Author: e.carol

Mine

Mine

nature gave me Legs

you gave me wings

nurture got me walking

you set me free for flying

heritage gave me roots

“you can soar” ~ you never stopped saying

~~~

against me was your worst

toward me your affections burst

dark was your judas kiss

yet the sun shone from your love ~

~ not a day did it miss

your value was over and above

~~~

God saw every sin

an open book to him

i poured out my tears

in anguish and in prayers

his answer ~ always love

in him hope did not leave

~~~

the crime that stole my shine

was not of your design

the cruel that crushed my spirit

was not your arm that did it

fear ~ my daily torment

and unrelenting snores

did not hijack my night ~ through yours

~~~

Troubles were quiet

we became a duet

Our brokenness marked time

patent granted since our prime

while managing your mess

your rescue came to bless

while managing mine

i didn’t see yours climb

~~~

When they could no longer hide

they broke your vow in two

torn from your bride

blinded by shame were you

now you can see

you’re coming back to me

~~~

If you survive the fall.

believe that you can mend,

then climb back up the wall

your dreams did not end

~~~

then together forever

fragile ~ delicate ~ sore

but safe to shore

and soon to soar

no longer an unwelcome guest

tomorrow invites your best

~~~

the dark knight has gone

my prince is home

the script has changed our story

yesterday is history

our love will shine even brighter

through the cracks that hold us tighter

~~~

reflecting the beauty of hopefulness

the supremacy of mercifulness

the power of forgiveness

yielding healing and acceptedness

~ no more to frown

for trust ~ will be a jewel in our crown

The Sound of Silence

The Sound of Silence

I want to hear him say

i want to see him do

i want to want to let him

say and do ~ for him ~ not me or you…

Easy to say ~ not so easy to put into practice.

This is the only way it can be ~ I refuse to make known mine or others demands ~ I turn down the option to ask him for anything in this pathway of reconciliation.

This doesn’t mean there are no demands ~ I have many.

I have a long list ~

He doesn’t know from my voice what they are ~ There is no hurry ~ I am not rushing this process.

It is his conscience he needs to listen to ~

If he is willing to listen it will speak to him.

There are actions he is either ignoring or procrastinating for now ~ he knows what they are…

He has ticked some boxes already.

They’re like instalments ~ they need to be regular and continuous deposits of loyalty and commitment to his God, marriage and family account.

I need to watch and hear him do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said. It’s what he desires and understands to be vital, urgent and important that is going to make things right and will make the difference.

Not because demands are made of him.

If i directed him in these matters he would do them and say them, one by one as i pointed them out. He loves me ~ he will want to please me.

I need more ~ We need more ~ Him ~ Me ~ His Family.

We need to see him taking the initiative and not relying on anyone to point out what is required.

I have done this throughout our marriage in many ways.

Dropping hints ~ most times i needed to drop a house brick before he would hear what i was saying or needed.

He phoned my mother today ~ to say happy birthday to her ~ Brownie point!

He has never phoned my mum before ~ I was immensely proud of him for doing that.

I would never have thought to ask this of him, which made it even more significant.

Truth alone ~ will protect us. Truth alone ~ will heal us. Truth alone ~

will rebuild and reconcile us.

Lies alone ~ will damage us. Lies alone ~ will deteriorate us. Lies alone ~

will divorce us.

A Lie is never our ally. A friend recently said to me ~

‘Truth is our friend’ ~ A loyal friend.

A hard truth is more healing than a easy lie.

A hard truth may take time to figure out ~ An easy lie will only take an instant to mess everything up.

So far ~ So good.

I don’t know yet how to not be suspicious or imagine an ulterior motive in play or anticipate the reappearance of the Grey One.

This will take time to change ~ there are times i think it will take longer than i hoped. There are so many things that trigger doubts and anxieties that need to die. But i am committed to accept the change with open arms and embrace trust for my husband ~ My loved one.

The one thing I cannot demand is his loyalty ~ It can only be given and this is what I need and expect from now ~ I can only give him mine.

 

 

Tick Tock Goes The Clock

Tick Tock Goes The Clock

for Big Ben you do not wait ~ early? no negotiate

you are never out of date ~ or ever even late

struck dumb is not your chime

     you ~ ‘TIME’ 

won’t silence for a dime

above all

~ it’s only what’s TRUE that you recall

it has to be admitted

you will not be outwitted

no-one gets a step ahead 

many try to stand you still

and for a little while ‘TIME’

~ they believed you paid their bill

we need you as you will

for all those things that only you ~

‘TIME’

~ can tell…

for one of a number of questions i face 

‘TIME’ is a friend I do not have to chase

you are my crust 

