation and disassociation disorder.

Easter 2016. It was Good Friday.

I triggered a volatile switch.

I asked how counselling went two evenings ago. He wasn’t at all keen to talk about it, he was defensive. I then reacted to his indifference with emotion, which escalated into a full blown torrent of anger displaying what I had become programmed to recognise as ~

If I put pressure on him he will silence me with his anger. Silent I was not.

Mid morning my husband suggested we go for coffee at our local garden centre.

This was a helpful move forward.

In the restaurant with our coffees and he talked briefly about his counselling session.

We levelled again.

The Grey One had gone back into the shadows he was out of sight for a while.

I didn’t make any more discoveries of the Grey One’s plans for a few weeks.

We had booked a holiday during the spring. We had the best weeks holiday I can remember for a long time. We didn’t have one fall out, neither did I sense anything suspicious.

Normally when we’re on holiday the Grey One is eager to find Wi-Fi in a local café or bar and we would have to visit the same place every day so he could catch up on line.

It was usually a holiday habit to download and check emails and answer anything urgent.

But not on this holiday. He didn’t even take his phone or tablet out when we went for a walk or a meal. It was so refreshing to have a break from the anticipation of suspicion.

While we were relaxing in the apartment, I mentioned to my husband that I could live happily in a place like this abroad in our retirement.

We both got carried away with hopes and dreams of our future together, somewhere abroad but only a couple of hour’s flight back to England, we both began to dream about the possibilities.

I felt at that moment I could actually dream of a future without concern for the Grey One showing up.

The holiday was coming to an end; it was the day to leave, we got packed and ready for the journey home.

We were watching the world go by in the departure lounge as usual. I went for a wander around the shops for a browse to kill some time. As I wandered back I saw him scrolling through his phone.

Immediately my fears were triggered. I really wish I had not seen him on his phone, more so I wish he had not been tempted to look at his phone.

He did and I saw him.

It’s fine. I guessed he was catching up on football results, it is Saturday. In an innocent attempt to calm my suspicious mind I approached him from behind so that I could see his screen.

A red mist came over me as I saw her face over and over again as he scrolled through the messages and photos she had sent him through the week of our holiday. There were reams of them.

I was livid. I cannot fully describe in words how I felt in that moment. Sadly to my discredit I think everyone in the departure lounge knew he was having an affair. I was not quiet as I voiced my despair.

I had to cope in the only way I knew how to, so that I could sleep all the way home. I did sleep, truthfully I was unconscious, due consequence of my sedation methods.

I remember very little until the next day. We arrived home at around three thirty am; I woke up around ten am.

We had a quiet Sunday; the atmosphere wasn’t great between us. The Grey One was annoyed with me for my uncontrolled display of emotions and too much alcohol which had caused me to vomit on the flight as well as being completely out of it.

He began browsing the Internet looking at one-bedroom flats. I couldn’t cope that he was visiting the option of separation again.

With all the pain he had put me through, he punishes me for an emotional meltdown because of her invasive seductions and intent to ruin what was a very special and wonderful holiday. He could not see, or was willing to accept where the fault rests.

Did he really expect me to turn a blind eye while the duplicitous characters submit to Delilah’s controlling manipulations under my nose?

This was too much.

How much more is he prepared to lose before he comes to his senses?

His pride is like a fortress built around the corpse of dry bones

left in the wake of the beasts that have ravaged every ounce

of his life from him.

 

The Thin Blue Line

The Thin Blue Line

The path that leads to demise is the only one you can see,

You’re blindly in the belief that it cannot be.

And as you say ~ what i don’t see isn’t hurting me?

January 2016, she was back, Her.

I could see in his eyes that I had lost him, what had been recovered for those few brief weeks were gone again. I felt as though it was me against the Grey One and her. Every time he went backwards after a break, her grip got stronger.

I was still on his side but have no connection with her. He was and still is my husband. She was and still is in an adulterous affair with him.

I was not ready to let him go. I wanted to save our marriage. My fight was strong to rescue us from break up. In our pastoral role we had heard so many people share their regret of walking away from their marriage because of adultery. I didn’t want to be the one that gave up and walked away from ours.

I vowed for better or worse, there are no guidelines in the vow to what goes beyond worse. If that place existed, I wasn’t there yet. 

I wrote to her following her recent unwelcome presence in my husbands’ life. My husband is no longer available to you I wrote. You and he crossed a gross immoral line. You completely broke down trust in our marriage. As long as you remain in contact, you will be a threat to our family!

Stop your involvement with him and let us recover. Now we have to start all over again because of your recent invasion.

A marriage and a family is a whole unit, you cannot secretly isolate yourself to one member of a marriage and family, it will always bring heartache when you do. In the history of mankind no one has ever had a freebie, payday always comes to the culpable in some form.

