Pornographic addictions, a strong dark grip.
Her cause is every part to strip.
She will eat your flesh, and chew your bones, only the splinters will be spit.
Through the pain come out on the other side,
Where there is nothing more to take and nothing more to hide.
It has been quite difficult to go back to the memories of this stage of our story and feel it again. It was Autumn 2016 when this was written. I felt the anger rise in me again after last weeks blog, it took a couple of days to process my way back to where i am now currently, being a much better place.
Reality has gripped me unexpectedly, that I am overwhelmed with grief, abandonment and extreme loss. I am so very cross with him for choosing adultery and lust over his children and me.
He boasts of our wonderful family and friends. They deserve every shout out because they are wonderful and amazing. But his boast is that without him I can run into them and I have. But they cannot replace him. They cannot be there in the middle of the night for a spontaneous hug and reassuring words when I need them. That’s his place. He vowed to be that person for me. He has cheated me, traded me for a dark and shallow alternative.
And how did he come to the blind conclusion that his family are better off without him? Yes I am angry right now.
We vowed to each other our loyalty and commitment for better or worse. It is not okay that he deserts me for another.
Who is she that she thinks it is right to stealth a husband, father and grandfather from the heart of his family? Who is the man that allows this to happen? These feelings will pass, they do and will continue to come and go for the foreseeable future.
At this very moment of writing I am angry and broken that my husband would do this to us.
I fully understand the vast humiliation he unnecessarily suffered and his need to hide away from the spotlight. He should have done that within the safety and love of his family, we all stood by him and loved him beyond his demise.
He was far more than the Reverend to us.
My husband is an intelligent man.
As much as I concur with the effects of his early emotional traumas’
his behaviour is without excuse.
Now that rant is of my chest. I love him. I can’t help it. I have given up trying to force myself to get over him.
As a family our situation grew worse,
Our children had only just found out about the affair. The situation was volatile and in that unresolved atmosphere of hostility, they arrived at our door.
In an instant, the Grey One vapored and their father greeted our children with an effort of normal.
Their response was direct and confrontational as to how, not normal things were.
he remained silent while our children begged him to choose us his family.
To fight for us.
I was appalled to hear one of my children say that we are dysfunctional as a couple and that their father has been abusing me for years.
That shocked me. I never saw it like that.
There were tears and disbelief in who their father was. They had never seen this person before. They didn’t know him or recognise him as dad. Yet another blindsided crash for our family.
The anger in my son was tangible, he shook his head saying,
“I don’t know this man”.
They had never met the Grey One before.
We understood he had lost so much, his loved career, his reputation, he had been publicly humiliated to an untenable degree. Friendships had changed, even though all our friends were non-judgmental and supportive they now knew information about him in a way that should never have been available in black and white to so many.
Yes he was a different man, he was lost. We his family expected him to run into us, so that we could all recover together.
But instead the Grey One became the dominant identity, that confided in the stranger!
After our children left in anguish, their father said when they were gone.
“They’re great kids.” How could he not say that when they were here?
Father and family would be estranged from one another for many weeks from that night! Things being difficult were an understatement!
The whole family became victims of deplorable choices they had no part in. The choice to satisfy an emotional impoverishment he was abandoned with as an infant. Then as single young adult exploring harmless fun, to fill a void he did not create, or accept existed for a long time.
He got on with working. When he was home, we got on with normal things. We enjoyed similar dramas on TV, also enjoying days out together.
We were far from okay as the ‘elephant in the room’ was always present.
The Grey One was attending counselling which was enlightening regarding the reasons, not excuses for his behaviour.
It must be said my husband never excused his moral flaws. He knew they were wrong and he knew he caused pain, but he was compelled to give in to the Grey One to pornography, elicit sex and now her.
The Grey One continued to find comfort outside of his marriage and family. We talked very little. He felt with family estranged that he might as well move out, that we would all be better off without him.
He began to look for an alternative home. I was not ready for this. I was ok with it, then I wasn’t, but really I wasn’t!
I desperately wanted our marriage to survive and become better than ever.
I was putting up a united front believing we would survive. Never ever in a million years would I have believed it possible for my husband to leave us?
We had to make old age together. After all I had stood beside him and fought for us, it was still my hearts desire to grow old with him.
With the rift between our children and their father growing further apart, the Grey One continued his plan to leave.
What an awful dreadful time that was. I was broken, very broken that the Grey One had totally hijacked my husband. I still loved him very much; neither did I doubt his love for me.
Not only had the Grey One obliterated the Reverend, he was intent on obliterating him as a Husband – Father and Grandfather.
I would check almost every day that his car was where it was supposed to be parked, for my peace of mind.
I was living on high alert always on vigil making sure he was where he was supposed to be.
I was leaning into family and friends and they were very supportive. Even though many of them expected I would walk away, understood my preferred outcome, that our marriage would be strong again.
I was so confused with his obsession with a women he would have nothing in common with, other than their interest on line for the purpose of promiscuity.
Reverend Grey’s recklessness stretched me to the point of fracture, crushing my fragile cerebral bones over and over again.
Every time I found that he had strayed into websites and or adultery, I refused the option to get help, because I feared the outcome if I let as little as one other person know the secrets in our cellar.
All through our marriage we had challenges to face and difficulties to get past, just as everyone else does. We always faced them, managed them and got through them and survived them. We could have survived this too.
At the moment I will be doing this alone. I would like nothing more than for us both too become able and strong enough to confidentially help and support both singles and couples who have similar struggles.
The Grey One continued to look for a flat, while confiding in her.
He was and still is the man I want to be married to.
The next few weeks were the most unbearable of my entire life…