Wisdom will save you from the adulterous woman,
from the wayward woman with her seductive words,
who has left the partner of her youth
and ignored the covenant she made before God.
Surely her house leads down to death
and her paths to the spirits of the dead.
My husband said recently that everything he reads and everything he hears people say is that he will face temptation and he will more likely than not, mess up again. Even though he feels strong, resilient and determined at the moment.
It’s the same for me. Every thing i read and every word I listen to, as friends and family who care for me tell me he will fail again and lapse into his addiction.
So why do i want to reconcile?
- Because the alternative is not an option for me.
- Because i cannot give up hope in my husband committing himself to conquering his failings and being honest and truthful for the rest of his life.
- Because God hasn’t finished with him ~ then neither have I.
The past twelve months have been the worst and the best for both of us.
Almost four weeks have passed since we made our reconciliation official.
In these few short weeks i have missed a huge part of my husbands character. It feels incredibly weird without its presence.
It makes me feel redundant from a long running role i have functioned in and managed with a nervous strain of anxiety.
The Grey One is seemingly gone from his life and therefore, gone from mine too. This feels wonderful, but i feel his loss in such a way that life is uncluttered without rubbish. The days are lighter and brighter and unusually whole.
Not one secret has sabotaged us and the weight of a hidden identity is no longer carried underneath the surface of an outward apparel.
All kinds of explanations and questions run through my head as they have in the past when change has been promised.
In the past i knew the changes were fragile and were more of a wish than a want for change.
I do still question and will for a period of time i am certain.
- Has he learned new behaviours to keep the Grey One from my sights?
- Is he practicing virtual loyalty rather than practicing actual loyalty?
- Lies have been an integral defence in his life ~ Have they gone? Or are they only sleeping?
- Is he dissacociating?
There will be no room for lies and secrets of the Grey One’s behaviours in my life again.
I have changed ~
I do not have a secret compartment now ~
except for good secrets of course.
I have limitless access to all his devises and if he calls me to look at something on his computer screen, as usual i still scan the top line to see what windows are open. Nothing alarming has appeared ~ So far so good.
A friend of my parents who i don’t know very well recently told me he had a dream about my husband and me…
He (my husband) was sitting in a green field, blooming with colour from a meadow of beautiful flowers. A lake was in front him and a boat moored on his side of the lake.
He was looking across to the other side of the waters and the grass looked green and inviting. He got into the boat and sailed to the other side.
Then in the dream he was sat looking from the opposite side at what he had left behind and saw that it was far more beautiful and valuable. He wanted to go back because he knew that was where he really wanted to be.
When he got to the waters edge the boat had drifted away ~ back to the other side.
There is no way back he remorses to himself with regret that he had left.
The I got in the boat and sailed to the other side to bring him home.
well there it is…
I pray the boat has gone ~ and the lake has got wilder, wider and deeper ~ impassable…