The feeling is warm and secure, the closeness and caress is comforting to the soul in need of an invisible loss.

In his blindness he did not realise it was the Python strangling life’s breath out of his faith, his marriage and family and his purpose for living.

The Pythons only desire was a selfish instinct to satisfy its own hunger.

May 2015 I found texting conversations that I watched for a week as they exchanged terms of endearment and affection for each other and the use of strong sexual language that described what she wanted him to do to her and of course he said he couldn’t wait. I was distraught, but I still remained silent, except I prayed as I hadn’t prayed before. My prayer was not about the words I used, but the expression of my soul in deep anguish, because I couldn’t take anymore – there was nothing more I could give or do. I was bankrupt of emotional and mental energy – At last!

I wasn’t giving up the fight for my marriage or my husbands affections, but my  weaponry changed. I tucked myself in closely to my warrior King. 

It was at the end of his birthday celebrations that yet more came into light!

We had enjoyed a great weekend and Bank Holiday Monday that had been his birthday. I had also discovered during the previous weeks messaging that had been shared between the Grey One and her. Photos were swapped, descriptive sexual language and lustful desires had been shared between them.

I had kept the discovered text messages  to myself to get passed the weekend and his birthday, because we had family staying with us to celebrate with their father and grandfather. The trap door to the cellar was still securely locked by my silence, and my feet were firmly unmoved from the rug of secrets.

Then, with all the accumulation of pent up anger of the past week, adding to that the arrival on the scene, casting yet another suspicious character, I could not reign in the control of my emotions any longer.

I let him have it! All the venom from the pain in the pit of my stomach, of how I felt about his adulterous lies, just poured out of my mouth. I drank too much wine to dull the reeling pain, and I vomited!

I had at this point thought I would simply run out of the energy to stay strong. The benefit of the doubt is not an option for my tormented mind, I instantly believed the very worst!

It was the worst. I was reduced to torturing despair when it became a certainty, that in his unseen private life, when no one was aware of our difficulties, Reverend Grey was engaged in a full on affair with the woman he is now involved with. Their liaison had lasted for over three years at that time. I found out who she was, her name, where she lived, and her husband and children’s names. I acquired her contact details from a Google search. She is aware I found all this out about her as we shared several messaging and email conversations.

I have many emails, messages and photographs she has sent to the Grey One over recent years, she had used different names and email addresses. Now I knew they were all one person, her.

I visited her home, it was time we met face to face – thankfully she was not there.

On several occasions the Reverend would promise me it’s over, but then after a few weeks I would find out that he hadn’t been honest.

It was all becoming more unmanageable as I could feel the pain hitting the wall of near breakdown at my core.

My silence held me captive in a cell of cruel lies and deceit, which were now capable of gross ruin and destruction.

I was right on the edge of the most debilitating pain possible. I had done all I could do to stop this liaison, the most time they shared phone calls, text messages  and emails, but they, together have violated every moral boundary that exists to protect a marriage and a family.

The guns were ready to open fire. Who would pull the trigger to mark the day I dreaded. The day when the pain would pierce the wall and my marriage would be tested beyond its durability, and to then unravel. Though always believing we will piece back together for the sake of our love, our history and our family.

I needed a glass of wine to mask the pain this had caused again. His response was that if I drank a glass of wine he would go and sleep somewhere else, which of course would make me feel alone and isolated which would cut deeper to wound upon wound.

I told him that his choice would be manipulative and controlling, as have been for many, years!

I understand now that he could not watch me manage my pain openly and destructively. It would force his two personalities to face each other, which must be avoided, they were sworn enemies.

I felt trapped. I was living in the continual torment of lies and deceit, doubt and suspicion. While the Grey One continued his life of greed, lust and selfish calculations.

I was the innocent one, but for me to be free would mean great loss.

I wrote to her.

She wrote back telling me how much she loved the Reverend, actually it’s the Grey one she is infactuated with. She said she provides a distraction from the demands and pressures of his responsibilities and she enables him to be the wonderful man he is!

She cannot have known how grieving and insulting her words were to Holy Spirit and the Reverends family and me.

I wonder how she feels now that she enabled his demise and the breakdown of relationship with his whole family!

Well done for that then! Not so wonderful now!