as you replace my broken trust

for GOLD DUST

thank you ~ that you are mine ~ 

the gift of ‘TIME’

 

 

 

 

 

 

On The Inside

On The Inside

Let praises rise from the inside of me
May You delight in the inside of me
Come fill my life from the inside of me
Set me on fire from the inside of me

Fill my life till all they see is You, Lord
Fill my heart till all they see is You, Lord
Glorify Your name

All I want Is for You to be glorified
For You to be lifted high

For most of the time we have a closed sign on the door to the inside of us. We may make the doorway available to our nearest and dearest, as those who live with us will have more access than most.

But there is always that back room ~ with the private sign ~ that no one else sees the inside of ~

Except God of course ~ nothing is hidden from Him.

This time last year I was angry on the inside. This year I am healing on the inside.

I was grieving on the inside, the swell of grief would rise like a wave and roll from deep inside as the reality of my brokenness crashed over my moments.

The words from our mouths can often contradict what is on the inside of us in an attempt to window dress our lives.

Emotional reactions and knee jerk responses or even our silence is the voice that reveals the inside of us. 

Listen for the silence ~ They are a revelation from the inside of us.

The whisper of our soul ~ Listen ~ and you will hear your soul speak.

Its that room we call the spare room, where all the stuff goes ~ the buried and ignored stuff.

Every time the door opens to put more stuff in, from our consience we hear the siren in a noisy whisper ~ sound from the room ~ 

Sort me out ~ Clean me ~ Order my chaos ~ Throw me away …

How long will we ignore the inside of us?

Sadly many die with it all still on the inside ~ their life was robbed of a guilt and shame free soul.

Both my husband and I could have been that person. Had he never been exposed we could have died with all that stuff, toxic and decayed on the inside of us.

I cannot tell you how wonderfully healing and freeing it has been to open the door to everyone, to put right all the wrongs, to forgive and one day i won’t need to remind myself to choose to forget the pain and damage.

For my husband, he has his greatest opportunity to live the remainder of his life free from the lurking silent howl of Skeletor, the demon of his past.

In its place in that room i want to use the space to advise, help and serve others to listen to the voice on the inside of them…

The Road Is Narrow…

The Road Is Narrow…

Proverb 2:16-18
Wisdom will save you from the adulterous woman,
    from the wayward woman with her seductive words,

who has left the partner of her youth
    and ignored the covenant she made before God.
 
Surely her house leads down to death
    and her paths to the spirits of the dead.

My husband said recently that everything he reads and everything he hears people say is that he will face temptation and he will more likely than not, mess up again. Even though he feels strong, resilient and determined at the moment.

It’s the same for me. Every thing i read and every word I listen to, as friends and family who care for me tell me he will fail again and lapse into his addiction.

So why do i want to reconcile?

  • Because the alternative is not an option for me.
  • Because i cannot give up hope in my husband committing himself to conquering his failings and being honest and truthful for the rest of his life.
  • Because God hasn’t finished with him ~ then neither have I.

The past twelve months have been the worst and the best for both of us.

Almost four weeks have passed since we made our reconciliation official.

In these few short weeks i have missed a huge part of my husbands character. It feels incredibly weird without its presence.

It makes me feel redundant from a long running role i have functioned in and managed with a nervous strain of anxiety.

The Grey One is seemingly gone from his life and therefore, gone from mine too. This feels wonderful, but i feel his loss in such a way that life is uncluttered without rubbish. The days are lighter and brighter and unusually whole.

Not one secret has sabotaged us and the weight of a hidden identity is no longer carried underneath the surface of an outward apparel.

All kinds of explanations and questions run through my head as they have in the past when change has been promised.

In the past i knew the changes were fragile and were more of a wish than a want for change.

I do still question and will for a period of time i am certain. 

  • Has he learned new behaviours to keep the Grey One from my sights?
  • Is he practicing virtual loyalty rather than practicing actual loyalty?
  • Lies have been an integral defence in his life ~ Have they gone? Or are they only sleeping?
  • Is he dissacociating?

There will be no room for lies and secrets of the Grey One’s behaviours in my life again.

I have changed ~

I do not have a secret compartment now ~

except for good secrets of course.

I have limitless access to all his devises and if he calls me to look at something on his computer screen, as usual i still scan the top line to see what windows are open. Nothing alarming has appeared ~ So far so good.

