But God hasn’t moved to the mountains;
His Holy address hasn’t changed.
He’s in charge, as always, his eyes
taking everything in, his eyelids
Unblinking, examining the unruly brood
inside and out, not missing a thing.
He tests the good and the bad alike;
if anyone cheats, God’s outraged.
God’s business is putting things right;
he loves getting the lines straight,
Setting us straight. Once we’re standing tall,
we can look him straight in the eye.
Psalm 11:4-7 The Message
I still didn’t doubt his love for me. But the duplicity of his personality and immorality was tearing us apart and had been for years.
It was Friday, the last day before the weekend that was going to swallow me into abandoned despair and the unknown of separation. I was unprepared.
I had never lived alone, I grew up in a big noisy family, then grew a big noisy family of our own.
This could be a horrible emotionally charged weekend or a hostile one. My mind was on the edge of either one and I was not in a place to make a choice between the two parallels.
To help us begin the weekend with some structure I booked two tickets to go and see the new James Bond film. It was the right choice as we were able to spend the evening together without talking. Except for my Husband educating me about the model of the Bond car!
It was late when we arrived home meaning no time for a long drawn out conversation that may lead to tears and conflict. We had a short warm chat and a drink then off to bed, we were intimate, which surprised me.
I felt cherished.
Saturday morning, he suggested we went for a drive to a farm shop café to chill for an hour.
We sat chatting superficially while waiting for our food to be served.
Then between breaths the silence broke and he began to talk.
What he said took me completely by surprise!
He reached for my hand and began with words I had been longing to hear. My husband had returned! He explained that at some point through the previous week he had turned a corner. He wasn’t sure when it was, a curry night out with some mates, a successful counselling session or seeing family for the first time in weeks, then our night out together at the cinema. Something fell into place.
He continued, saying he felt as though he has been lost at sea without and awe or a life jacket and now he felt hopeful for the first time since the dreadful shaming email exhibit.
He thanked me for standing by him and asked me to forgive him, assuring me he loved the children and me and chose our future and us together.
He cried, I cried, the worst was over, I thought! Sadly the Grey One was not going to give in that easily. My husband continued counselling and changed his mobile number, to stop unwanted contact.
He kept the same email address explaining it was the address that his work contacts used so would prevent him getting business. I had no choice but to accept that, but it did provide a weak entry point for the Grey One.
The next day he emailed his children to let them know his decision.
He wrote… The problems of the last two months are not all resolved yet or likely to be for some time, but he was in a better place personally, and in his relationship with me.
He reiterated his words that he had said to me the day before telling them that something lifted and he felt hope and strength to believe things can be much better for the future.
The deep grief and pessimism he experienced along with a huge urge to be alone appeared to have abated.
He said he was sorry for putting them all through a terrible time the last few weeks and deeply regretted his actions that led to the unmasking of his other self. Which gave ammunition for someone to expose him.
Hopefully he continued, we could all rebuild and continue to be the great family we are despite his deep flaws.
Over the following few weeks we were happier than as you can imagine we had been for a long time. I felt confident I was winning my husbands affections back.
I felt his desire for me return. I saw him looking at me with affection in his eyes, I hadn’t seen that for a long time.
There is something about the way a person looks at the one they love that is very unique. I would know when things were not going well when the affection had gone from his eyes. Affection was replaced by avoidance and distance, shame and guilt, which couldn’t be hidden.
Sadly the grey One still had the upper hand. He wasn’t given the same message as us, therefore he stood his ground. The Grey voice silently mocked with the tone of forboding evil ~
“We have been here before, I’m not going anywhere.”
A year forward, I have recently discovered that soon after his recommitment to us, he was grooming online to meet total strangers for behaviours I can only imagine.
For me to go out in the evening and feel assured my husband would be faithful, I had to know what he intended doing with his time. It was most reassuring for me if he had arranged to be out with a friend who I knew and could confirm he was with him.
Except now he should have been different, as he had very recently recommitted himself to fidelity, I was going out with a group of girl friends to the theatre. I was somewhat anxious because it was the first time my trust was put to the test since his recent change of heart..
He had given me his word he was going to relax and watch television.
About ten minutes before I left, he went to the bathroom… with his phone. This was the silliest thing he could have done, as he knows that raises my fears.
When he came down. I asked to see his phone.
I was apprehensive because I knew there would be Grey intent threatening to ruin my evening.
What a fool! He had texted someone very dubious, it wasn’t her. His face was the expression of a child caught in a lie as I looked at the message. The content of the message didn’t imply a betrayal, but it was still alarming as it wasn’t innocent in its subject.
I don’t ever want to see that look of shame again, or that naughty school boy face!
I went out despite my anxieties. I placed a stick from the garden in front of his car wheels and took photos so that i could check later if he had been out.
The evening was mixed with fear as well a smiles and laughter. The not so ‘perfect life’ mirage covered up the insanity that was going on in my head.
My recent belief in him ebbed, I was losing him again. I didn’t show it, or tell anyone ~ The secret keeper was still alive and well too.
Going out in the evening is something I am free to enjoy now and I am making up for all those lost opportunities to make the most of them.
He would always deny there was anything he needed to admit to but I knew he was guilty because I saw it in his eyes. I could read my husband and the Grey One in an instant, I know him so well.
But for now, I was in the make believe of a fresh start, I was hanging in there. But not naïve.
We were still very close to ruin.