I mentioned earlier that I had prayed, a short prayer that I had not prayed before. It was a prayer of desperation. I was standing in my bedroom, erratic with anxiety.

I simply said out loud.

“God I cannot take anymore”.

It was one of the most sincere prayers I had ever prayed. Instantly these words ran back through my head in the context of an answer from my gracious heavenly daddy “Move out of the way then”. I said back out loud. “Okay, I am moving out of the way”. Again as I had before, but with a stronger conviction now, I handed our outcome into the will of my Creater God.

Have I really been in the way all these years? Yes I have, I did too good a job of protecting my husband!

This episode passed. The Reverend said he had ended all contact again. Blocked her number from his phone again and eventually we moved on and we had a good summer of what felt as recovery and repair.

For almost three months there was no suspicious behaviour, no discoveries of betrayal. I honestly felt strong, without anxiety or fear. Had my husband at last realised he was walking on very thin ice?

He may have, but the Python lust doesn’t let anyone out of its coils that easily!

Tuesday 25^th August 2015 is a day my family will never be able to forget!

 That day my fight began a transition into a song of praise and worship to the Champion of Champions who has already won the war.

From now He commands the outcome.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out…?

Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life.

I’ll show you how to take a real rest.

Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill fitting on you.

Keep Company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

                                                                                   Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

The poison chalice weighed equally with the sweetness of my unconditional love for the Reverend. His two identities were becoming equal to each other. They had never been so balanced as they were by now.

Consequently – I adapted to the Reverend’s duplicity in the same way our eyes adjust to darkness from light.

In my subconscious mind I provided the Grey One with an ally, he needed a wife with a framework that would defend him and manage his addictions.

 He was unable to watch as I agonised, I was alone in my sorrow.

Now I am all too mindful that I became regulated by faulty precepts in my head, because of the damage to my emotional and mental well being by Reverend Grey. I have only had one marriage, which was extraordinarily exposed to the pollution of porn. I have no idea what a marriage with one hundred per cent trust, without betrayal and secrets looks like or feels like.

I was still his secret keeper. I had no one to talk to except the Reverend who was still under the control of the Grey One and so was I.

What will he have left when he runs out of health, money and time?

We are still four years from national exposure! Life was busy.

I was enjoying my career, learning well, equipping myself in the area of Youth and Children’s development. I was becoming more competent and qualified in contributing my professional expertise in meetings with other professionals and agencies supporting children and young people.

I was confident and fulfilled in my career. Family life was wonderful with grandchildren coming along. Life was full with lots to celebrate. I had many friends as well as a big family to enjoy life with.

The view from the bridge was magnificent.

Sadly, the highs and dreaded lows between Reverend Grey continued.

Suspicions stacked up as they grew more discernible, but without evidence or proof to confront them.

I knew the truth wouldn’t be volunteered from the mouth of the Reverend. I signed up to one of the websites, not with the same intentions of the Grey One, I wanted to see if I could find him.

It didn’t take long to come across his profile. He worked more than one site with varying names.

As ridiculous as it was i began annonomously messaging my husband on an Internet dating site, I got obsessed with watching how far he would go that I kept it going for many weeks.

I had nothing to gain from this bazaar exercise but more distress as I was witnessing in the first person, that my husband was having an on line affair with me without him knowing it was me.

He said I sounded really lovely and he liked me a lot! Of course he did, I was the one he had fallen in love with thirty years before. Why would he not want to fall for me again?

He pursued me for weeks to meet him, but I couldn’t play him as far as that. I cannot imagine what it would have looked like for him to arrive and find it was me waiting for him.

The common thread that ran through all the messages, profiles and status updates of Reverend Grey, that i read, were all about him pleasing others, what he could do for them.

They were never about what he wanted them to do for him, or to him or what he needed from them.

The emphasis and priority was always that he desired to give pleasure not demand it.

I feel so sad that my husband has spent his life attempting to please his way into the arms of the invisible one’s who had to let him slip from theirs.

There were occasions in the Reverends work life, he had the priveledge of spending time with high-ranking Police officers in the county we lived in.

A date was set for an upcoming meeting with the officers.

I was free the day of this meeting, which was set in lovely picturesque surroundings near where we lived.

Those well familiar alarm bells of suspicion were ringing loudly in my head for some reason. Something was amis.

