We had a fabulous holiday, all together, our entire family, children and grandchildren. All except the one who was the Reverend. With him being completely lost in the Grey One’s identity, he was missed, but he couldn’t join us.
Easter is one of the main events in the Christian calendar. It was my husbands favourite celebration, remembering the finished work of Jesus. Again he is missed.
Too awkward… What could we have talked to him about…? Where would he have slept…? Were a few of the comments the children made when we talked about his absence. I wouldn’t be alone anymore in wondering who he was texting, or what he was looking at on the Internet. Who he was thinking about in his silence or why he has taken a selfie with only himself in the frame. When the Grey One was a secret that only he and I knew of, I kept those fears and suspicions to myself to protect him. I protected him because I love him, I protected the children because they love him.
He would have loved being with us, playing with his grandchildren. Building castles and digging holes in the sand. Playing beach cricket and swimming in the sea. Many were the nooks and crannies for a game of hide and seek in the huge farm house he paid for, for us all to enjoy together. I could hear him in my head chuckling in his high pitched laugh that would bring tears to his eyes as he got one over on one of his little off spring, who would never give up in their search for Papa.
He was my trusted wingman when all the family were together, we were chief mama and papa. We led the convoy, organised the food and other arrangements. Our hands continually reaching for the purse to treat the little ones to ice cream and the bigger ones to bigger treats.
This time, I feel somewhat redundant of my long running role without my wingman. It’s ok, I am adjusting to a different position in our family dynamic. I have very capable sons and daughters.
Though at the moment I feel like I am salt on the table without pepper and bread without butter, a knife without a fork. Trying to eat and drink with my right hand because the left hand is missing. Most times he was the right hand, I was the left, but where family was concerned, he was my left hand. He would not stop until all the tasks were completed. Much fun and laughter would be enjoyed as even the chores became an opportunity for fun and games with the children.
It was his choice to trade us in. Even though it wasn’t what he intended. He took a big risk and he lost. He’s not used to losing. He has always been the winner, always landed on his feet. He may not have landed yet, still hoping to land sure footed I am sure. All our affection and fondness is still here for him when he is ready. There is no more ‘Cake and eat it’ – he cannot have us and promiscuity, pornography etc any longer. He knows what he needs to do. Then our unconditional love and forgiveness is his.
I should be relieved and free of the Grey Ones betrayals but I miss the lovely one, the other one who is the love of my life.
- Be thankful for those who love you!
- Be thankful for their loyalty!
- Be thankful for the joys!
Make the most of the moment it’s our choice…
Happy Easter all,