It destroys, steels loyalty and breaks trust from within the marriage you tear apart.

He chose us – his family, this means he cannot have any part of the world you exist in any more!

I hope this is my final contact with you. If tomorrow, in a few days, weeks, months or even years I find you have been in touch with my husband I will get in touch with a member of your family to gain their support in helping you to move on and leave him alone.

All my interference did was strengthen their force and cause me to feel more obscure within my marriage. My husband was angry at my meddling, he accused me of being vindictive, and it wasn’t like me.

The tolerant one, blindly trusting in his word, had been the person he was used to me being. He was still attempting to convince me it was all her, that she wouldn’t back off.

I was getting less and less tolerant. My goal posts were narrowing.

January 2016 proved to be a horrid month!

The perpetual grim discoveries of the Grey One’s deceptions were grievous.

We argued because he had changed all his passwords and pass codes on his devises so that I could not access his calendar and emails etc.

Before slamming the door to leave, his parting words resounded with a conviction of final resolve. “I want my life back,” said the Grey One.

I was puzzled! What was the need in the Grey One’s statement?

His unseen control was gone ~

The Grey One was exposed there was nowhere to hide now.

He provoked pains that were all too familiar with an injury he had not inflicted on me before.

I was overwrought at his pretence of making progress in rebuilding our family; all that had been assembled was pseudo trust.

A wall built with bricks and no cement to secure them together will simply tumble down with the first blow.

Trust is the cement that holds a relationship together.

I could not continue in this sadness. I needed a break. I packed a case and drove out of town for a few days to get some space where I could get some clarity in my head.

It felt liberating to be out of such a toxic environment. This was the most empowering action I had taken ever through my entire marriage.

I began to understand for the first time that I couldn’t fight his addictions anymore, unless we were fighting side by side. Head to head conflict would never be the answer.

I was on the outside of my husband’s life.

I had to get out of the way. It was too painful to carry on watching from the outside. I could not hold it together any longer. I was heading in a direction that was going to cause trouble for more people and more family breakdown. He was right, vindictive behaviour isn’t like me.

At that moment I had no more resilience.

If our marriage could only survive by relying on my tolerance, it was all going to fall apart. I had to let it fail.

We met up together a few days later. We chatted generally over a coffee, I waited for him to begin, which he did. He had learned his lines well over the years.

He was right that I needed things to be very different. Which he understood and knew what the big change needed to be. Her.

The Grey One as always was grey in his response to change.

We had an important meeting in a couple of days; he needed me to be there. The day before the meeting he rang me, he gave me his word he would sort himself out.

Of course he didn’t intend to make any changes ~ He needed me home.

I went home.

When I arrived we had a long heart to heart about the condition of our marriage. We were both defensive but at peace.

We went to bed, the reunion became intimate and all was well in those moments.

I was willing and committed to giving him a chance to prove me wrong.

I wouldn’t desert him yet.

If the Grey One ever gives me no other option but to leave him again, I would not come back a second time. I would not take that decision lightly. Having left once and felt the freedom of empowerment by doing so.

I knew I could do it again.

Photo Shopped

Photo Shopped

But God hasn’t moved to the mountains;
    His Holy address hasn’t changed.
He’s in charge, as always, his eyes
    taking everything in, his eyelids
Unblinking, examining the unruly brood
    inside and out, not missing a thing.

He tests the good and the bad alike;
    if anyone cheats, God’s outraged.

God’s business is putting things right;
    he loves getting the lines straight,
Setting us straight. Once we’re standing tall,
    we can look him straight in the eye.

Psalm 11:4-7 The Message

 

I still didn’t doubt his love for me. But the duplicity of his personality and immorality was tearing us apart and had been for years.

It was Friday, the last day before the weekend that was going to swallow me into abandoned despair and the unknown of separation. I was unprepared.

I had never lived alone, I grew up in a big noisy family, then grew a big noisy family of our own.

This could be a horrible emotionally charged weekend or a hostile one. My mind was on the edge of either one and I was not in a place to make a choice between the two parallels.

To help us begin the weekend with some structure I booked two tickets to go and see the new James Bond film. It was the right choice as we were able to spend the evening together without talking. Except for my Husband educating me about the model of the Bond car!

It was late when we arrived home meaning no time for a long drawn out conversation that may lead to tears and conflict. We had a short warm chat and a drink then off to bed, we were intimate, which surprised me.

I felt cherished.

Saturday morning, he suggested we went for a drive to a farm shop café to chill for an hour.

We sat chatting superficially while waiting for our food to be served.

Then between breaths the silence broke and he began to talk.

What he said took me completely by surprise!