I had some work to do on an assignment so I suggested going with him to work in the car while he was in the meeting then we could go and have lunch together.

Woe!! Suddenly the Reverend became the very aggravated and angry Grey One, who resented me spying on him and not believing that he was genuinely going to a meeting!

Well there was no holding back now. I was going and unless he had good reason, he was not going to stop me, hostile or not! I ignored his malice and kept my cool.

Had he been telling the truth, he wouldn’t have got so angry. He never minded that I would travel with him when everything was truthful and genuine. In fact he appreciated my company.

I knew my intuition was telling me to go with him and was quite amused by the whole event. Surprisingly I was able to smile at times when I witnessed the stupidity and foolishness of the Grey One’s plans, I could see straight through him.

He would deny how clearly I could read him. The Grey One completely disregards female intuition when it’s his behaviour setting off the signals that something wasn’t adding up in my senses.

Female intuition is a strong and mysterious quality, not to be relied upon without actual evidence, but will serve as a prompt that there is something that exists undercover needing to be uncovered.

Two years forward, it was spring 2014; we were on our way home from a five day retreat. I hadn’t checked any messages all day, so on the way home and not much else to do, I downloaded emails.

I saw very quickly an email that caused my heart to miss a beat. From a Colin Churchgoer. I can use that name as no such person exists! His name is not my fabrication to protect an identity, but their own fabricated name to protect them self.

The email subject read: You are a lovely lady, you deserve better.

The short message stated words to the effect. If the Reverend didn’t resign from his position he would send pictures and profiles that he had taken from one of the websites the Grey One used and send them to the papers. Also attached were the photos and the profile status the messenger threatened to disclose.

I replied, telling him how I felt when I received his email. That it carried the impact it  intended. As he was not divulging his true identity, I preferred not to enter into any more dialogue other than this reply.

I continued to say that if he was certain he was correct in his findings, to follow the biblical pattern to deal with it, as directed in Matthew 18:15-17. This way would protect our children from unnecessary humiliation.

My children and I would appreciate this. 

I heard from him once more then the email account was closed. I have more to say to, and about the infamous Colin Churchgoer in my book. Even though his true identity still remains a mystery i believe he will stand accountable one day for his or her unethical and two faced actions against my husband and our family.

I would spend hours mulling things over and over in my head, what to say to the Reverend, following an exposure of the Grey One’s betrayals.

Sometimes I even believed I made things worse and would find myself apologising for doing so. How wickedly misguided and twisted had my mind become.

The cast iron ball of sorrow that weighed heavily in my stomach and longed to be satisfied with love and comfort from the Reverend grew heavier. I began to use alcohol to take the ‘edge off reality’ for the night, evenings were the most difficult. Daytime was fine as I had lots going on to distract my focus.

There were good days. I would feel some hope when he said we would survive this. I needed to hear him say it because alone I always felt I had no hope, so any hope he gave me I would hold on to it.

Underlying anxiety increased. Only the Reverend, I thought, could change that. Sadly he was not the one that turned it all around. We were forced into change by circumstances outside of the Grey One’s and the Reverend’s control.

Our Heavenly Father proved to be my rescuer from our sinking ship.

Let us not be guilty of turning a blind eye,

In denial of how deadly the plague really was.

When it has completely destroyed us!

Generally there would be many clues flagged up in an individual’s character, along with distinct outward signs that a marriage was in difficulty to alert concerns.

Not so with the Reverend, or with our marriage. There were no obvious grounds to justify direct or specific questioning around his private life.

Whenever the subject of pornography came up with friends and colleagues, he would often be the first in with a joke, then the subject didn’t get personal.

The Reverends performance, socially and professionally within his function was never in question.

There are many subtle clues, if aware of where and what to look for, that over time may be recognised to flag up a possible problem with Internet porn obsessions.

No one should want to keep this information quiet. Everyone should want his or her radar tuned to indicate the pollution of a secret pornography and or sex addition, hidden behind passwords on obscure computer or devise screens.

Significant traits will be similar in those who struggle with a secret addiction, obsession or compulsion.

Beware though – The traits need to be recognised as long-term habits alongside others and appear to operate in corresponding situations rather than occasional or one off circumstances.