A friend of my parents who i don’t know very well recently told me he had a dream about my husband and me…

He (my husband) was sitting in a green field, blooming with colour from a meadow of beautiful flowers. A lake was in front him and a boat moored on his side of the lake.

He was looking across to the other side of the waters and the grass looked green and inviting. He got into the boat and sailed to the other side.

Then in the dream he was sat looking from the opposite side at what he had left behind and saw that it was far more beautiful and valuable. He wanted to go back because he knew that was where he really wanted to be.

When he got to the waters edge the boat had drifted away ~ back to the other side.

There is no way back he remorses to himself with regret that he had left.

The I got in the boat and sailed to the other side to bring him home.

well there it is…

I pray the boat has gone ~ and the lake has got wilder, wider and deeper ~ impassable…

 

 

 

Long Walk Home

Long Walk Home

 

“I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free” Nina Simone

I wish I knew how
It would feel to be free
I wish I could break
All the chains holding me
I wish I could say
All the things that I should say
Say ’em loud say ’em clear
For the whole round world to hear

I wish I could share
All the love that’s in my heart
Remove all the bars
That keep us apart
I wish you could know
What it means to be me
Then you’d see and agree
That every man should be free

I wish I could give
All I’m longin’ to give
I wish I could live
Like I’m longin’ to live
I wish I could do
All the things that I can do
Though I’m way overdue
I’d be starting anew.

Well I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be
If I found I could fly
I’d soar to the sun
And look down at the sea
And I sing ’cause I know
How it feels to be free

My Husband has played this Song over and over almost every day this year. He told me that he would cry tears as he listened to the words in his desperation to be free.

He played it to me while we were waiting for food to be served at a restaurant about ten weeks ago. The tears poured down his face as we listened to the words.

He confessed that he deeply regretted that he didn’t look for a different solution last summer. He profoundly regretted that I had to walk away. He also bitterly regretted that he did not say NO to her countersigning the contract on the flat and consequently allowing her to move in  with him.

We spent over three hours together. He talked about his determination to detach himself from his circumstances including her. But he asked me if i would be patient for him as it would be a long way back, because his mess was so huge it could take him until after Christmas.

All i could say was that he needed to do what he needed to do for himself without my involvement. I needed to stay out of his way in terms of his personal process.

He broke us, only he can fix us. I cannot be the solution, but i will respond positively to every good and healthy choice he takes ~

I will stand with him as we walk through the difficulties together.

I cannot be the one that makes demands or places conditions on him. He must come up with all the solutions to the very many concerns that we will face as we take each step forward.

My husband had already told her in January that he was unhappy and that he wanted out.

Following our conversation he made changes much quicker than he expected and now as i write ~ he is free ~

How do i really know this is true?

I hear this question many times from people who care about me and my well being.

I totally understand why the question is asked… We both know we would ask it ourselves if the circumstances and history were about someone we knew and loved.

My response for now is that he is different, all his characteristics regarding his loyalty to me are like nothing i have seen before. None of the familiar cover up, lying, transference and avoidant angry and defensive traits are visible to me, and haven’t been since before Christmas 2016

Why didn’t he simply pack his bags and walk away when he was so unhappy? I asked him this question, family and friends said this is what he should have done.

He had his reasons ~ I had to leave him to manage his own way through what were very complex steps towards his freedom.

We are separated, this was his business and as difficult as it was, it was his process not mine.

He took full responsibility for bringing her into his mess.

Back up… I butted in… she walked willingly into your mess. You did not invite her to live with you. You did not intend her to share the contract on the flat. They were her intentions and suggestions.

“I have to take full responsibility” he confirmed…  “I cannot lay the blame with someone else” He continued.

The only way to become a responsible husband and father was to own and accept my sin”.

Is this my husband I pondered to myself?

This is not who I have known for over three decades. To hear him making such clear and decisive statements regarding his personal and private mess without a shrug of his shoulders or stroke of his face  or a scratch of his head was shockingly enlightening in the best possible way.

