It will take all the Kings forces and the King Himself
to put Humpty Dumpty together again…
and He will… I am certain.
The unpleasant cycle of discovery confrontation arguing forgiving apologies and moving on, wore me down. It was making no difference at all.
The Reverend was hooked, I didn’t realise at the time that there was at this point no easy way to make things right.
I made a decision to ignore it all. For one year I turned a blind eye. I forgave in advance and left him alone to his immoral choices. I was fed up of the contention.
We are in control of our own choices, good choices and bad choices, but what we cannot control are the circumstances that are consequential to the decisions we make.
One day something will happen that we hadn’t planned for, and takes the control out of our hands and we become victims of our own devising.
There was nothing more I could do. I was desperately sorry we had come to this point. Maybe if I stopped warring with him, he would run out of the energy a double life demands. It was my only option, as otherwise we would be in continual conflict. I certainly didn’t want to live everyday in such a volatile atmosphere.
There is a vast difference between mistakes and wrong choices. It frustrates me when infidelity is called a mistake. Mistakes are where there are no harmful intentions.
Choices that are just plain wilful and wrong and undoubtedly trouble or pain will be the outcome! These can never be called mistakes!
A year forward, I was still leaving him alone, not reacting to suspicions that were continually evident. I was getting on with life and turning a blind eye to all suspicion and imaginations. What was the point of doing or saying anything if I was never going to expose him? I chose peace and quiet in the home over dispute and confrontations.
Until five years ago! As a family we were organising a surprise party for the Reverend. Great lengths had been gone to, to make this a party of a lifetime, and it was. Family and friends had worked very hard on all the details, many people travelled from all over Britain to celebrate with us.
I recited a hymn which was my husbands choice to sing at our wedding ceremony.
My goal is God himself not joy nor peace,
Not even blessing, but Himself my God;
‘Tis His to lead me there-not mine, but His –
At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.
So faith bounds forward to its goal in God,
And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;
Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard
Till God has full fulfilled my deepest prayer,
No matter if the way be sometimes dark,
No matter though the cost be oft times great,
He knows how I best shall reach the mark,
The way that leads to Him must needs be straight.
One thing I know I cannot say Him nay,
One thing I do I press toward my Lord;
My God my glory here from day to day,
And in the glory there my great reward.
Those words give me strength as I think of them now, as it was only weeks before the party that I discovered her for the first time. The main cause of all my most recent suspicions and painful anguish! That one dreaded attachment i knew he would find almost impossible to end because of his chronic ‘people pleasing ‘ dysfunction.
Finding out my husband had not only been unfaithful, but to conceive in my heart that he has allowed an improper and destructive emotional tie to develop with another, was harrowing. This made me feel completely redundant as his ‘go to’ girl. Was he holding someone else in his most intimate thoughts? I love him so much and crazy as it seems, I knew he loved me then, and he still does. I feel more so now after almost a year of separation.
He sacrificed our love on the alter of idolatry, because his fascination was for another.
This brought conflict to my own self-awareness and significance in our marriage.
With choosing to liaise with her he forced me into a battle, to win the awful war in my head. I needed to arm myself with extra strength to consciously and intentionally crush the fear, inferiority and low self esteem.
It was easy to say I was ready for waging war, but it was tough to believe I could win when it was far easier to surrender to the belligerent and aggressive enemies named worthlessness and uselessness.
Betrayal of this nature adjusts the settings in the mind. Rendering my weak thinking to the painful belief that I was inferior to her. That I was less important to him and he exchanged my affections for hers.
This is when I unveiled the Mr and Mrs Spencer! This was who they were on line. I also discovered that they had being seeing each other quite regularly and had developed a kind of partnership for more than a year.
They both assured me they were over. It would obviously take time for me to believe that was true given the Reverend’s history with the invisible Grey One.
Only a few weeks later, I had a quick check of the Reverends emails. Something we both agreed I needed to do from time to time to build trust back. He really wasn’t very good at covering his tracks as I found out they had been together the day I was out with a friend and another day that I was in training all day.
I read an email from her recalling the time they spent together. I am somewhat relieved it was her fantasy of such degrading actions. I have never evidenced anything that would accuse him of anything similar.
The Reverend and I enjoyed intimacy and the foreplay and climax of our lovemaking. If I had suggested anything involving the details I cannot divulge, he would never have complied! He was nothing but loving, gentle and tender towards me. Only the Grey One would do such a thing, I was never intimate with the Grey One.
The Reverend would always comfort me, he did his best to reassure me. He was genuinely sorry for the pain he caused, but understandably he avoided the reminders of his guilt.
Sadly, he was willing to continue with having it all. He wanted me and the family and all that we mean to him, and her and the recklessness she causes.