“I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free” Nina Simone

I wish I could share
All the love that’s in my heart
Remove all the bars
That keep us apart
I wish you could know
What it means to be me
Then you’d see and agree
That every man should be free

I wish I could give
All I’m longin’ to give
I wish I could live
Like I’m longin’ to live
I wish I could do
All the things that I can do
Though I’m way overdue
I’d be starting anew.

Well I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be
If I found I could fly
I’d soar to the sun
And look down at the sea
And I sing ’cause I know
How it feels to be free

My Husband has played this Song over and over almost every day this year. He told me that he would cry tears as he listened to the words in his desperation to be free.

He played it to me while we were waiting for food to be served at a restaurant about ten weeks ago. The tears poured down his face as we listened to the words.

He confessed that he deeply regretted that he didn’t look for a different solution last summer. He profoundly regretted that I had to walk away. He also bitterly regretted that he did not say NO to her countersigning the contract on the flat and consequently allowing her to move in  with him.

We spent over three hours together. He talked about his determination to detach himself from his circumstances including her. But he asked me if i would be patient for him as it would be a long way back, because his mess was so huge it could take him until after Christmas.

All i could say was that he needed to do what he needed to do for himself without my involvement. I needed to stay out of his way in terms of his personal process.

He broke us, only he can fix us. I cannot be the solution, but i will respond positively to every good and healthy choice he takes ~

I will stand with him as we walk through the difficulties together.

I cannot be the one that makes demands or places conditions on him. He must come up with all the solutions to the very many concerns that we will face as we take each step forward.

My husband had already told her in January that he was unhappy and that he wanted out.

Following our conversation he made changes much quicker than he expected and now as i write ~ he is free ~

How do i really know this is true?

I hear this question many times from people who care about me and my well being.

I totally understand why the question is asked… We both know we would ask it ourselves if the circumstances and history were about someone we knew and loved.

My response for now is that he is different, all his characteristics regarding his loyalty to me are like nothing i have seen before. None of the familiar cover up, lying, transference and avoidant angry and defensive traits are visible to me, and haven’t been since before Christmas 2016

Why didn’t he simply pack his bags and walk away when he was so unhappy? I asked him this question, family and friends said this is what he should have done.

He had his reasons ~ I had to leave him to manage his own way through what were very complex steps towards his freedom.

We are separated, this was his business and as difficult as it was, it was his process not mine.

He took full responsibility for bringing her into his mess.

Back up… I butted in… she walked willingly into your mess. You did not invite her to live with you. You did not intend her to share the contract on the flat. They were her intentions and suggestions.

“I have to take full responsibility” he confirmed…  “I cannot lay the blame with someone else” He continued.

The only way to become a responsible husband and father was to own and accept my sin”.

Is this my husband I pondered to myself?

This is not who I have known for over three decades. To hear him making such clear and decisive statements regarding his personal and private mess without a shrug of his shoulders or stroke of his face  or a scratch of his head was shockingly enlightening in the best possible way.

This was not the Grey One… 

We are taking what has now become our joint process a day to day and step by step pathway. We are not rushing the transition.

Had i not have left our home last August, my husband confessed he would have returned home to me within weeks. Had that been the way our reconciliation had played out I feel we would have stood little chance of my husband making the lasting changes that he is making now ~

~ had he not experienced the worst year of his life ~ His words…

 

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