This was not the Grey One… 

We are taking what has now become our joint process a day to day and step by step pathway. We are not rushing the transition.

Had i not have left our home last August, my husband confessed he would have returned home to me within weeks. Had that been the way our reconciliation had played out I feel we would have stood little chance of my husband making the lasting changes that he is making now ~

~ had he not experienced the worst year of his life ~ His words…

 

Fast Forward

Fast Forward

Thank you everyone who has been reading this blog. My many followers and thousands of visitors from all over the world have encouraged me to continue blogging and writing.
My book Reverend Grey will be published soon. Please look out for my website, titled…

…’Born Of Fire Media’

It will go live before book release. I will provide a link here once the site is ready.

This blog from now will change direction slightly.

The following chapters of Reverend Grey can be read when the book is published and on sale from the website. The remaining chapters cover the most difficult and yet at the same time the most amazing year of my life, where the Grey Identity in my husband got darker than ever. Hope for both our reconciliation and my husbands future with his family became paper thin and could have vapoured into total obscurity through the autumn of last year ~ 2016.

It was also the year where i developed a confident strength of purpose and a healthy independence once the thunderous storms of anger and frustration passed from over my head.

It’s as though I fast tracked forward to catch up with the me I should be now in 2017. I had lost sight long ago of a possible future without the Grey One to manage and a basement to keep guard of, that I got stuck in the role of policing my husbands morals.

In reality I was no more than a cardboard cut out in the shape of an authority figure, with no way of enforcing a penalty for his wrongs.

Now in the present August 2017, both my husband and i admit that as dreadful as the last year has been it was the best thing that could have happened to us.

I had no idea that during the dark months of last year my husband who is not at all vulnerable to the choice of taking his own life, told me he can understand how people in his lost and desperate state could believe there was no other option but to take their own lives.

It was such a dark and hopeless time, many would choose death as their only escape – were his words.

When we met during those months he would weep, convey his deep love for me and how he missed me, then leave me to go back to his dark choices.

This would make me angry for at least two days i would take my anger out on him by emailing and texting him, copying her in to make sure she knew what i was saying to him. Then I would express my anger and  hostility to my children.

They were angry too so we fed each other’s feelings over those weeks ~

even though I was desperate to rescue him from his grave of despair that he had dug for himself.

Once he was back there and out of my reach i knew i had lost sight of him again. It took me months to finally let him go, realising i could not rescue him.

The blog has only touched the surface of my husbands dark identity. The book tells it in its rawness where it is necessary for the purpose of warning others to stay well away from those destructive websites and where they can lead to. One day i believe my husband will tell it all himself, he will fill in the gaps and join me to rescue others from a similar trap.

When i write about her, she represents many others, she personifies pornography and all its subtle seductions. Yes she is a real person, valued in the mind of God, made in the image of her creator God. God loves her, Jesus died for her. I sincerely hope she discovers her Saviour one day.

She also represents the many others ~ she was not the only one. Even during the time he was involved with her, there were others, i have their names and all the messages and emails they also wrote to my husband. when i refer to her, i am also including them.

It was a spirit of seduction he fell for, pornography is a seduction of lust.

There are many other seductions out there who want to capture us. We may not be vulnerable to the lure of lust, but what about the enticement of wealth and possessions that are gained illegally at the cost of others. Then there’s position that is gained by usurping authority or by manipulation. Gluttony, pride and lying or stirring up conflict and causing division. There are those who without thought align with wicked plans. All of these and more can make us feel powerful and in control.

They fill a void in need, or is hungry for significance.

There only power is over the individual they sweet talked into their plans.

Yet most of the ones who get cheated into these seductions, can be blind to the damage and destruction they are causing themselves and others as my husband and she were ~  

she still is…

I invite you to walk with me through my ‘now’. If i can help you, walk with me and we will do it together.

This next season of my life may be the most tricky and topsy turvy pathway i have ever walked.

The path of reconciliation…

Here goes…!