God saw every sin
an open book to him
i poured out my tears
in anguish and prayers
his answer ~ always love
in him did hope not move
I am not usually so self-absorbed, but this last year has been one big fat drama blown up within proportion to its demands.
We need to take our divided paths through the valley of doubts and climb back up to find a new landscape that will bring closure to suspicions and deceptions.
We need to rediscover ourselves in our own time.
We both have to face our failings, travel through the tunnel of an uncertain outcome and come through the other side before we can fully know if our future will lead us back together or not.
There was not a single cross word between us while we prepared for separation. We were not talking about the details of our situation so much. It was incredibly difficult for my husband to watch us dismantle our home and marriage, due to his infidelity.
I was intentional about my attitude as knowing my husband and the Grey One as I did it would have made things far easier if I was hostile. I didn’t want to be hostile at all during our final days together. I wanted them to be remembered as a peaceful and positive process. That is how I felt ~ peaceful and positive.
My story is extreme, and I still only know that because of the expressions of shock on the faces of my family and friends, as they hear me unveil another layer of the depth of addictive and promiscuous behaviour to which my husband declined.
I wasn’t aware of how spoiled my mind had become. It was friends and family who recognised my inability to see how wrong things were, due to my blind loyalties towards Reverend Grey.
I will need help to unwrap the layers of impairment, and then to erase the stain and contamination my mind has been programmed to accept as normal. I will need to reboot my sensory receptors to achieve a correct perception and understanding to what a marriage relationship should truly reflect if I am ever to be able to trust again.
I am who I am because of the unconventional fashion of my marriage. I now know that I can and will recover mentally and emotionally.
Over the years I have normalised my husbands addiction and become desensitised to the impact it has made.
I do not respond, as I ought to the degree of emotional violence it caused.
My husband didn’t master control in the early days to separate from the Grey One’s influence when pornography came to seduce. She knew the Reverends deepest and darkest want. She knew how to stroke his ego until he could not resist her lure. She did not stop enticing until she had stripped reputation, dignity and hope.
Then the fool was duped into paying the bill of consequence.
A high-end price tag of designer disbursement and the currency was his wife, family, many fond friends and two very successful careers.
I feel sad that for now my husband is completely dominated by the giant he is foolishly aligned with, and cannot say no to. I should feel humiliated and degraded, yet I feel I am rescued from the final outcome of a neglected sea vessel wrecked by a turbulent and raging storm. I was bailed out, overboard and I am safe, wounded but recovering, while my husband is stuck to the wreckage and is still going down with the ship.
To print our thirty-four year history is worth every word if it can prevent such extreme recklessness that exists to steal the soul from the core of other families.
Someone needs to break out of the silence and unmask the ultimate depravity uncontrollable lust will crave!
It was good to be back in the town I have called home for many years.
I had a few days with my daughter and her family, and then we were away together at the annual Festival, where a year before Reverend Grey’s morals were exposed.
What a fabulous week it was back in the bubble of love, care and affection from many wonderful people.
Spiritually it was a remarkable time for me – but that is another story!
One of my brothers in law asked me what was the worst thing my husband has ever done. There are a few worst things that have affected me in different ways.
I chose not to say what they were. But they did involve her crossing the threshold of our family home.
My marriage that was consecrated at the alter, was desecrated.
It was my hope that we could be a positive example by the way we handled the shameful and humiliating exposure. That as a whole family we would stand united to defeat the assailant of my husbands public demise.
We still can, it’s not too late for my husband to beat the Grey One into nonexistence.
The family and I are rebuilding together estranged from him for now.
This will not be the end of my story!
I am on an assault against everything that facilitates deception and betrayal within an intimate relationship such as marriage.
I know that deceit and betrayal go hand in hand with humanity, affairs will continue, relationships will end, pain won’t stop.
My argument is with those who both encourage and facilitate lies, betrayals and deceptions. And those who carelessly target married people to satisfy their need for sexual porn style significance through the secrecy of the Internet.
The details of the Grey One’s betrayals left me sick in my stomach.
To see emotional investment in her was cruel. Must he please her to the degree of agony he causes?
What he cannot see for now is the squalid ambience of mystique that plots to underhandedly influence the atmosphere to achieve its sinister design.
For now he is so morally corrupt he is blind to the depth of degradation he has blindly succumbed to that he will believe his life is manageable. He will be clean and shaved; he will smile in the right places and be funny at times. His flat will be spotless, tidy and well managed with no one to answer to ~ Yet!
Until the day his conscience invades his lonely-hearts door and penetrates through the lies he mistook for truth. The darkness he mistook for light and the lecherousness he mistook for love.
It is my prayer that pure love will devise a way and the means to cast a warmth that will draw him like a moth to a flame, to melt the icy precipitation of his own cold demise so it will drain from his feet.
The sponsored talk-a-thon had begun, this was how it worked.
I was clearing out the trash ~ The whole grubby lot of it.
I was able to go over and over again the details of my real life drama, with lovely family and friends. Every time I arrived at a different home I took a deep breath and relished the opportunity of going over it all again.
Thank you Friends and family ~ you know who you are…
Psalm 34:17&18 The Message
Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,
ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.