There may be a completely legitimate issue temporarily causing this behaviour, and allowances need to be made for such. More than two or three of the characteristics need to be regular practice, before any concern should be raised, as singularly they will be familiar to many of us.

In a relationship such as marriage or parent to child or even child to parent, no one should mind when sensitive questions are asked of him or her, when or if a problem is suspected.

Initial responses can be enlightening, though nothing is conclusive without actual evidence. If questions ruffle, or uncharacteristic anger presents itself, avoidance of answering the questions by asking questions back in response. Body language may be uncomfortable or defensive, there may be a cause for concern if these are evident.

Secret addictions are very easy to conceal, especially around Internet pornography, sadly by the time the signs begin to show, the problem is far from the early stages.

I would encourage all parents, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends and even friends to look out for one another’s Internet health care. Mental health is often a key factor in a dependency that leads to an addiction.

As I am not a health care professional I can only relate my experience. Because of my long-term personal experience, it has become instinctive in me to spot certain patterns of behaviour.

I have very strong reference points that I know I can rely on to recognise a problem of sorts exists.

They won’t signal what area the problem is in, how serious it is or how deeply it has affected an individual. Sensitivity is vital, not jumping to conclusions is essential, but it is equally important to raise it and not ignore it. And definitely do not conceal evidence that is uncovered.

Secret addictions are very easy to conceal, especially in the area of Internet pornography. Sadly by the time the signs begin to show, the problem is far from the early stages.

I have to be aware that I’m not being obsessive or compulsive or over sensitive to many familiar triggers. Realising that my default is set to high alert.

You won’t be popular for exposing an addiction, compulsion or fascination to or with someone or something when it is first discovered. But keeping it in the dark, feeds it, feeding it makes it stronger. The more it is exposed to the light through conversation and careful interest, the weaker it will become.

My experience is only in the area of Internet pornography that led to affairs.

There are the obvious signs that most of us are aware of, these have all been my observations for many years. Smart phones raised the bar to crazy levels of obsessive behaviours in my experience.

Mobile phones being constantly on silent and always in the pocket. Even taking it to the bathroom, which is normal for young people these days, but not for a married family man in his middle age. Personal grooming goes up a level in consistency and takes on a cleaner shaven aspect in every way and everywhere on the body.

Computer or devise screens are positioned so they cannot be viewed easily, allowing time to change their activity to emails or a work document when someone passes by.

Internet history is regularly deleted. Passwords and pass codes are withheld and access to all messaging apps are password protected. There would be a long list of the same mobile number bunched together to signal a messaging conversation on paper phone bills.

Compartmentalising is very common in men, not so much in women.

The Reverend was a serious case of compartmentalism. The difference in him was that the compartment where his secrets existed was totally detached from all the other compartments. They should all overlap and relate in some way to each other.

This off the radar part that kept all his secret affairs and pornographic addictions really didn’t exist in his real lifestyle, it wasn’t reality. This we realised through counselling was a symptom of the dissociative disorder enabling him to believe the compartment didn’t exist when he wasn’t pursuing it.

A very clear trait to look for, in someone who is hiding a shameful secret affair or addiction, particularly in strong, influential, charismatic characters. One of who my husband is.

Avoidance, Transference and Distraction.

The three practices above are excellent leadership skills, when managing challenging characters, and also helpful parental skills for training small children.

The secret addiction, or affair, will perpetually use these tactics, which are acceptable attributes recognised in influential personalities. Their subtlety is almost perfectly disguised as a positive form of creative people management.

The Reverend would seize the spotlight in a crowd when uncomfortable subjects were raised, to then equally deter the spotlight. He would do this without even realising.

Covering up our eyes so that we cannot see this grisly bear of a problem does not let us off the hook because somehow we have convinced ourselves that if we don’t see it, therefore it doesn’t exist.

It will take all the Kings forces and the King Himself

to put Humpty Dumpty together again…

 and He will… I am certain.

The unpleasant cycle of discovery confrontation arguing forgiving apologies and moving on, wore me down. It was making no difference at all.

The Reverend was hooked, I didn’t realise at the time that there was at this point no easy way to make things right.

I made a decision to ignore it all. For one year I turned a blind eye. I forgave in advance and left him alone to his immoral choices. I was fed up of the contention.