He reached for my hand and began with words I had been longing to hear. My husband had returned! He explained that at some point through the previous week he had turned a corner. He wasn’t sure when it was, a curry night out with some mates, a successful counselling session or seeing family for the first time in weeks, then our night out together at the cinema. Something fell into place.

He continued, saying he felt as though he has been lost at sea without and awe or a life jacket and now he felt hopeful for the first time since the dreadful shaming email exhibit.

He thanked me for standing by him and asked me to forgive him, assuring me he loved the children and me and chose our future and us together.

He cried, I cried, the worst was over, I thought! Sadly the Grey One was not going to give in that easily. My husband continued counselling and changed his mobile number, to stop unwanted contact.

He kept the same email address explaining it was the address that his work contacts used so would prevent him getting business. I had no choice but to accept that, but it did provide a weak entry point for the Grey One.

The next day he emailed his children to let them know his decision.

He wrote… The problems of the last two months are not all resolved yet or likely to be for some time, but he was in a better place personally, and in his relationship with me.

He reiterated his words that he had said to me the day before telling them that something lifted and he felt hope and strength to believe things can be much better for the future.

The deep grief and pessimism he experienced along with a huge urge to be alone appeared to have abated.

He said he was sorry for putting them all through a terrible time the last few weeks and deeply regretted his actions that led to the unmasking of his other self. Which gave ammunition for someone to expose him.

Hopefully he continued, we could all rebuild and continue to be the great family we are despite his deep flaws.

Over the following few weeks we were happier than as you can imagine we had been for a long time. I felt confident I was winning my husbands affections back.

I felt his desire for me return. I saw him looking at me with affection in his eyes, I hadn’t seen that for a long time.

There is something about the way a person looks at the one they love that is very unique. I would know when things were not going well when the affection had gone from his eyes. Affection was replaced by avoidance and distance, shame and guilt, which couldn’t be hidden.

Sadly the grey One still had the upper hand. He wasn’t given the same message as us, therefore he stood his ground. The Grey voice silently mocked with the tone of forboding evil ~

“We have been here before, I’m not going anywhere.”

A year forward, I have recently discovered that soon after his recommitment to us, he was grooming online to meet total strangers for behaviours I can only imagine.

For me to go out in the evening and feel assured my husband would be faithful, I had to know what he intended doing with his time. It was most reassuring for me if he had arranged to be out with a friend who I knew and could confirm he was with him.

Except now he should have been different, as he had very recently recommitted himself to fidelity, I was going out with a group of girl friends to the theatre. I was somewhat anxious because it was the first time my trust was put to the test since his recent change of heart..

He had given me his word he was going to relax and watch television.

About ten minutes before I left, he went to the bathroom… with his phone. This was the silliest thing he could have done, as he knows that raises my fears.

When he came down. I asked to see his phone.

I was apprehensive because I knew there would be Grey intent threatening to ruin my evening.

What a fool! He had texted someone very dubious, it wasn’t her. His face was the expression of a child caught in a lie as I looked at the message. The content of the message didn’t imply a betrayal, but it was still alarming as it wasn’t innocent in its subject.

I don’t ever want to see that look of shame again, or that naughty school boy face!

I went out despite my anxieties. I placed a stick from the garden in front of his car wheels and took photos so that i could check later if he had been out.

The evening was mixed with fear as well a smiles and laughter. The not so ‘perfect life’ mirage covered up the insanity that was going on in my head.

My recent belief in him ebbed, I was losing him again. I didn’t show it, or tell anyone ~ The secret keeper was still alive and well too.

Going out in the evening is something I am free to enjoy now and I am making up for all those lost opportunities to make the most of them.

He would always deny there was anything he needed to admit to but I knew he was guilty because I saw it in his eyes. I could read my husband and the Grey One in an instant, I know him so well.

But for now, I was in the make believe of a fresh start, I was hanging in there. But not naïve.

We were still very close to ruin.

Crimson Trajectory

Crimson Trajectory

Pornographic addictions, a strong dark grip.

Her cause is every part to strip.

She will eat your flesh, and chew your bones, only the splinters will be spit.

Through the pain come out on the other side,

Where there is nothing more to take and nothing more to hide.

It has been quite difficult to go back to the memories of this stage of our story and feel it again. It was Autumn 2016 when this was written. I felt the anger rise in me again after last weeks blog, it took a couple of days to process my way back to where i am now currently, being a much better place.

Reality has gripped me unexpectedly, that I am overwhelmed with grief, abandonment and extreme loss. I am so very cross with him for choosing adultery and lust over his children and me.

He boasts of our wonderful family and friends. They deserve every shout out because they are wonderful and amazing. But his boast is that without him I can run into them and I have. But they cannot replace him. They cannot be there in the middle of the night for a spontaneous hug and reassuring words when I need them. That’s his place. He vowed to be that person for me. He has cheated me, traded me for a dark and shallow alternative.

