The Thin Blue Line

The Thin Blue Line

The path that leads to demise is the only one you can see,

You’re blindly in the belief that it cannot be.

And as you say ~ what i don’t see isn’t hurting me?

January 2016, she was back, Her.

I could see in his eyes that I had lost him, what had been recovered for those few brief weeks were gone again. I felt as though it was me against the Grey One and her. Every time he went backwards after a break, her grip got stronger.

I was still on his side but have no connection with her. He was and still is my husband. She was and still is in an adulterous affair with him.

I was not ready to let him go. I wanted to save our marriage. My fight was strong to rescue us from break up. In our pastoral role we had heard so many people share their regret of walking away from their marriage because of adultery. I didn’t want to be the one that gave up and walked away from ours.

I vowed for better or worse, there are no guidelines in the vow to what goes beyond worse. If that place existed, I wasn’t there yet. 

I wrote to her following her recent unwelcome presence in my husbands’ life. My husband is no longer available to you I wrote. You and he crossed a gross immoral line. You completely broke down trust in our marriage. As long as you remain in contact, you will be a threat to our family!

Stop your involvement with him and let us recover. Now we have to start all over again because of your recent invasion.

A marriage and a family is a whole unit, you cannot secretly isolate yourself to one member of a marriage and family, it will always bring heartache when you do. In the history of mankind no one has ever had a freebie, payday always comes to the culpable in some form.

It destroys, steels loyalty and breaks trust from within the marriage you tear apart.

He chose us – his family, this means he cannot have any part of the world you exist in any more!

I hope this is my final contact with you. If tomorrow, in a few days, weeks, months or even years I find you have been in touch with my husband I will get in touch with a member of your family to gain their support in helping you to move on and leave him alone.

All my interference did was strengthen their force and cause me to feel more obscure within my marriage. My husband was angry at my meddling, he accused me of being vindictive, and it wasn’t like me.

The tolerant one, blindly trusting in his word, had been the person he was used to me being. He was still attempting to convince me it was all her, that she wouldn’t back off.

I was getting less and less tolerant. My goal posts were narrowing.

January 2016 proved to be a horrid month!

The perpetual grim discoveries of the Grey One’s deceptions were grievous.

We argued because he had changed all his passwords and pass codes on his devises so that I could not access his calendar and emails etc.

Before slamming the door to leave, his parting words resounded with a conviction of final resolve. “I want my life back,” said the Grey One.

I was puzzled! What was the need in the Grey One’s statement?

His unseen control was gone ~

The Grey One was exposed there was nowhere to hide now.

He provoked pains that were all too familiar with an injury he had not inflicted on me before.

I was overwrought at his pretence of making progress in rebuilding our family; all that had been assembled was pseudo trust.

A wall built with bricks and no cement to secure them together will simply tumble down with the first blow.

Trust is the cement that holds a relationship together.

I could not continue in this sadness. I needed a break. I packed a case and drove out of town for a few days to get some space where I could get some clarity in my head.

It felt liberating to be out of such a toxic environment. This was the most empowering action I had taken ever through my entire marriage.

I began to understand for the first time that I couldn’t fight his addictions anymore, unless we were fighting side by side. Head to head conflict would never be the answer.

I was on the outside of my husband’s life.

I had to get out of the way. It was too painful to carry on watching from the outside. I could not hold it together any longer. I was heading in a direction that was going to cause trouble for more people and more family breakdown. He was right, vindictive behaviour isn’t like me.

At that moment I had no more resilience.

If our marriage could only survive by relying on my tolerance, it was all going to fall apart. I had to let it fail.

We met up together a few days later. We chatted generally over a coffee, I waited for him to begin, which he did. He had learned his lines well over the years.

He was right that I needed things to be very different. Which he understood and knew what the big change needed to be. Her.

The Grey One as always was grey in his response to change.

We had an important meeting in a couple of days; he needed me to be there. The day before the meeting he rang me, he gave me his word he would sort himself out.

Of course he didn’t intend to make any changes ~ He needed me home.

I went home.

When I arrived we had a long heart to heart about the condition of our marriage. We were both defensive but at peace.

We went to bed, the reunion became intimate and all was well in those moments.

I was willing and committed to giving him a chance to prove me wrong.

I wouldn’t desert him yet.

If the Grey One ever gives me no other option but to leave him again, I would not come back a second time. I would not take that decision lightly. Having left once and felt the freedom of empowerment by doing so.

I knew I could do it again.