When Grey could no longer hide
your vow broke in two
torn from your bride
blinded by shame were you ~
when will you see
what you have done to me.
Our circumstances do not sound like we slipped into separation. The plans were calculated and planned for some weeks or months. I am guessing, based on knowing my husband well, he went along with her agenda to please her. Sadly she would have believed he was equally committed.
Three months to the day after I left that is how my husband explained our folly to me. That we slipped into a separation.
I put it to him that we did not slip into anything. It is impossible to equate flat hunting, followed by agreeing a contract, with such an unpredictable outcome of regrettable and consequential proportions, and call it a slip into.
He replied that he was swept along by the agenda and persuasion of another.
That is the Grey One, a chronic people pleaser, who runs with the moment, whatever the moment is at the time and whoever is the influence in those moments.
Of course he cannot say the word no! He must please.
This time it was the Grey One and she not my husband and me.
He is a chronic people pleaser at the cost of his beliefs; values and his most precious loved ones.
I have just spoken to my husband on the phone for half an hour.
His recollection of our separation has become somewhat grey around the edges. Not only had we slipped into the way things are, but that I was resigned to the separation for a month before it happened.
How does he change the goal posts in the process of events to make the circumstances favour his position?
I was never resigned. That is a huge misrepresentation of my position. The Grey One said he was going to leave me and move in with her. That statement gave me no other option than to walk away from the toxic environment of the Grey One’s painful intentions.
It frustrates me that he allows her to influence his mind. He goes with the tide, open to the power of tempting suggestions, and I should know that as well as anyone. He doesn’t make things happen, he allows things to happen.
It is primal to my understanding of our fallible development, that it takes faith and courage to be free from the underlying mindsets and belief systems that are environmentally forced upon us in our infancy.
They may be drowned out by the noise of the exciting and exhilarating experiences of youth and young adulthood. But when troublesome days encroach they will be aroused, and demand exclusive rights to the soul they shaped.
No one will know the painful effects of pornography, if we allow it to
Remain behind the password that cannot be seen or heard.
Whether mental and emotional pain was intentional or not it has its effect on our development. Like the uniqueness of the design of our fingerprints is the unparalleled way pain will define us one from the other, irrespective of the level of pain experienced.
Then when the age of sexualisation is awakened, it will be the sought for piece, chiselled to fit the void unhealed wounds created.
It has become inherent to ignore and suppress mental or emotional damage committed against us. Unlike physical pain, unseen hurt goes unnoticed unless awareness is raised how to recognise it.
Just as vultures hover over the bleeding and dying, ready to satisfy itself on flesh that once represented life and status, pornography and all its weaponry will arouse to satisfy her lust from the fragile, damaged and wounded soul.
It remains by no means an excuse, to be tolerated by remaining weak against the demands of the child within, and ignore mature adult responsibility for thoughts, choices and actions taken ~
when our history seeks out the present, with a plan to commandeer the future.
We have to be intentional to break free from our past. We must access professional counselling, and all the prayer and support we need, to master the skeletons in our closet. Especially if your skeletons are secrets unseen by anyone else. We cannot do this alone, we need help.
Do not allow what is thought of as a minor issue, become so large a consequence of neglect that in later life wrecks relationships and families.
If this is you? Do yourself and those who love you a favour and get help, pick up your phone and call someone now.
You will not want to do it, so there is no point waiting until you do. Nothing will change for the better; there is no status quo. Your situation will continue to worsen.
Don’t wait until terrible circumstances force you of the road and out of action.
As i am writing about our marriage, we are currently apart. I know he loves me and misses me very much, as I do him. But his actions brought about circumstances that he couldn’t control and those circumstances rescued me.
I believe in my despair I fell into the master plan of my loving and perfect heavenly father that day. I truly did not process a single thought regarding my personal outcome. My matter of fact announcement to leave first and be free of the noise was a script that had been written in the heavens. All I had to do was step into cast.
Loving heavenly father, I pray for those who need a plan of rescue now, that you will write their lines and when the moment comes they will know exactly what to say and what to do.
Lyrics from Above The Noise ~ McFly
On the mystery of a love
That always finds itself in me
On the beauty of desire
That keeps calling me to deep
I’ve seen a lot of places
I’ve been to me and back
Every time I take that trip
I always over pack
I bring the dreams that charmed me
One’s that owned my past
Why do I hold so tight the
Things that never last
I want a heart that hears you whisper
I want these eyes to see your plans
I want a soul that holds to something
That’s beyond these human hands
I want the feeling of your presence
I want to love to hear your voice
I want to live above the noise