We are in control of our own choices, good choices and bad choices, but what we cannot control are the circumstances that are consequential to the decisions we make.

One day something will happen that we hadn’t planned for, and takes the control out of our hands and we become victims of our own devising.

There was nothing more I could do. I was desperately sorry we had come to this point. Maybe if I stopped warring with him, he would run out of the energy a double life demands. It was my only option, as otherwise we would be in continual conflict. I certainly didn’t want to live everyday in such a volatile atmosphere.

There is a vast difference between mistakes and wrong choices. It frustrates me when infidelity is called a mistake. Mistakes are where there are no harmful intentions.

Choices that are just plain wilful and wrong and undoubtedly trouble or pain will be the outcome! These can never be called mistakes!

A year forward, I was still leaving him alone, not reacting to suspicions that were continually evident. I was getting on with life and turning a blind eye to all suspicion and imaginations. What was the point of doing or saying anything if I was never going to expose him? I chose peace and quiet in the home over dispute and confrontations.

Until five years ago! As a family we were organising a surprise party for the Reverend. Great lengths had been gone to, to make this a party of a lifetime, and it was. Family and friends had worked very hard on all the details, many people travelled from all over Britain to celebrate with us.

I recited a hymn which was my husbands choice to sing at our wedding ceremony.

My goal is God himself not joy nor peace,

Not even blessing, but Himself my God;

‘Tis His to lead me there-not mine, but His –

At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.

So faith bounds forward to its goal in God,

And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;

 Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard

Till God has full fulfilled my deepest prayer,

No matter if the way be sometimes dark,

No matter though the cost be oft times great,

He knows how I best shall reach the mark,

The way that leads to Him must needs be straight.

One thing I know I cannot say Him nay,

One thing I do I press toward my Lord;

My God my glory here from day to day,

And in the glory there my great reward.

Those words give me strength as I think of them now, as it was only weeks before the party that I discovered her for the first time. The main cause of all my most recent suspicions and painful anguish! That one dreaded attachment i knew he would find almost impossible to end because of his chronic ‘people pleasing ‘ dysfunction.

Finding out my husband had not only been unfaithful, but to conceive in my heart that he has allowed an improper and destructive emotional tie to develop with another, was harrowing. This made me feel completely redundant as his ‘go to’ girl. Was he holding someone else in his most intimate thoughts? I love him so much and crazy as it seems, I knew he loved me then, and he still does. I feel more so now after almost a year of separation.

He sacrificed our love on the alter of idolatry, because his fascination was for another.

This brought conflict to my own self-awareness and significance in our marriage.

With choosing to liaise with her he forced me into a battle, to win the awful war in my head. I needed to arm myself with extra strength to consciously and intentionally crush the fear, inferiority and low self esteem.

It was easy to say I was ready for waging war, but it was tough to believe I could win when it was far easier to surrender to the belligerent and aggressive enemies named worthlessness and uselessness.

Betrayal of this nature adjusts the settings in the mind. Rendering my weak thinking to the painful belief that I was inferior to her. That I was less important to him and he exchanged my affections for hers.

This is when I unveiled the Mr and Mrs Spencer! This was who they were on line. I also discovered that they had being seeing each other quite regularly and had developed a kind of partnership for more than a year.

They both assured me they were over. It would obviously take time for me to believe that was true given the Reverend’s history with the invisible Grey One.

Only a few weeks later, I had a quick check of the Reverends emails. Something we both agreed I needed to do from time to time to build trust back. He really wasn’t very good at covering his tracks as I found out they had been together the day I was out with a friend and another day that I was in training all day.

I read an email from her recalling the time they spent together. I am somewhat relieved it was her fantasy of such degrading actions. I have never evidenced anything that would accuse him of anything similar.

The Reverend and I enjoyed intimacy and the foreplay and climax of our lovemaking. If I had suggested anything involving the details I cannot divulge, he would never have complied! He was nothing but loving, gentle and tender towards me. Only the Grey One would do such a thing, I was never intimate with the Grey One.

The Reverend would always comfort me, he did his best to reassure me. He was genuinely sorry for the pain he caused, but understandably he avoided the reminders of his guilt.

Sadly, he was willing to continue with having it all. He wanted me and the family and all that we mean to him, and her and the recklessness she causes.