Reckless intention
Destructive plan
Beyond comprehension
Ache for intervention.
It was Good Friday.
I triggered a volatile switch.
I asked how counselling went two evenings before. He wasn’t at all keen to talk about it, he was defensive. I then reacted to his indifference with emotion, which escalated into a full blown torrent of fury displaying what I had become programmed to recognise as –
If I put pressure on him he will silence me with anger. Silent I was not.
The separating option came up in the heat and emotion, which would only be said when the Grey One is personified in the moment of enmity between him, my husband and me.
I did not want a separation from my husband, but I did not want to live with the Grey One or her anymore. As much as I tried to make it happen I was not to have one without the other.
I parked the subject; and prepared for the day. On the surface there was calm, inside I was churning.
Mid morning my husband suggested we go for coffee at our local garden centre.
This was a helpful move forward.
In the restaurant with our coffees and he talked about his counselling session.
We levelled again.
The Grey One was back into the shadows ~ out of sight until the next time.
I didn’t make any more discoveries of the Grey One’s plans for a few weeks.
We had booked a holiday in the Canary Islands during the spring. We had the best weeks holiday I can remember for a long time. We didn’t have one fall out; neither did I sense anything suspicious. Love, affections and warmth between us was comforting.
Normally when we’re on holiday the Grey One is eager to find Wi-Fi in a local café or bar and we would have to visit the same place every day so he could catch up on line.
It was a holiday habit to download emails and answer anything urgent.
But not on this holiday. He didn’t take his phone or tablet out when we went for a walk or a meal. It was so refreshing to have a break from the anticipation of lurking suspicion.
While we were relaxing in the apartment, I mentioned to my husband that I could live happily in a place like this abroad in our retirement.
We both got carried away with hopes and dreams of our future, somewhere abroad but only a couple of hour’s flight back to England, we both began to dream about the possibilities.
I could actually believe for a future without concern for the Grey One.
The holiday was coming to an end; it was the day to leave, we got packed and ready for the journey home.
We were watching the world go by in the departure lounge as usual. I went for a wander around the shops for a browse to kill some time. As I wandered back I saw him scrolling through his phone. Immediately my fears were triggered. I really wish I had not seen him on his phone, more so I wish he had not been tempted to look at it.
He did and I saw him.
It’s fine. I guessed he was catching up on football results, it was Saturday. In an innocent attempt to calm my suspicious mind I approached him from behind so that I could see his screen.
A red mist came over me as I saw her face over and over again as he scrolled through the messages and photos she had sent him through the week of our holiday.
I was livid. I cannot fully describe in words how I felt in that moment. Sadly to my discredit I think everyone in the departure lounge knew he was having an affair. I was not quiet as I voiced my despair.
I had to cope in the only way I knew how to, so that I could sleep all the way home. I did sleep ~
Truthfully I was unconscious, due consequence of my sedation methods.
I remember very little until the next day. We arrived home at around three thirty am; I woke up around ten am.
We had a quiet Sunday; the atmosphere wasn’t great between us. The Grey One was annoyed with me for my uncontrolled display of emotions and too much alcohol which had caused me to vomit on the flight as well as being completely out of it.
He began browsing the Internet looking at one-bedroom flats. I couldn’t cope that he was visiting the option of separation again.
With all the pain he had put me through, he punishes me for an emotional meltdown because of her invasive seductions and intent to ruin what was a very special and wonderful holiday. He could not see, or was willing to accept where the fault rests.
Did he really expect me to turn a blind eye while the duplicitous characters submit to Delilah’s controlling manipulations under my nose?
This was too much.
How much more is he prepared to lose before he comes to his senses?
His pride is like a fortress built around the corpse of dry bones,
left in the wake of the beast that has ravaged every ounce
of life from him.
The weeks rolled forward, sadness was my underlying mental and emotional state.
This was not going to be an easy time for either of us. The Grey One was going forward with his addictions and affair. Him doing so meant he was consistent in his deceitful pretences to his family and close friends. They were all sceptical. They were right to be.
My husband was looking at porn, when he should have been looking at me.
He was sending intimate messages of love and desire to others, when his desire should be for me.
He was forsaking me, while keeping all others, when he should be forsaking all others and keeping himself for me.
Every vow my husband made on our wedding day, he practiced the opposing alternative.
It seemed at times that most things were back to front in our relationship.
