The feeling is warm and secure, the closeness and caress is comforting to the soul in need of an invisible loss.
In his blindness he did not realise it was the Python strangling life’s breath out of his faith, his marriage and family and his purpose for living.
The Pythons only desire was a selfish instinct to satisfy its own hunger.
May 2015 I found texting conversations that I watched for a week as they exchanged terms of endearment and affection for each other and the use of strong sexual language that described what she wanted him to do to her and of course he said he couldn’t wait. I was distraught, but I still remained silent, except I prayed as I hadn’t prayed before. My prayer was not about the words I used, but the expression of my soul in deep anguish, because I couldn’t take anymore – there was nothing more I could give or do. I was bankrupt of emotional and mental energy – At last!
I wasn’t giving up the fight for my marriage or my husbands affections, but my weaponry changed. I tucked myself in closely to my warrior King.
It was at the end of his birthday celebrations that yet more came into light!
We had enjoyed a great weekend and Bank Holiday Monday that had been his birthday. I had also discovered during the previous weeks messaging that had been shared between the Grey One and her. Photos were swapped, descriptive sexual language and lustful desires had been shared between them.
I had kept the discovered text messages to myself to get passed the weekend and his birthday, because we had family staying with us to celebrate with their father and grandfather. The trap door to the cellar was still securely locked by my silence, and my feet were firmly unmoved from the rug of secrets.
Then, with all the accumulation of pent up anger of the past week, adding to that the arrival on the scene, casting yet another suspicious character, I could not reign in the control of my emotions any longer.
I let him have it! All the venom from the pain in the pit of my stomach, of how I felt about his adulterous lies, just poured out of my mouth. I drank too much wine to dull the reeling pain, and I vomited!
I had at this point thought I would simply run out of the energy to stay strong. The benefit of the doubt is not an option for my tormented mind, I instantly believed the very worst!
It was the worst. I was reduced to torturing despair when it became a certainty, that in his unseen private life, when no one was aware of our difficulties, Reverend Grey was engaged in a full on affair with the woman he is now involved with. Their liaison had lasted for over three years at that time. I found out who she was, her name, where she lived, and her husband and children’s names. I acquired her contact details from a Google search. She is aware I found all this out about her as we shared several messaging and email conversations.
I have many emails, messages and photographs she has sent to the Grey One over recent years, she had used different names and email addresses. Now I knew they were all one person, her.
I visited her home, it was time we met face to face – thankfully she was not there.
On several occasions the Reverend would promise me it’s over, but then after a few weeks I would find out that he hadn’t been honest.
It was all becoming more unmanageable as I could feel the pain hitting the wall of near breakdown at my core.
My silence held me captive in a cell of cruel lies and deceit, which were now capable of gross ruin and destruction.
I was right on the edge of the most debilitating pain possible. I had done all I could do to stop this liaison, the most time they shared phone calls, text messages and emails, but they, together have violated every moral boundary that exists to protect a marriage and a family.
The guns were ready to open fire. Who would pull the trigger to mark the day I dreaded. The day when the pain would pierce the wall and my marriage would be tested beyond its durability, and to then unravel. Though always believing we will piece back together for the sake of our love, our history and our family.
I needed a glass of wine to mask the pain this had caused again. His response was that if I drank a glass of wine he would go and sleep somewhere else, which of course would make me feel alone and isolated which would cut deeper to wound upon wound.
I told him that his choice would be manipulative and controlling, as have been for many, years!
I understand now that he could not watch me manage my pain openly and destructively. It would force his two personalities to face each other, which must be avoided, they were sworn enemies.
I felt trapped. I was living in the continual torment of lies and deceit, doubt and suspicion. While the Grey One continued his life of greed, lust and selfish calculations.
I was the innocent one, but for me to be free would mean great loss.
I wrote to her.
She wrote back telling me how much she loved the Reverend, actually it’s the Grey one she is infactuated with. She said she provides a distraction from the demands and pressures of his responsibilities and she enables him to be the wonderful man he is!
She cannot have known how grieving and insulting her words were to Holy Spirit and the Reverends family and me.
I wonder how she feels now that she enabled his demise and the breakdown of relationship with his whole family!
Well done for that then! Not so wonderful now!
I mentioned earlier that I had prayed, a short prayer that I had not prayed before. It was a prayer of desperation. I was standing in my bedroom, erratic with anxiety.
I simply said out loud.
“God I cannot take anymore”.
It was one of the most sincere prayers I had ever prayed. Instantly these words ran back through my head in the context of an answer from my gracious heavenly daddy “Move out of the way then”. I said back out loud. “Okay, I am moving out of the way”. Again as I had before, but with a stronger conviction now, I handed our outcome into the will of my Creater God.
Have I really been in the way all these years? Yes I have, I did too good a job of protecting my husband!
This episode passed. The Reverend said he had ended all contact again. Blocked her number from his phone again and eventually we moved on and we had a good summer of what felt as recovery and repair.
For almost three months there was no suspicious behaviour, no discoveries of betrayal. I honestly felt strong, without anxiety or fear. Had my husband at last realised he was walking on very thin ice?
He may have, but the Python lust doesn’t let anyone out of its coils that easily!
Tuesday 25th August 2015 is a day my family will never be able to forget!
That day my fight began a transition into a song of praise and worship to the Champion of Champions who has already won the war.
From now He commands the outcome.