And how did he come to the blind conclusion that his family are better off without him? Yes I am angry right now.

We vowed to each other our loyalty and commitment for better or worse. It is not okay that he deserts me for another.

Who is she that she thinks it is right to stealth a husband, father and grandfather from the heart of his family? Who is the man that allows this to happen? These feelings will pass, they do and will continue to come and go for the foreseeable future.

At this very moment of writing I am angry and broken that my husband would do this to us.

I fully understand the vast humiliation he unnecessarily suffered and his need to hide away from the spotlight. He should have done that within the safety and love of his family, we all stood by him and loved him beyond his demise.

He was far more than the Reverend to us.

My husband is an intelligent man.

As much as I concur with the effects of his early emotional traumas’

his behaviour is without excuse.

Now that rant is of my chest. I love him. I can’t help it. I have given up trying to force myself to get over him.

As a family our situation grew worse,

Our children had only just found out about the affair. The situation was volatile and in that unresolved atmosphere of hostility, they arrived at our door.

In an instant, the Grey One vapored and their father greeted our children with an effort of normal.

Their response was direct and confrontational as to how, not normal things were.

he remained silent while our children begged him to choose us his family.

To fight for us.

I was appalled to hear one of my children say that we are dysfunctional as a couple and that their father has been abusing me for years.

That shocked me. I never saw it like that.

There were tears and disbelief in who their father was. They had never seen this person before. They didn’t know him or recognise him as dad. Yet another blindsided crash for our family.

The anger in my son was tangible, he shook his head saying,

“I don’t know this man”.

They had never met the Grey One before. 

We understood he had lost so much, his loved career, his reputation, he had been publicly humiliated to an untenable degree. Friendships had changed, even though all our friends were non-judgmental and supportive they now knew information about him in a way that should never have been available in black and white to so many.

Yes he was a different man, he was lost. We his family expected him to run into us, so that we could all recover together.

But instead the Grey One became the dominant identity, that confided in the stranger!

After our children left in anguish, their father said when they were gone.

“They’re great kids.” How could he not say that when they were here?

Father and family would be estranged from one another for many weeks from that night! Things being difficult were an understatement!

The whole family became victims of deplorable choices they had no part in. The choice to satisfy an emotional impoverishment he was abandoned with as an infant. Then as single young adult exploring harmless fun, to fill a void he did not create, or accept existed for a long time.

He got on with working. When he was home, we got on with normal things. We enjoyed similar dramas on TV, also enjoying days out together.

We were far from okay as the ‘elephant in the room’ was always present.

The Grey One was attending counselling which was enlightening regarding the reasons, not excuses for his behaviour.

It must be said my husband never excused his moral flaws. He knew they were wrong and he knew he caused pain, but he was compelled to give in to the Grey One to pornography, elicit sex and now her.

The Grey One continued to find comfort outside of his marriage and family. We talked very little. He felt with family estranged that he might as well move out, that we would all be better off without him.

He began to look for an alternative home. I was not ready for this. I was ok with it, then I wasn’t, but really I wasn’t!

I desperately wanted our marriage to survive and become better than ever.

I was putting up a united front believing we would survive. Never ever in a million years would I have believed it possible for my husband to leave us?

We had to make old age together. After all I had stood beside him and fought for us, it was still my hearts desire to grow old with him.

With the rift between our children and their father growing further apart, the Grey One continued his plan to leave.

What an awful dreadful time that was. I was broken, very broken that the Grey One had totally hijacked my husband. I still loved him very much; neither did I doubt his love for me.

Not only had the Grey One obliterated the Reverend, he was intent on obliterating him as a Husband – Father and Grandfather.

I would check almost every day that his car was where it was supposed to be parked, for my peace of mind.

I was living on high alert always on vigil making sure he was where he was supposed to be.

I was leaning into family and friends and they were very supportive. Even though many of them expected I would walk away, understood my preferred outcome, that our marriage would be strong again.

I was so confused with his obsession with a women he would have nothing in common with, other than their interest on line for the purpose of promiscuity.

Reverend Grey’s recklessness stretched me to the point of fracture, crushing my fragile cerebral bones over and over again.

 Every time I found that he had strayed into websites and or adultery, I refused the option to get help, because I feared the outcome if I let as little as one other person know the secrets in our cellar.

All through our marriage we had challenges to face and difficulties to get past, just as everyone else does. We always faced them, managed them and got through them and survived them. We could have survived this too.

At the moment I will be doing this alone. I would like nothing more than for us both too become able and strong enough to confidentially help and support both singles and couples who have similar struggles.

The Grey One continued to look for a flat, while confiding in her.

He was and still is the man I want to be married to.

The next few weeks were the most unbearable of my entire life…