A note to self… Life is far too precious to worry about matching socks!
The therapeutic and cathartic process of unlocking the trap door of memories, is a very necessary purging for the purpose of recovery from many harrowing situations. The negative impressions that have left deep imprints on my mind have had squatters’ rights for too long. It’s time for a mindset makeover and a detox in my soul. I need to see and feel the insanity of it all, to re-establish my sanity. I need to see and feel the torment and anguish, to be capable of expressing, not suppressing, the assault and violations committed against our vows. His two identities were never supposed to collide. The one I call…
He was my husband, he was the wise one who I married. He was lovely and loveable; he was very easy to love. For now, he is lost. The other I call…
The ‘Grey One’.
The other woman has him. Grey is all he is for now. He lives every day on the dark side of a lifestyle choice; he is a fool, and he would admit that of himself. At the moment my husband is trapped almost totally in the Grey One‘s identity. I miss him desperately. How could the Reverend be the foolhardy Grey One? It was quite simple, because the Grey One didn’t exist. He was a ghost identity, like an imaginary friend.
The name ‘Reverend Grey’ sums up the incomparable uniqueness of the two identities, the Reverend who was wise, the Grey One, a fool.
The Reverend was also, Mr I don’t know, Mr Maybe, Maybe not, Mr I’m not sure, Mr Possibly, Possibly not, Mr I think so, I don’t think so. I could go on. His indifference to what should have been very clear and decisive drove me nuts at times. He survived in an extremely wide grey area. This was the space where allowances were made.
He would always make adjustment, never judgement.
The Reverend was very aware of the Grey One’s wrongs. His grey area played to his vices. He could not afford to live his private life by the strict narrow boundaries of right and wrong, yes and no.
It is crucial to understand that the Reverend was indeed the real deal who eventually confessed to being two people. It was the Grey One who was the counterfeit identity, the phantom personality that the Reverend concealed, but hopelessly consented to. It is also essential for me to say, without excuse, that it was the Reverend who lied and deceived to keep the Grey One satisfied, while hidden in a cellar, dark and unseen.
I have numerous reasons to praise my husband, the Reverend. They are the very many reasons I will always love and forgive him.
The Grey One is everything contradictory. Altogether incompatible with the man I have known for a life time and love with all my heart. Yet the two polarised identities are in one person, distinguished by opposing extremes in values and morals.
The unveiling of the Grey One became more frequent. His dark purposes and threats were even more menacing, foreshadowing tragic and dishonourable evidence to come.
If I had disclosed the Reverend’s secrets to anyone I would have brought devastation to our house – our marriage, our family, our careers. It would be as if I had activated a device that would begin the demolition process on our high-rise home. I couldn’t be, and wasn’t going to be, the person who did this. In faith I handed the responsibility of exposure to the will of a higher authority.
Two years ago someone, anonymously, uncovered the Reverend’s secret scandals. This provoked the necessary outcome and painfully razed our house to the ground.
The Reverend was dismissed from his loved career. His credentials were withdrawn. He came face to face with the Grey One. The duel between them began that day. The Reverend was weak. He lost his authority, then relinquished his rule to the Grey One.
Pornography is an ogre, a personified man-eater. She ignores all boundaries. She is cunningly unseen and silent, and racks up more scores in her favour when ignored. If you are in a similar situation, begin now to rewrite the script for your future. Don’t ignore the inevitable as I did. Give your relationship, family and possibly your career, the strongest chance to survive.
Pornography needs to be forced out from behind the password on an Internet devise and brought into the daylight. I cannot disclose some of the most terrible details of our troubled marriage on this blog. It would be unwise. I hope to release a book one day that completely exposes the nausiating and sinister molestation of pornography. To bring it out from hiding, to face its own shame and disgrace. The symptoms did not just affect the Reverend. They plagued and tormented our love and union. It disabled us chronically. We were both fighting it in our own way, but were unable to help each other.
Then in an unsuspecting moment one Friday afternoon I discovered chilling and shocking evidence that was again going to painfully and significantly change the direction of our lives. I didn’t jump. I was pushed.
The most soul-debilitating fact about our situation was facing the reality that staying together would only ever exacerbate my husband’s addiction. The Grey One was never going to leave as long as he was enshrouded by the ‘good life’ of the Reverend. With the Reverend gone and the children and me out of his life, the Grey One was left completely exposed. Nowhere to lurk to weave his dark magic. Where will the thrill exist now that grey is a normal day? Will the night get even darker?
The affair between the Grey One and her is all about pornography and a shared addiction to the unrealistic fantasies it creates. Everyone knows addictions don’t get told “That’s enough, no more”. Rather the craving is in charge from the moment it is has moved in, uninvited, and taken up residence in the mind. It won’t leave without a fight. In its greed to continue enticing the addict back into its control, a more depraved fantasy must be created.
The beginning of this story is where it all began. When first his heart began to beat…
Next weeks Blog: The Story Was Born ~ The Leading Man
One child won’t change the world, but for that one child, the world changed, then changed again.
I would value all comments, contributions and feed back, especially from anyone with a similar history, or who is living with painful secrets such as mine.