At our wedding he would have been more honest to make these vows:
Will you have this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
To live together against Gods ordinance in unholy matrimony
To dishonour her, mistreat her, and ignore her
And forsaking her, keep thee unto another.
I take thee to be my wedded wife,
To have, but not to hold, from this day forward.
I will dishonour you in the better times, and in the worst times,
I will disrespect you when rich or poor,
I will be disloyal to you in sickness, and in health.
I will humiliate and abandon you,
When we are parted by extra marital affairs.
This is my solemn vow.
These are the promises the Grey One has kept without exception.
I cannot advise anyone in similar circumstances, I gave my marriage every opportunity to survive without the agony of separation.
Our break up was inevitable, but I needed to be ready to accept it.
I chose to fake it until we make it ~ it wasn’t the answer ~ I submitted to the torture of slow and painful torment.
I only hope this scene in our story brings clarity to someone who is walking a similar path
The counsellor went through my husbands’ life, finely dissecting every part. He made the connection between the events around his birth with events at seventeen. He also recognised the polarised compartmentalisation and disassociation disorder.
Easter 2016. It was Good Friday.
I triggered a volatile switch.
I asked how counselling went two evenings ago. He wasn’t at all keen to talk about it, he was defensive. I then reacted to his indifference with emotion, which escalated into a full blown torrent of anger displaying what I had become programmed to recognise as ~
If I put pressure on him he will silence me with his anger. Silent I was not.
Mid morning my husband suggested we go for coffee at our local garden centre.
This was a helpful move forward.
In the restaurant with our coffees and he talked briefly about his counselling session.
We levelled again.
The Grey One had gone back into the shadows he was out of sight for a while.
I didn’t make any more discoveries of the Grey One’s plans for a few weeks.
We had booked a holiday during the spring. We had the best weeks holiday I can remember for a long time. We didn’t have one fall out, neither did I sense anything suspicious.
Normally when we’re on holiday the Grey One is eager to find Wi-Fi in a local café or bar and we would have to visit the same place every day so he could catch up on line.
It was usually a holiday habit to download and check emails and answer anything urgent.
But not on this holiday. He didn’t even take his phone or tablet out when we went for a walk or a meal. It was so refreshing to have a break from the anticipation of suspicion.
While we were relaxing in the apartment, I mentioned to my husband that I could live happily in a place like this abroad in our retirement.
We both got carried away with hopes and dreams of our future together, somewhere abroad but only a couple of hour’s flight back to England, we both began to dream about the possibilities.
I felt at that moment I could actually dream of a future without concern for the Grey One showing up.
The holiday was coming to an end; it was the day to leave, we got packed and ready for the journey home.
We were watching the world go by in the departure lounge as usual. I went for a wander around the shops for a browse to kill some time. As I wandered back I saw him scrolling through his phone.
Immediately my fears were triggered. I really wish I had not seen him on his phone, more so I wish he had not been tempted to look at his phone.
He did and I saw him.
It’s fine. I guessed he was catching up on football results, it is Saturday. In an innocent attempt to calm my suspicious mind I approached him from behind so that I could see his screen.
A red mist came over me as I saw her face over and over again as he scrolled through the messages and photos she had sent him through the week of our holiday. There were reams of them.
I was livid. I cannot fully describe in words how I felt in that moment. Sadly to my discredit I think everyone in the departure lounge knew he was having an affair. I was not quiet as I voiced my despair.
I had to cope in the only way I knew how to, so that I could sleep all the way home. I did sleep, truthfully I was unconscious, due consequence of my sedation methods.
I remember very little until the next day. We arrived home at around three thirty am; I woke up around ten am.
We had a quiet Sunday; the atmosphere wasn’t great between us. The Grey One was annoyed with me for my uncontrolled display of emotions and too much alcohol which had caused me to vomit on the flight as well as being completely out of it.
He began browsing the Internet looking at one-bedroom flats. I couldn’t cope that he was visiting the option of separation again.
With all the pain he had put me through, he punishes me for an emotional meltdown because of her invasive seductions and intent to ruin what was a very special and wonderful holiday. He could not see, or was willing to accept where the fault rests.
Did he really expect me to turn a blind eye while the duplicitous characters submit to Delilah’s controlling manipulations under my nose?
This was too much.
How much more is he prepared to lose before he comes to his senses?
His pride is like a fortress built around the corpse of dry bones
left in the wake of the beasts that have ravaged every ounce
of his life from him.
Reverend Grey 