Pornography should be assumed as a ‘possible’ area of conflict in the history of men and women. It may only have been an unintentional glimpse as a vulnerable child or young adult but shame locks it away by silence.
This is a unseen war against one of the most beautiful areas of life. It is growing underneath the surface of successful and respectable people, within their intimate relationships.
Pornography is normal in the lifestyles of our children and young people. It is a common understanding that most children will have viewed pornography by a very young age. (See previous blog on dangers of the Internet)
In ten, fifteen years or more, today’s young people will be our fathers and mothers. They will be our politicians and spiritual leaders, educational, welfare and health professionals who were never able to master their demons.
The Internet is internationally valued and helpful in our developed world for educational, professional and social enterprise. If unwisely left to the discretion of children without strong boundaries of its use and an understanding of the dangers, it will become a most devaluing and destructive tool.
This is proved through the rise of cyber bullying, and particularly young teens posting inappropriate pictures of themselves online either at the request of another, or to simply win the affections of others.
Such photos are then used as blackmail for sexual favours with the threat of their photograph being spread among others if they refuse.
Already these situations are resulting in mental illness and in some cases, suicide. It will continue to wreak havoc on society in its most intimate form.
It will attack its victims in the very places of safety and security. In the bedroom, the classroom among family and friends.
Silently and slowly releasing it’s poison from the end of fingertips, with direct access to the mind and emotions. Vanquishing all pre warnings of danger, by the young adults who are out to prove the world they know better than their overbearing parents and out dated educators.
I continued to keep Reverend Grey’s secrets and bury the truth. I became blinded by his lies. I was still very much in love with him, giving myself to marriage, family and our vocation. I was careful to keep our lovely children in blissful ignorance of the truth behind the scenes of their parents’ private life that we amazingly survived for many years.
It had been a long time since any evidence of the Grey One, he was virtually forgotten – but he wasn’t gone!
Live your life for what tomorrow offers not for what yesterday took from you.
During this period of my life I started to feel valued for more than being a wife and mother. I felt worth for being me. I grew confident to believe in myself.
Self-belief is a fragile virtue that is so easily stolen from us, usually in our childhood or youth. We can be so troubled regarding our individuality when we are young that we conform to what’s expected from us. We fear standing out from the crowd, so we become like everyone else. It can take decades to build up confidence and regain our core worth and identity. Self belief is a regular battle in my head.
Whenever the Grey One’s arousals resurfaced, to crave his longed for gratification and compulsion, the Reverend was powerless against him. The Grey One’s needs had to be satisfied.
Following a period of abstinence from the addictions, the Grey One always returned stronger and more reckless than he had ever been previously!
As expected it wasn’t long before I recognised the he was back with force! With all of the signs of emails, text messages, working long hours, late nights, on line connections, pornographic pictures etc.
The Reverend didn’t always need a prompt or a thought from the ignoble Grey One to open the door of choice to him. Pop ups would impose themselves without invitation or warning, appearing before his eyes, under his nose as he spent hours looking into a screen.
His computer screen was often positioned where no one could see it. We still used the same computer, the Reverend would eventually forget to close down windows after he used it and I would see everything. I would always check his Internet activity.
I noticed the same person kept appearing in a text message on his phone. I didn’t know her, she was around for quite a while…